TODAY IN DOCTOR'S VISITS:

I avoided seeing my Dr. for a long time after suffering through stabbing stomach pains for three weeks, but finally sucked it up and made an appointment when I realized that the pain was beginning to interfere with my drinking.

I completely distrust my local doctors office because at separate occasions they:

1) refused to let me see the doctor because my insurance card did not list him as my PCP despite the fact that they took my insurance and I was crying with a 102˚ fever.
2) when I expressed concern about doing a self breast check the doctor backed out of the room terrified, and literally spun his head left and right searching for something to save him.
3) a doctor was once prescribed a $50 ointment for a "wound" on my foot which turned out to be a "wart", despite my many suggestions that it looked like a wart and not a wound.

And on into the night.

BUT the office is two blocks from my house and so I continue to go there.

So there I sat, clutching my tummy in pain. Enter Dr. W.

Dr. W: (polish accent) Hello nice to meet you. (glances at his folder) We have meet before.
Phaea: Yes. I've been having this stabbing pain in my....
(Dr. W's cell phone rings.)
Dr. W: Excuse me. (Answers his cellphone)C-hello? (Begins to scream in Polish. Minutes pass. Phaea becomes bored and begins wandering around the room checking out pamphlets on acid reflux, flipping through some files, and finally leaning over Dr. W to get her cell phone out of her purse to check for text messages.)
Dr. W: (ends phone call) Sorry.
Phaea: S'ok. So I have been having pain right here on my left side.
Dr. W: Well it is good that this pain in on your left because you have only guts there.
Phaea: (what?) Oh, great. So its like, just stabbing pain here? And it set off by beer, and sugar, and a tuna fish sandwich?
Dr. W: It sound like gas.
Phaea: Oh, great. Thats not bad.
Dr. W: (pokes my stomach) Here?
Phaea: Yes...
Dr. W: Is gas. Maybe virus or bacteria.(I think: am I suppose to pick which one I want?) I give you this prescription for..(Dr. W's cell phone rings) Excuse me. (He answers) C-hello? (Pause) No, there is not enough light on that side. No. I want to put something else over there. Yes. You see, I want to make a wall from the magnolias. (begins to get upset) well, you must find another place to put that, because they need light and the other side does not get enough light for them. I want you to put on the other side. That is what I want. I cannot help you I am working. Yes. No. No you put on the OTHER side where there is less light. We can put the pots on the non-light side. H'ok. You must help Mother. You must. I am working. OK. Call anytime. (Hangs up) Excuse me.
Phaea: Oh thats ok.
Dr. W: (Finishes writing prescription. I contemplate saying something about how much I am looking down on him or how I will never come back here, but am too bored to think of a good enough way to say it. )
Phaea: thanks Doctor. (Phaea leaves.)

Thanks Medical Science!!!!!