TODAY IN MO&%$R FU&^(@G COCKROACHES:
I've been having a hard time convincing my gentlemen friend that Astoria is ok. Yah, its far. Yah, it's pretty treeless. Yah its surprisingly expensive. But, its like a little slice of Europe! Or at least Montreal. And my apartment is so cool! Alas, I had a bit of a loss of faith last night at I visited the bathroom:
3am: switch light on. Look in sink. roach the size of something three inches long ( a crayon that works out?) is quietly circling the drain. Antennae aquiver. I shudder. Pee. Go back to bed.
4am: go back to bathroom. switch on light. robo-roach has moved up to the sink counter. It seems to be contemplating the window over the bathtub as I have so many times. "can people see my boobs when I shower?" the roach seems to be thinking. I sit and pee. the roach begins to sense I might want to hang out with it. It scrambles along the edge of the sink towards me. I slam my hair brush on the porcelain thinking the vibrations will terrify it. It stops, its feelings hurt. I go back to bed.
4:30am: wondering what the hell is up with my bladder, i go back to the bathroom. switch on the light. No roach in sight. I sit and pee. Look up at the wall across from me. The roach, at face level, is waiting in a ninja type wall grasp and FLINGS itself thorough the air onto my face!! We wrestle back and forth like two kids competing for the best fire drill stance as I....ah, just kidding, it had just disappeared.
But it's the size of a cat...so where the fuck did it go? All I could think of was that scene in Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness when Bruce Campbell's mini-clones force there way into his mouth and he has to pour scalding hot water into his stomach! I don't know why. But those mo#$*& fu#$* roaches bring it out of me.