Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I am not a movie critic. I am however, the worst person to see a movie with because I hate everything. And I will talk for hours about why I hated everything with phrases I picked up from my one year in film school that I don't fully understand (ie Character arc, whip pan.)

I do how ever, love horrible movies. Movies that are so bad they hurt. I guess I only accept extremes. The very best and the very worst. Everything else can go die.

My previous favorite horrible movie was "Next" which stars Nicholas Cage's melting swollen face, some French terrorists, Jessica Alba HAVING SEX WITH NICHOLAS CAGE'S MELTING SWOLLEN FACE/BODY, and seeing a into the future. (I saw it on a bus).

But on my last day in LA visiting the gorgeous Justin Shatraw (www.trawtopia.com), my plane became delayed and I spent the afternoon instead watching the greatest movie I have ever seen: "Crank". Here is the plot: Jason Statham is a hit man who is poisoned and has to keep his adrenaline up or he dies.

I want you to sit back and look at that sentence for a minute. Really mull it over in your mind. Then consider this:

- Jason Statham is terrifying.
- JS has sex with Amy Smart on a mail box in Chinatown after he tries to force himself on her, but its ok because she eventually likes it.
- JS rides a car up an escalator.
- JS has a gay best friend.
- JS's doctor is Dwight Yokum
- JS falls from a helicopter for long enough of a time to make a long phone call
- Google maps are HEAVILY featured through out. HEAVILY. And on screen copy written.

This list does not begin to describe the love I have for this movie. It does not go into the breathing buildings, the computer graphics, and the phrases that are randomly lower-thirder, such as "this is some plant shit".

Netflix this movie. And then call me.


shatraw said...

the best thing about Crank? with almost 35,000 votes, it scores a 7.1 on imdb. to put that into perspective, sidney lumet's super awesome "before the devil knows you're dead" (which came out recently) scored a 7.7 with 6,500 votes. no country for old men is registering an 8.6, but i digress.

crank sucks. but wait! there's a sequel in development! here's the thrust:

"Chelios faces a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working."


Kablack said...

JASON Statham. Cuz I'm a snob.