Friday, April 29, 2011


I, like most humans, am constantly beating myself up for being tongue-tied when I've been wronged only to think of the best comeback later. Like any healthy person it makes me feel weak, stupid, and useless. (is that just me??) 

But yesterday I lived the dream. Something happened and instead of being at a loss for words, a snarky response came from my lips! It was a miracle. Here is how it went down:

Phaea waits with her dog at the crosswalk at 47th and Vernon for the walk signal. The red light comes on and incoming traffic stops, except for one black car which keep rolling gently until it stops in the crosswalk, directly blocking Phaea and Gus. Phaea is forced to walk into the street around the car and throws her arms up in grand a "What the FUCK?" gesture.  As she enters back in the crosswalk the driver, behind her now, rolls down his window and says:
"Excuse me..."
The fucker had pulled up in front of me to ask me directions. I hate that.  Not only is it rude, I find it vaguely threatening. Block ME in will you? Make ME walk in the street with my dog? Here is what my mouth spat out, over my shoulder as I walked away:
"I am not giving you directions NOW, man."
Bam! Take that! The driver mocked me by faking laughter and they drove on.

Strangely, or not strangely to healthy people, I did not feel good afterwards. I felt like a jerk and I felt like I'd opened a door for that guy to be pissed at me. Pissed guys are not something I like to create. I came out of the experiencing realizing that controlled silence really is the best way out of any situation that rubs me the wrong way.

I also came out of it thinking I should always have my cell phone on me to call the police, just in case I can't keep my mouth shut.

Still, a good nights work!

1 comment:

Kablack said...

My favorite comeback of all time (of mine) has an elaborate set-up: At one point I decided to be funny whenever I answered the phone. One day, the phone rang. I picked up: "Kablack Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em."

The voice on the other end of the line came back, "I think I have the wrong number."

"I think you do too." And I hung up before they could respond.

That still gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling, mostly because the second part of it was completely spontaneous. Deeply, deeply satisfying.