TODAY IN ALREADY FAILURE:


I never thought I would be that person that talked to her cat. I mean, I have a boyfriend and friends and a semi-active career. And yet I find myself:

"Charlie. I have in this bag three kinds of cat food which I have purchased with my own money because you haven't eaten in two days. I know you are doing this just to get to me. So here....I will lay out these three boxes of dried cat food and you will pick the one you want....no Charlie...that's the empty bag from the store. That is not one of the choices....Ohh...ok, the purina indoor cat food? The most pedestrian choice, but then you seem to adore wasting all the expensive stuff I buy you, so it makes sense. Here you are, some in a little bowl. No? Two sniffs and then you walk away huh? OK. Here is some meat juice from a can of wet food that I know you won't eat. Good lick away, lick all that juice up...now EAT THAT FOOD. OH FINE. WALK AWAY CHARLIE. JUST WALK AWAY FROM YOUR MOTHER WHO LOVES YOU. GOD I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS UNLESS YOU EAT SOME FOOD!!!"

Then I tore up the couch in rage.

Also, I promised myself I would go to the Brooklyn Museum today and if it was closed, I would have to do yoga twice. It's closed.

Fuck.

TODAY IN SONGS ABOUT DICTATORS:
(that I wrote. Someone should write the music for me)

EVIL DICTATORS ARE UGLY
by Phaea Crede

They’re homely and dowdy
And frightful and grave
Appearing disfigured
And outright depraved
Some toady
Some loathsome
Some grisly
Some cursed
Of all the world’s uglies
Dictators are the worst

Benito Mussolini
Was fat and greasy
With a jaw line to be feared
Fidel Castro
Was an ugly old soul
Don’t look under his beard

Marshall Joseph Tito
Our nauseas’ complete-o
Look at your beady little eyes
And Ho Chi Mihn
You’re tight stretched skin
Makes all the children cry.

Pinchot
Fug? You bet!
The head of the ugly class
Slobodan
Not a sexy man
But cute for a monkey’s ass

Ferdinand Marcos
He’s just plain gross
And looks like a pedophile.
And Stalin’s sneer
Could ruin your year
But it’s much worse when he smiles.

Ayatollah
Like a Troll-a
Just like Mao Zadung
Saddam Hussein
We’d call him plain
By more accurate is hung.

The son of Shrek and Satan?
Oh no it’s Idi Amin
Misshapen Lunatic
Pol Pot Pol Pot
Looks like you got
Slapped by the ugly dick

Franco’s Ranko
Oaddafi’s Crappy
And Sabato would appall
But it’s no surprise
You can’t disguise….
That Hitler was the ugliest of all.
Yes….Hitler was the ugliest of aaaaaaaaaaaaaallll!

TODAY IN BROOKLYN:
I headed to my corner bodega this evening to grab a Sierra Nevada for me and my boyfriend. I selected 24 ouncers and took them up to the counter to the 35 year old clerk of South American decent, who is super saucy and nice. Here is what happened:

ME: How much are these?
HE: $3.50 each.
(He takes my $10, yawning)
HE: Sorry, I'm beat.
ME: Oh my god it's so hot in here, I don't know how you do it!
HE: Oh my god, I know.

* Please note: He talks with a puerto ricanesque accent, I with a massachusetts valley girl...but we sort of phrase things the same.

HE: You got ID, right?
ME: You bet.
(I flip my wallet open)
HE: How old are you?
ME: Too old. 27.
HE: Oh my god, that's not too old, you're a baby!

*At this point we are both having a really fun time in the conversation. We are pleased to be talking to each other, for whatever reason. He turns to the thin, well dressed, and young blond white girl to my left, trying to include her in the fun.

HE: When were you born? 1989?
SHE: (terrified) Do you take credit cards?

Then he learned a very important lesson. You can joke around with the neighborhood girl with a greasy head band and no bra on, but the terrified upper-west side girl who just came down to Brooklyn to visit her friend and is hopelessly confused won't play along. Her loss.

TODAY IN FOREBODING:
I am headed up to my old college next week to teach some bright young children how to improvise and act for film, IE things that I am mediocre at best at. Never the less I am really looking forward to spreading some words of wisdom and also sleeping in a shitty dorm for a few nights. Until I got the list of " items that you might want to bring to make your stay more comfortable."

