The Blog of Phaea Crede

2011-12-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN FINE ART DOGS

My parents are both very into art and when they come to visit they often take me to museums to gaze, discuss, and enjoy. I like art ok but as I don't hold the same level of enthusiasm as my parents I often need to find something to hold my interest. Like, finding art with dogs in them!

This little dog by Joan Miró (Woman and Dog in Front of the Moon, 1893) may look like a cat but he's all ready to shake! Maybe even howl at that moon?

This busy little hound (Disc with running dogs surrounding a mountain goat, Transcaucasia 1st -3rd Century AD) is ready for a run in the park OR up a mountain!

This scrappy mutt (Street Scene in Paris, Félix Vallotton, 1895) has all the detail she needs to prove she's a cuddlier! Je m'appelle le CUTE!

Awww! This doggie (The New Bonnet, Francis William Edmonds, 1858) lives in Bronxville, NY and loves to smell anything he can! And by the tuck of that tail, some one's shoes could use with a changing!

This holy dog appears to be a collie/terrier mix (Christ Carrying the Cross, with the Crucifixion; The Resurrection, with the Pilgrims of Emmaus, Gerard David, 1510) and loves Jesus. Don't worry girl! He'll be back!

My best guess is that this hard working boy (Diana and Actaeon (Diana Surprised in Her Bath, Camille Corot, 1836) is a pointer helping his mistress to "accidentally" walk in on the goddess Diana. Don't worry Diana, my dog does that to me all the time!

Bulldog alert! This E.B (Chance Encounter at 3 A.M, Red Grooms, 1984) loves going for walks at night and with that physique who could blame him? Gotta stay slim for the ladies!

This sweet girl with a smile on her face (Cider Making, William Sidney Mount, 1841s almost looks like a Basenji mixed with a Chihuahua to me, but I know for sure about one thing: She's 100% adorable!

This shaggy sheep dog mix (Madam George, Auguste Renoir, 1878) is good with children and being lovable. It looks at the viewer as if to say "back off or you'll feel what pain really is", but you get the feeling she could be won over with a biscuit or two.

All these buddies are viewable at the MET in New York City. Check them out for yourself! They are a lot less disturbing then the dogs at MoMA....

2011-12-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN DESK TOPS PAST

I am a big believer in constantly changing my desk top backgrounds to match my current mood/something I just saw on gawker/reddit/jezebel. I have quite a collection of them at this point and I'm pretty impressed with the scope, insanity. and disgusting nature of many of them. Here is they are in no particular order:

Please note, I did not create these images or even take the photos in the cases where they are photos. I am just a curator. Is there some kind of award for that?

2011-11-20T17:24:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN HORROR MOVIE TITLES

...for every day life.

THE UNSHAVEN LEG!!

NO MILK? NO CASH!!

NO HOT WATER BY 930AM!!

CAT BREATH: A MORNING STORY!!

THIN AND UNHAPPY OR FAT AND TAKING CELEXA!!

SHE NEVER WON A 'WORDS WITH FRIENDS' GAME!!

DOG HAIR - INSIDE OF THE COUCH!!

THEY WERE LOCKED IN THEIR BEDROOM WHILE TRYING TO INSTALL A DOORKNOB ON THEIR OWN!!

THE SLIGHTLY NOISY NEIGHBORS AT 10PM!!

THE GIRL WHO DID ANYTHING SHE COULD TO AVOID WRITING!!

REALLY? MORE SVU?!

A BAG OF POPCORN...FOR LUNCH!!

