TODAY IN A LETTER I WROTE TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY. MERRY CHRISTMAS!:
My bill says I owe $514 for Jan 1. My health insurance is $257 a month. Please explain to me why I owe $514? I called last week and asked what I owed because my bill showed $0 and I was concerned because I felt that this was wrong. I was planning to pay $257 on the 19th of this month. Now I see that somehow I owe $514. Rest assured, I will pay what is owed, but there is no way in hell I am going to pay an extra month before Jan 1 if the woman I talked to, who got very snippy with me when I repeated that I didn't understand why my bill was at 0 despite me not getting snippy with her for being a red-neck ass-hole dip-shit moron with terrible grammar, was wrong.
By the way, thanks so much for once again changing providers so that my monthly payment now covers much less then it did in the past year, just like it covers less then the year before that! Only generic drugs? Sweet! That'll really keep me on my toes! Good thing I'm allergic to penicillin- bet that's not covered at all!
Hey. Some people don't have health insurance at all. I'm one of the lucky ones. And it's so funny, ha ha, cause a lot of people knew about a month ago that they weren't going to be able to afford Christmas, but me...gosh, I had a naive belief that I was! Ha ha you know what they say...it's better to think you are going to get Christmas and then have it taken away, then to never think you are going to get Christmas at all!
In closing, I am beginning to not trust you guys at all. I am beginning...I hate to accuse you of this....I am beginning to think you don't have my best interests in mind.
But good news! You will get the payment of $257 on Friday and another payment a month later. I refuse to incur late fees. You can't get blood from a stone, right guys? Not even if you try to beat me to death with it! Ha ha..yah, I knew you were thinking that...but no monthly fees will get paid then, huh guys?
And hey, I am already really looking forward to the deductibles I am going to have to pay for the first two months of this new insurance. I really really love paying pointless money for something that I already have. It's awesome. I would recommend to give me a straight answer about this if you want to keep me as a client.
SS # --- -- ----
(NOTE: most of this is REAL! Guess which parts aren't? You're right! I would never call someone a red neck! I said retard.)