Bedding and Towels
Additional Blanket
Additional Pillow and pillow case
Additional Towel
Wash cloth
Pool towel
* OK, so this means that we get one sheet and a shitty pillow, and one towel. That's fine, I mean, it's not a hotel or anything! Just a school we paid $160,000 to go to. Did I ever tell you about the time I slept through my 9am Architecture Lecture? I basically wasted $12,000. The only morning I stayed awake was 9-11 because there was a giant screen in the lecture hall.

Personal Toiletries
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Soap and shampoo
Deodorant
Cosmetics * This is the one that bothers me the most. Does this mean A) they WANT us to wear make up so we don't scare away the children by looking scrubby and artistic? or B) that some people might have assumed that the school would provide make up for us? I'm still going with my original plan and hitting the theatre make up to come to class dressed daily as Vampira, Frankensteins Monster, Bette Davis, Dr. Manhattan, or a girl that just got beat up.
Insect repellent
Sunscreen
* In all, I am pretty insulted by this list. Why do they think I don't know to bring deodorant? Also, why is conditioner not listed?? Does this mean it WILL be provided? I have more questions now then before! That is until we got to :

Clothing
Sleeping attire, robe and slippers * Sleeping attire....fine. Robe and slippers? That just says to me "don't let your skin touch the floor or the walls."
Shorts, light shirts, tee shirts... "you morons"
Lightweight long pants... "you fucking morons"
Lightweight jacket, sweater or sweatshirt... "in case it gets chilly, you stupid idiots"
Swimsuit (if using pool)... "I guess you'll need an explanation for the swim suits, you goons!"
Sneakers or other comfortable shoes..."Here have some options you FRICKEN RETARDS!"
Socks..."fuck you!"
Undergarments..."You would be too stupid to bring panties you moron SLC graduates!"

Miscellaneous
Lap top with cords (wireless service in select areas only—not dorms)
Small Flashlight * This one disturbs me. Does lights out mean every light? Even the stars??
Laundry bag, detergent, quarters for washer and dryer * That's ambitious.
Coat hangers * Just confusing. Let me check outside...yah...it's summer still.
Cell phone and charger ..."you fucking idiots!!"
Kitchen utensils: Coffee cups, glasses, teapot, etc. * why???? what?
Fan * Really really bad sign. Also, really really fucked up. "You can stay here, but don't expect to be cool!!!!!!!"


All in all, I don't really know what to expect, except a bad nights sleep. But hey, that complimentary conditioner will cheer me up!

TODAY IN MORE OF THE SAME:




I know I'm in bad shape with the whole not working thing when I start envying the workers at Target. I noticed that the garden section had moved and thought "wow, that would be so much fun! Moving purchasable items around by section! Something new every day!"

Here is how I spent my day:

10am- wake up as cat yelled at me.
10:05am- eat cereal watched 5 episodes of "Rhoda" recently added onto hulu.com. Most exciting moment? When Joe says "They are tearing Coney Island down!" "Wow,", I think "The '70's and today in NYC are so similar!"
1pm- Drag myself to get a large ice coffee. I realize it's a nice day out (cloudy and breezy!) so I decide to walk around the park.
1:10pm- 2pm- I walk around the park. I discover there is a "tree walk" with plaques. It's great, especially when the plaque on the White Oak is worn away, but even better when there is a plaque for the Japanese Zelkova but no tree. If it had been there it would have been "vase shaped". Trees are awesome. I linger on the idea of becoming a Park Ranger, but I am discouraged with the plainness of the uniform.
2pm- Watch "Rhoda" on hulu.com. I wanted "My Life on the D list", but I can't find whole episodes online.
4:00- Inexplicably make mac and cheese with arugala.
4:30- Trip to Target (cat food for the little bastard cat who won't eat anything. also, he and I now lie on the couch for the same amount of time all day...I think he might be depressed...)
5pm- Eat rest of the mac and cheese. That's right. I ate a whole box. When Justin came home I offered some to him and then ate it anyway. He ate a bowl of cereal later.
6pm- 7:30pm- "Rhoda"
8pm- 10pm- Rehearse Dorks on the Loose. I am terrified that we have two weeks. Many rewrites needed. Plus our director wants us to have costumes!! What?!
11pm- Arrive home. Conive Justin into doing my dishes. Is that how I use that word?
12am- Anticipated sleepy time.

I know some day I will look back on this time and reflect fondly on the freedom I enjoyed. Or at least those memories of Valerie Harper. Those last forever.