2011-11-08T06:14:00.000-08:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY, TUES NOV 8th

Sometimes I catch myself thinking "I own a car -- I'm such an adult", as I spray Febreeze on the dress I'm currently wearing. I don't know which one is right.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-11-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY, THURS NOV 3rd

When you find yourself 19 days away from your 30th birthday the best thing to do is wake up at 7am to watch a movie. That'll show 'em.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-10-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY, TUES OCT 11th

I think it's time for me to accept the fact that I will never be discovered at a karaoke night. Mostly because of my hair.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-10-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN OCTOBER MOSQUITOS

Long time fans of my blogs (hahahah) may remember in 2008 when a series of mosquitos ravaged me in my apartment in Greenpoint. If you are a new fan (hahahahah), here's a glance at the horror:

http://phaeacrede.blogspot.com/2008/10/today-in-bugs-oh-its-just-all-to.html

http://phaeacrede.blogspot.com/2008/05/today-in-phaea-vs-mosquito-and-fever.html

Well, it's been three years and as they say, the more things change they more then stay the same. My apartment might be bigger, my hair might be better, and I might have a husband, but the FUCKING MOSQUITOS STILL FIND THEIR WAY INTO MY GODDAMN BEDROOM WHEN IT GETS COOL OUT AND EAT THE SHIT OUT OF MY SKIN.

The one thing that has changes is that the mosquitos are less visible. For weeks I couldn't seem them at all, I just woke up covered in bites, feeling victimized. My husband feared that we had bed bugs, but I know the mark of the indoor mosquito when I see it. And then finally last night I got buzzed. A little buzzing in the ear of the tormented is a mosquitos way of saying…

"Hello blood sack. You can't see me but I can see you. Swing wildly in the dark all you want, looking like a zombie zumba instructor. Your body is mine."

I learned in 2008 that if you put the blanket over your head you can't breath but the mosquito also can't eat you. Alas, 2011 Phaea has not just a sleeping husband in her bed but a slightly evil cat and a 30 pound schnauzer mix who's motives are not always clear.

You would think that because I am their master they would be doing all they could to hunt down the FUCKING mosquito and eat it. Charlie the cat loves eating cockroaches and leaving a single leg out for me. What's a little mosquito to him? Nothing! But no, these two animals appears to be working with the mosquito as Gus pinned me down on one side and Charlie pinned me down on the other. I could not escape.

The more frightening thing besides the fact that my animals have turned against me is that these 2011 mosquitos seem to only be going for my hands. It's like they KNOW how I make a living and they are trying to destroy me. And I can't do anything about it.

Looking back, this blog post has clearly been written by an insane person -- or more accurately -- someone driven insane by something. In fact, how do you people know that the Mosquito has not lodged itself into my brain and is actually controlling everything I'm writing right now?

How do you know that I am not the Mosquito?

How?

HOW?

help me.

2011-09-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BEING UNTRUSTWORTHY

I've never been what you would call a classic "good friend." Oh, I care in my way. I'll gchat you, or send you a picture of my cat making a dumb face, but I'm terrible at making plans. And if I manage to make plans with you I am 80% likely to get sick and cancel. I blame anxiety/my burgeoning agoraphobia.

But despite my less then-user-friendliness, I happen to have some amazing friends. Friends I can play Nintendo with or go to IKEA with. Friends who don't mind that I only want to talk about my cat's dumb faces. And now as I get older I also get my friend's spouses. Or more accurately they get me with my inability to feed myself, grumpy sleeping requirements, and insane German need for schedules. Also, they get the occasional manic screaming. But I assumed that they loved me as much as their spouses did.

And then I found out that all my friend’s spouses think I’m a moron.

I never would have known if a lot of them hadn’t adopted puppies around the same time. Every time I showed up to meet the puppy the same scene played out.

Step One: The spouse takes me aside and sits me down. Spouse says: “Phaea. Don’t scream at the puppy. That will scare it. Don’t poke the puppy hard. And guess what? The puppy is very small. If you hug it too hard, you might hurt the puppy.”

Step Two: I am offended. I begin to play dumb. “What am this?” I ask.

SPOUSE: That’s the leash.

ME: So that is what ams ties the puppy to your fist? Oh.”

Step Three: I am introduced to the puppy.

ME: What am those?

SPOUSE: Those are the puppies teeth.

