Saturday, September 17, 2011


      I've never been what you would call a classic "good friend." Oh, I care in my way. I'll gchat you, or send you a picture of my cat making a dumb face, but I'm terrible at making plans. And if I manage to make plans with you I am 80% likely to get sick and cancel. I blame anxiety/my burgeoning agoraphobia.

But despite my less then-user-friendliness, I happen to have some amazing friends. Friends I can play Nintendo with or go to IKEA with. Friends who don't mind that I only want to talk about my cat's dumb faces. And now as I get older I also get my friend's spouses. Or more accurately they get me with my inability to feed myself, grumpy sleeping requirements, and insane German need for schedules. Also, they get the occasional manic screaming. But I assumed that they loved me as much as their spouses did.

And then I found out that all my friend’s spouses think I’m a moron.

I never would have known if a lot of them hadn’t adopted puppies around the same time. Every time I showed up to meet the puppy the same scene played out.

Step One: The spouse takes me aside and sits me down. Spouse says: “Phaea. Don’t scream at the puppy. That will scare it. Don’t poke the puppy hard. And guess what? The puppy is very small. If you hug it too hard, you might hurt the puppy.”

Step Two: I am offended. I begin to play dumb. “What am this?” I ask.

SPOUSE: That’s the leash.

ME: So that is what ams ties the puppy to your fist? Oh.”

Step Three: I am introduced to the puppy.

ME: What am those?

SPOUSE: Those are the puppies teeth.

ME: If that puppies does bites me with teeths, is ok I bite back? Oh. Otherwise how else does he learns? What does puppy eat? Does puppy eat pizza? Oh. No pizza for puppy? Now I sad. I sad there no pizza party for puppy. I also sad, because you are married to my friend I always have to spend time with you if I want to see her. But ha the jokes on you because you have to spend time with me, and I am very, very stupid. Now hand me your puppy so I can pretend to do the Lion King and accidently hit it into the ceiling fan. Ha. Did not cover that in your speech. You should have.

Step Four: I gently Lion King the puppy into a slow moving ceiling fan.  That did actually happen with one of the puppies. It was totally fine.

But it did prove the spouses' point. 

Please note: I know the formatting of this post is messed up. I can't change it. Don't judge me you bitch.


Anonymous said...

Thanks you for protecting the innocent by not naming names.

Anonymous said...

Anyone who uses "Lion King" as a verb can't be all bad.