TODAY IN MISUNDERSTANDINGS:














About three years ago I was a cater waiter. I passed hors d'oeuvres and drinks, bussed tables, served plated food, and checked coats for $20 a hour and the opportunity to wear a polyester tuxedo.

Christmas season was the busiest time for us and I found myself on Dec 19th working coat check for the largest party I had ever been a part of. 250 cater waiters and bartenders were in attendance for a group of nearly 1000. The host? MTV. Yes, the MTV.

The gig was hard. The coat checking section was an entire basement room with several cater waiter assembly lines in motion. One of us would take the coat and hand it to the person behind, who would hand the first a ticket and hand the coat back to the third who would hang it on previously selected hanger. To make matters worse, many many people had purses and computer bags, which had to be taped with a matching number and stored about as close to the coat as humanly possible. But we were professionals, and we were making it happen.

The rush of incoming guests began to wane as the party got under way. A few people wandered down to claim their coats early, but for the most part the coat check grew silent.

I kicked around in the back section making fun of expensive coats when I noticed something very bad: a loose pair of keys. At a party of 1000 people a random pair of keys lying on the floor is like dropping your cell phone on subway tracks: really fucking annoying and possibly hopeless unless you get those MTA guys with the long hook grabber thing to help you. Except the MTA hook people = the MTV security guards with walkie talkies who I tossed the keys to and called it a day.

About an hour later my team was on breaks and I stood manning the coat check myself. A drunk middle aged woman approached me. I recognized her as a recent recipient of a coat from my section a few minutes before. A converstation commenced:

Drunk Lady: I can't find my keys.
Me: Oh, you know what? I found them earlier and gave them to a security guard!
Drunk Lady: Oh, I could kiss you!
Me: Oh, don't worry about it.
Drunk Lady: My kids are home alone, I could kiss you!
Me: You are too nice.
Drunk Lady: I'm serious! I could come over there and kiss you!
Me: You really really are too kind.
Drunk Lady: I could really kiss you.
Me: Thank you.

At this point a few more guests had arrived, as well as one of my co-coat checkers, and I went in the back to get coats. When I returned the drunk woman was SCREAMING at my co-worker. Tears of fury were running down her face as she berated my friend for losing her keys and and not returning them to her.

At this moment I realized that I had completely misunderstood the previous conversation. Here is what had really gone on:

Drunk Lady: I can't find my keys.
Me: Oh, you know what? I found them earlier and gave them to a security guard!
Drunk Lady: Oh, I could KILL you!
Me: Oh, don't worry about it.
Drunk Lady: My kids are home alone, I could KILL you!
Me: You are too nice.
Drunk Lady: I'm serious! I could come over there and KILL you!
Me: You really really are too kind.
Drunk Lady: I could really KILL you.
Me: Thank you.

Lesson learned: when people act insane at you, pretend they are saying the opposite. What a fantastic study in the surreal and a useful tool against jerks. Try it today!

(photo by michael mcconnell)