ME: If that puppies does bites me with teeths, is ok I bite back? Oh. Otherwise how else does he learns? What does puppy eat? Does puppy eat pizza? Oh. No pizza for puppy? Now I sad. I sad there no pizza party for puppy. I also sad, because you are married to my friend I always have to spend time with you if I want to see her. But ha the jokes on you because you have to spend time with me, and I am very, very stupid. Now hand me your puppy so I can pretend to do the Lion King and accidently hit it into the ceiling fan. Ha. Did not cover that in your speech. You should have.

Step Four: I gently Lion King the puppy into a slow moving ceiling fan. That did actually happen with one of the puppies. It was totally fine.

But it did prove the spouses' point.

Please note: I know the formatting of this post is messed up. I can't change it. Don't judge me you bitch.

2011-08-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN GUS' VACATION NOTES

Bad News: I killed three baby birds and put them in a pile.

Good News: There are literally no more baby birds for me to kill.

2011-08-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN CO-DEPENDENCE

My husband and I have a great relationship. We are there for each other, but give each other space. We share errands and household tasks. We let the other one watch what they want on TV. And we are romantic.

What we are not good at is being apart. Not because we miss each other so terribly, but because inevitably when one of us goes out of town the other one nearly dies. Take our last three sojourns apart:

1) Justin goes to LA. 20 minutes after he leaves, Phaea bends over and cracks her skull on the corner of an end table resulting in a bloody eyeball:

Graphic.

2) Phaea goes to Utah. Justin gets so drunk in the apartment that he passes out at 12am holding a container of his own vomit, which spills. Also, his punching hand is bleeding. Punchee = unknown.

3) Justin goes to LA again. A day later Phaea puts her hands in scalding hot water, mixes bleach and ammonia, and then almost drinks a glass of bleach.

It's romantic to say "I can't live with out you." But in this relationship it's more of a plea.

UPDATE:

It's getting worse. Last night I was just in a separate room then Justin and I smacked my head so hard on the corner of my filing cabinet that it still hurts today:

The conversation after it happened went like this:

Me: Ahhhh! I hit my head really hard on the corner of....(forgot the word "filing cabinet")
Justin: On the what?
Me: WHY DOES THAT MATTER!

2011-08-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

If you manage to pop an ice-cube out of a tray directly into your glass and no one is around to see it, is it still awesome?

It was.

2011-07-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN OUTFITS

Often when I'm picking out a Gap tank top to match my Old Navy shorts I wonder what it would be like if this was the outfit that I was forced to flee for my life in because of the pending apocalypse/zombie attack/Russo-German air raids. Is this an outfit I could survive in?

Obviously, the outfit in questions needs to stand up to all kinds of weather. So layers, surely. I could match my pink spaghetti strap number with my teal 3/4 boat neck American Apparel sweat shirt and toss a heavy coat into a shoulder bag. But what about my legs? Pants are the obvious choice -- but I really over heat in the summer and I assume that we'd be fleeing to warmer climates. This is really tricky. The perfect choice would obviously be linen pants, but in lieu of that my purple Calvin Klein stretch trousers would do in a pinch. I could roll them up in the heat and roll them down in the cold!

But then I would be dressed in pink, purple and teal. Too 80s?

Then there's the shoes!! If I'm going to be walking for hundreds of miles I need socks, that's all there is to it. And although sneakers are the smart choice, I think I'd pick my Clark's mocassins because they are cushy and form fitted. Also, they allow some ventilation when I reach my theoretical hot destination.

The hardest thing would be which bra to go with. The tank top I selected has a built in bra shelf but it's certainly not enough support for me. But I don't want to be flashy. No one wants to be flashy while fleeing! So I think I'll go with my blue semi-padded Tommy Hilfiger number.

This is all dependent on me actually having time to think about what I was wearing before I had to flee with my dog (on leash) and my cat (also on leash). I assume my husband would be with me too.

If I had to flee at this moment I would be wearing a flowering tank top with no bra, cruddy work out shorts and fit flops.

Totally my second choice.

2011-07-14T06:27:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN COMING SOON....

Later today I will review all the shows I've seen on the ID network. Look for that later today.

