Sunday, April 24, 2011


When Lady Gaga first started turning heads for never wearing pants, I was shocked. Not shocked at her indecency, shocked because the world was finally getting over pants. I am so rarely wearing pants around my house that it could be said we were living apart. With in minute of walking in my door I will unbutton and drop my jeans like a filleted heap on the floor. The piles sit around my apartment like so much roadkill until I scoop them up and resentfully throw them back in a drawer. When ever the door bell rings, the first thing I do, like a pavlovian dog, is scoop up some kind of butt covering, be it towel, sheet, or loyal pet, before I even see who it is. And if you asked me if I wore pants when I was home I would  "No, what do I look like -- a snob?" 

If you imagining that this is sexy, it's not. Unless you find a sweaty woman dropping salsa on her underwear while she tries to feed herself tortilla chips while watching Law & Order sexy. Even my husband will stand in the door way, take one long look and then back away. And I accept it, because I love my freedom to sit around pants-less as much as I hate wearing pants. 

You would think that a person like me wouldn't own any pants. Strangely, I do. Here is a list of them:

6 pairs, sweat pants. These range from the fabulous (blue terry cloth), to feminine (orange with a flower), playful (pajama bottoms with dogs) to sad (yellow).

5 pairs, dark blue jeans, in various degrees of fanciness: Dress Up (tight dark blue, one stain), Business Casual (Straight leg, one stain), Business Casual 2 (older pair of straight leg, two stains), Bellbottoms to cover up my shape-ups (wrong size), Black (black).

1 pair of khakis I am confused about owning.

1 pair of purple "trousers" from Calvin Klein that I am also confused about owning.

And that's all. 

Of all these pants I only wear the 2 business casual jeans (read: just jeans) and the sweat pants consistently. I hate the rest of them, but I know better then to throw out all of my pants. I know THAT much. 

I just pray for a society in the future where I can walk out in the open with out my pants and you will all accept me, and dare I say, love me. 

-- but no, it will still never be sexy. 


natalie said...

Where do leggings fit into this? East Lansing is a pantless society (for women) if leggings don't count as pants. What do you think?

Phaea C. said...

Leggings are totally not pants. I am pro leggings.

Jane Doo said...

OMG I also hate pants! First thing to go when I walk in the door. I wait all year for summer so I can wear skirts (which I can't in winter because I have no patience for pantyhose and tights). But I do support pants in public because I don't want other people's ass germs on me.

Phaea C. said...

I hate tights as much as I hate pants!! And Ass Germs.