TODAY IN  "ODE TO WALKTHROUGH WRITERS"

You video game pros

You core players

You heroes of old 

You obsessive possibly compulsive

You 12 to 24 hours a dayers

You easter egg finders and bonus room un-lockers

You PC Minecraftians

You posters of 100% completion files free for the download 

If you were not writing video game walkthroughs would you be a serial killer, due to your obsessive and meticulous nature? 

Another reason to praise your good work

What else can you help me with? Building a solid white deck in Magic the Gathering? I bet you can.

You men and women with time on your hands

Or do you make the time? Work 8 hours and then fall into the arms of your Xbox et al and give Skyrim the next 16 hours of your 24? Or more?

You did that for me?

You tips and trick suggesters

You strategists

You writers of melodious tomes on Water Temples, Fire Temples, and Slimes. 

Can we mortals ever repay you for what you hath given us? 

Do you even get paid? 

I bet you've started a few message board fights in your day

Without you I would be lost

Literally lost

I couldn't move most of the time

I know I am just missing something

I turn to you 

And you take my hand and say "Shhh. I've done the work for both of us. Now just send your Hook Beetle down that tunnel and everything will be all right."

I adore you

Never stop

Never change

My relationship with you is deeper then some of the people I interact with on a daily basis

And I will not have it any other way

(Authors Note: The last time I wrote I poem I was in college, drunk, and sitting under my desk talking into a hand held tape recorder. Then I typed it up and submitted it to The New Yorker. That's just a fun memory I thought I'd share with you guys.)

TODAY IN CURSES!

I have still not beaten any of the games I set out to beat last week to make way for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D. I did log about 15 hours in Pokémon White Version which is freaking great. But then my friend Josh dropped off his PS3 for the summer and I got some loaner games from friends. Plus, I've been a little button pushy with the new Nintendo eShop So now my games list looks like this:

- Donkey Kong Country Returns (2 boards away)

- Kirby's Epic Yarn (1 boss fight away)
- Professor Layton and the Curious Village (50% done)

- Pokémon White Version (31 hours, 78 Pokémon, 6 gym badges)

- Chrono Trigger (10- 20 hours away)

- Super Mario Land (1 boss fight away)

- The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX (first dungeon)

- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (not started yet)

- Katamari Forever (30% done)

- Red Dead Redemption (not started yet)

It's like a dream come true and yet so totally overwhelming I don't know where to begin. Obviously I need to knock out DKCR and KEY by just sitting down and doing it. The rest? Well, it's gonna be a great summer. 

TODAY IN BEATING VIDEO GAMES

Everyone attacks a new video game in different ways. Some play it straight for a week until they beat it, some people are happy just to beat the final boss, some people must complete 100 %, and some people (me) do it like this:  

Step One:  I get the game. Der.

Step Two: I dive right in and play it pretty consistently for a week or so. I talk about nothing else. But I do not sacrifice sleep or meals or walking the dog. I am, after all, a gentlelady.

Step Three: As time passes I'll pick it up every once in a while for an hour or two.

Step Four: Eventually, about 6 months- 1 year later, I'll pick it back up, power through, and beat it, usually on a whim while perusing my game shelf.

Step Five: I finally start going for a 100% completion with collectables and what not.

This patented method is more focused on the experience of playing then beating the game, CLEARLY, and has the added bonus of keeping a game in my life for 1 year +.

And while it is a system that works best for me, it occasionally bites me in the ass butt. Currently I am in Step Three or Four of SIX SEPARATE GAMES:

1) Kirby's Epic Yarn (almost 100 percent, played up to the last boss.)

2) Donkey Kong Country Returns (In the Factory World, unlocked the first 3 temples, stalled after that, just trying to make it to the end).

3) Pokémon White Version (Solidly half way through. Pokédex at around 4o%.)

4) Professor Layton and the Curious Village (6 hours in, the puzzles are harder then the ones  from Diabolical Box, and I find I need to play with a notebook at my side.)

6) Crono Trigger DS (Resenting that I have to go back and open all the locked treasure chests and then go forward and collect the booty. Not sure why I am so hung up on that because it is OPTIONAL.) 

And just to make life even more complicated I started playing GoldenEye 007, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and Super Mario Land. I'm not as committed to these games but I still have them in my heart.

The reason this is all so tense for me right now is that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D in coming out next week and I very much want to buy it and play it and love it and beat it and play the master quest and play boss challenge mode. But I really, really feel like I should beat these games first. Maybe not 100%, but I need to see the final title screen before I jump into the next game. 

Does that mean that I won't buy The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D when it comes out next week? NO. I means that I need to beat 6 games in 7 days. 

I will let you know how it goes. 

TODAY IN INSULTING FACEBOOK ADS

I guess they figured out that I like video games, to bad ends.

TODAY IN PLATFORMERS

Because I have been spoiled on such amazing platformers as Super Mario Galaxy 2 & Donkey Kong Country Returns here are the details that I now expect, nay, DEMAND in any new platformer or side scrolling video game I pick up:

1) Homing Attacks

2) Wall Jumps

3) Ground Pounds

4) Double Jumps

5) False Walls Leading to Hidden Areas

And if any of those are missing, I am disappointed. 

Here are the details I am over forever.

- Unlockable Art

- Swimming Levels Where the Character Runs Out of Air Instead of Just Magically Being Able to Breathe Underwater