2011-07-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN NEW OBSESSIONS

When I find something that I like, I don't just have a little of it. I have so much of it that I smother myself in it until I get sick and can't look at it ever again. Just ask my husband! (rimshot)

Most recently it was spinning classes. Then it was nutella. Today it is something even more dangerous because of it's innocuous nature:

Sugar Free Italian Ice.

It all started when Uncle Louie G's ice cream shop[pe] moved into the building around the corner. My husband and I figured, great! Convenient ice cream right around the corner! What a nice thing to have for a special treat.

The first time we tried it was on July 4th. I tried the Rocky Road Rage and Justin had something boring. The ice cream was meh. But it is ice cream, so obviously I wanted to go back for more.

Several days later -- a Sunday I believe -- Justin was out running errands and I was lounging around the house/cleaning intermittently. I felt the urge for an ice cream coming on my so I texted him "let's get ice cream!" I can't remember what he texted back because my urge was so strong I decided not to wait for him. The next thing I knew a small Soprano Spumona was in my hand. It was meh. But I ate it all because it was ice cream.

Later Justin came home and asked me if I still wanted to get ice cream. I realized that there was no way he would know that I already had ice cream that day and I could in fact get a second ice cream. I was about to go for it until my higher power intervened and suggested I try a boring sugar free italian ice instead. So I went for it in the shape of a small Lemon.

In the past I would never bother with Italian Ice. If I was going to be BAD (IE eat sugar) why not be REALLY BAD (IE eat sugar, cream, dairy, fat, and chocolate). But as soon as that first spoonful of sugar free ice hit my tongue I was hooked. It tasted as advertised, like lemony ice, but it wouldn't make my stomach bloat (sugar), skin itch (chocolate), nose run (dairy) or cellulite grow as much (fat). I know there has to be SOMETHING bad in there that causes cancer or is the bad kind of carbs or something, but I didn't care. All I knew was that this was a tasty treat that didn't make me sick. I was hooked. Bad.

Here's how the week has gone:

Sunday: 1 sm. s.f. lemon italian ice

Monday: amazingly none

Tuesday: 1 sm s.f. rainbow italian ice for dinner

Wednesday: 1 sm. s.f. tangerine italian ice (not from Louie Gs! I came across a place in the city and bought one at 4pm!), 1 sm. s.f. cherry italian ice

Thursday: The day has just started but I suspect all three meals will be replaced by s.f. italian ices.

Besides the fact that I so clearly have no self control, there MUST be a down side to these icy treats. Calories certainly. But is that the worst? Does anyone know? Not that it matters because I'm deep in right now. By next week I'll be seeing the world from below the floor like Trainspotting.

Ah well. It's a sweet way to go.

2011-07-06T19:24:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN SPILLAGE

fucker.

I hate the Summer for many reasons. The sun depletes my resources. The heat sucks my energy. Ice Cream is my master. And, worst of all TV is fucking terrible. Right now I am re-watching John Adams on HBO on demand and hating it. My brain is desperate for something entertaining, exotic, well produced or just mindless with out being asinine. (White Collar, I'm looking at YOU.)

So, I started coming up with ideas for shows that I'd like to watch. Here are my pitches to you, dear internet. Someone please make them.

1) Monsters Without Borders: 60min/drama. The story of monsters that terrorize people all over the world no matter where they originated! Are the people of Switzerland suffering from a lack of scares? Monsters Without Borders will be there!

2) Detective Werk: 30min/comedy. A drag queen detective solves crimes and looks fabulous! I would be happy if this was a drama too.

3) Law & Order: Can I Talk To You For A Minute: 60min/procedural. A classic L & A series focusing on interrogation rooms and characters bursting in and saying "Can I talk to you for a minute" every two seconds.

4) These Modern Girls! Feature Film. A female buddy comedy set in a fantasy middle earth type world. It's Lord of the Rings meets Bridesmaids meets Xena: Warrior Princess. They are a loose canon bounty hunter, a sensible blacksmith, and a spunky young king's guard and they are trying to stop an evil man from getting some kind of magic stone. I will probably write this so if anyone wants to pre-pay for the rights to make it, let me know.

