TODAY IN OH MY FUCKING GOD.

As much as I hated high school at Watertown High, It has gleamed a soft spot in my heart of late as my 10 year approaches. I feel kinder, more forgiving, less angry. All great feelings! I have even become facebook friends with some kids that I never was friends with but are truly excited to see in a few months.

And then I get a friend request from good old Watertown High Class of '99 it's self. Here is the picture:



AND ALL THE HATE COMES STREAMING BACK!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? The "Red Raider" of Watertown High?! You assholes! This was a school where the field hockey team was the winningest and yet they had to be confined to be called the "Lady Raiders" and that mother fucker was our HORRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAMS MASCOT! A RED INDIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus christ I hate that school.

TODAY IN SECRET TALENTS:

Yesterday Delusions of Spandex had the pleasure of Ari Scott, photography genius, taking some pictures of them. In the course of the sess. I discovered that I really love, and am surprisingly good at, leaping into the air and having my picture taken. It was freakish. And awesome. If only ANTM would have competition for lifestyle modeling, I would be the winner.

Photos by Ari Scott:

TODAY IN OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!


This can't be true. I am POSITIVE that some doctor tricked him or that it's a false positive or something in the realm of poppy seeds making it look like you are on smack. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!

UPDATE: Here is a quote from Manny I pinched from TMZ:

"Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me.

Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy, that mistake is now my responsibility. I've been advised not to say anything more for now.

I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past 5 seasons.

I want to apologize to Mr. McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mr. Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization, and to the Dodger fans. L.A. is a special place to me and I know everybody is disappointed. So am I. I'm sorry about this whole situation."

I believe him. Why does MLB make it so fucking hard to enjoy baseball??

TODAY IN MY DREAMS:

Dreaming has always been all or nothing for me. Either I pass out and suddenly it's morning, or I have 400 year long specific dreams that seem to be trying to tell me something. Or at least entertain me. Here are the last three I had- anyone got any ideas?

1) I am stuck on a snowy mountain top, trapped, with a bunch of mountain climbers after an avalanche put us in peril. I am new to the scene however, because I don't like climbing mountains, so I guess I just showed up one day like "hey guys- stuck on a mountain? Cool." We knew help was on the way but we didn't know how long we'd been up there so I pulled out my lap top and looked at the clock date. The dates spun rapidly to my horror as I finally realized 3 years had gone by and it was 2012.
MEANING: I hate winter?

2) I am in jail about to be executed for...wait for it...performing long form improv comedy. (I didn't get the deets) I talked to the two guards and convinced them that killing me over such a ridiculous crime was not all right , and got their assurance that they would help me escape. A judge shows up and tells me I am going to be executed and asks me if I want to call Justin. I struggle with the idea of calling him and wasting escape time or not calling him and running the risk of actually being executed with out telling him where I was. Apparently improv crime prosecution works fast. So I realize that the guards are going to back out so I wait for them to open the door to my cell (which is by the way, a Liberal Arts College classroom with a door out on a quad) and then I beat them over the head with an empty plastic bottle and into submission. I can't remember what happened next, but I think they let me go legally, despite the horrific violence. And I am pretty sure I was on Sarah Lawrence Campus for the whole thing. Or a combo of SLC and Walnut Hill, this acting school I got into when I was 16 but couldn't afford to attend.MEANING: Plastic bottles are bad for the environment?

3) Zombie/Vampires were loose and we were all in hiding against them. We quickly realized that the only way to kill them was to slit their throats, which is kind of a close contact sport. I found myself in a huge crowd of them and started slitting here and there. I realized that the best thing for me to do was to let them bite me, because you have a little bit of time before you turn into one, and since I was already bitten I could use that time for more throat slashing. So I let one bite me and then I quickly cut all there throats and then in a genius move, slit MY OWN THORAT which let the zombie/Vampire blood out but I guess it did it in eye sight of an EMT because they just bandaged my throat up and I was all good.
MEANING: Don't watch Law and Order before bed?

This is what I really think.
1) I am worried that time is flying and I am getting nothing done.
2) I am afraid my ambition to be a comedian is a waste of time.
3) Fighting against sharing my work with other people who don't immediately love it.

Boooring. I have too much time alone with my brain.

My new dream is to own a bowie knife like that one above. Look at that magic blade!

TODAY IN MY CAT:


This was the first thing I saw this morning when I opened my eyes:


Obviously I have a great day in front of me.