What about you guys? What do YOU want to be on TV right now?

2011-06-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN GUS THOUGHT OF THE DAY

"I want to poop on the whole world....

...and pee on all the flowers."

2011-06-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN CURSES!

I have still not beaten any of the games I set out to beat last week to make way for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D. I did log about 15 hours in Pokémon White Version which is freaking great. But then my friend Josh dropped off his PS3 for the summer and I got some loaner games from friends. Plus, I've been a little button pushy with the new Nintendo eShop So now my games list looks like this:

- Donkey Kong Country Returns (2 boards away)

- Kirby's Epic Yarn (1 boss fight away)
- Professor Layton and the Curious Village (50% done)

- Pokémon White Version (31 hours, 78 Pokémon, 6 gym badges)

- Chrono Trigger (10- 20 hours away)

- Super Mario Land (1 boss fight away)

- The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX (first dungeon)

- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D (not started yet)

- Katamari Forever (30% done)

- Red Dead Redemption (not started yet)

It's like a dream come true and yet so totally overwhelming I don't know where to begin. Obviously I need to knock out DKCR and KEY by just sitting down and doing it. The rest? Well, it's gonna be a great summer.

2011-06-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN "WHAT ARE YOU EATING?"

Time to play America's new favorite game: GUS!!??? WHAT ARE YOU EATING???!!

Gus???!!! What are you EATING?

Soy milk!

A piece of paper!

A small bone!

A part of a bird!

Some dirt!

A rock!

A stick!

An orange peel I saw!

Cat shit!

We all lose.

2011-06-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN HIGH FIVES

picture: not my hands.

Nothing makes one more confident then executing a high five well. Consequently, nothing can send you spinning down a hole of self regret faster then a high five that fails.

Yesterday my associate and I tried to accomplish a high five and botched it so spectacularly that I am still reeking of shame. Here is our patented method:

1) both reel back for the high five.

2) miss hitting hands completely

3) party one- accidentally grab your partner's wrist

4) party two- hit your elbow loudly on the table below you

5) stare at each other with shock and awe

Is YOUR ego too big today? Try this moronic high five out for your self!

2011-06-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BEATING A BUNCH OF GAMES

My quest to beat six games is going really well as far as playing Pokémon White Version for 10 hours goes.

Here is my current line up:

I am in the Chargestone Cave keeping Team Plasma at bay. I've playing about 26 hours so far.

If you guys haven't tried out this game, I completely recommend it. It's all about balance. You only get four moves per Pokémon and six Pokémon at a time, and you need to try to level them up equally. It's so satisfying to discover that your ground type Pokémon will DESTROY electric type Pokémon. And all the battles are animated and adorable.

I'll let you know how many hours it takes to me to beat it completely.

2011-06-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BEATING VIDEO GAMES

Everyone attacks a new video game in different ways. Some play it straight for a week until they beat it, some people are happy just to beat the final boss, some people must complete 100 %, and some people (me) do it like this:

Step One: I get the game. Der.

Step Two: I dive right in and play it pretty consistently for a week or so. I talk about nothing else. But I do not sacrifice sleep or meals or walking the dog. I am, after all, a gentlelady.

Step Three: As time passes I'll pick it up every once in a while for an hour or two.

Step Four: Eventually, about 6 months- 1 year later, I'll pick it back up, power through, and beat it, usually on a whim while perusing my game shelf.

Step Five: I finally start going for a 100% completion with collectables and what not.

This patented method is more focused on the experience of playing then beating the game, CLEARLY, and has the added bonus of keeping a game in my life for 1 year +.

And while it is a system that works best for me, it occasionally bites me in the ass butt. Currently I am in Step Three or Four of SIX SEPARATE GAMES:

1) Kirby's Epic Yarn (almost 100 percent, played up to the last boss.)

2) Donkey Kong Country Returns (In the Factory World, unlocked the first 3 temples, stalled after that, just trying to make it to the end).

3) Pokémon White Version (Solidly half way through. Pokédex at around 4o%.)

4) Professor Layton and the Curious Village (6 hours in, the puzzles are harder then the ones from Diabolical Box, and I find I need to play with a notebook at my side.)

6) Crono Trigger DS (Resenting that I have to go back and open all the locked treasure chests and then go forward and collect the booty. Not sure why I am so hung up on that because it is OPTIONAL.)

And just to make life even more complicated I started playing GoldenEye 007, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, and Super Mario Land. I'm not as committed to these games but I still have them in my heart.

The reason this is all so tense for me right now is that The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D in coming out next week and I very much want to buy it and play it and love it and beat it and play the master quest and play boss challenge mode. But I really, really feel like I should beat these games first. Maybe not 100%, but I need to see the final title screen before I jump into the next game.

Does that mean that I won't buy The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D when it comes out next week? NO. I means that I need to beat 6 games in 7 days.

I will let you know how it goes.

2011-06-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

If we all agree that January Jones is a bad actress and decide to just love her because she is pretty, we will all be a lot happier.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-06-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN MY WEEKEND IN PHOTOS

Sunday brunch for pigeons.

This offends me.

A MTA worker goes out of her way to help a customer!

I trash my manicure :10 after getting it. Literally. How do people keep a fucking manicure??

2011-05-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN FIVE DAYS WITH OUT FACEBOOK

So, my brain detox was a bit of a failure on the TV front because of all the TV I watched. Technically it was a failure on the facebook front too, because I swore I wouldn't use it for a week and only made it five days. But in those five days I really learned a lot about my dependence on that fucking social website. For one, nothing I do seems real unless I take a picture of it and post it onto facebook. There were so many times last week when I found myself taking a photo of a pie I made and almost sending it to my profile. Why? Does it seem like unless the internet knows I made a pie, then the pie didn't matter? Was enjoying the pie myself not satisfying enough for me? Do I really need to the support of my friends to justify everything I do? Five days of not falling for that, and my life seems a little bit more of my own again.

Second, I was much less judgmental. In the weeks leading up to my detox I had been overwhelmed by extremely personal information from some of my fbf's. Things that I didn't want to know. Things that I only knew a portion of and had to -- unfairly -- guess at the rest of the details. Things that made me sad, mad, and a gossip hound dying for any scrap of info I could gather. It was an ugly side of me that I didn't like. Facebook also tends to make my self-righteous side come out. "I can't BELIEVE she's doing THAT!" "I can't BELIEVE he POSTED that!" I would huff and puff and scream at the walls "don't they know the internet is FOREVER?". Who needs that attitude? No one. Certainly not my friends. Sometimes when you're in the mood to feel angry, facebook is a great place to go. It feeds my addiction to feel better than, AND when my friends announce shows or babies it feeds my addiction to feel less than! Both of those suck. Five days with out facebook and I had nothing to compete with, so I felt good.

Finally, I realized that I really do appreciate facebook. I can keep up with people I'm not very close to, scan my list of friends to potential casting opportunities, and stalk my husband when I am out of town. All of those things are totally healthy. I guess I just need, like everything else, to use facebook in moderation, which is something I am terrible at.

But I am never, ever giving up TV.

2011-05-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN DETOX DAY 4

Facebook: 0 visits.

TV: I don't want to say I gave up. I did watch two episodes of PBS' Sherlock Holmes on netflix ON THE TV, with my husband. Good news is, I loved it! Bad new is, seems like I probably watched TV. But I also went to the gym and made vegetables for dinner...specifically roasted rutabaga and wilted bok choy. Because I literally NEVER cook, something must be changing.

My Brain Feels: Optimistic!

2011-05-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN DETOX DAY 3

Facebook: 0 visits

TV: Not good. I managed to stay away until I found myself with a dead hour between 6:30 and 7pm when I was meeting a friend. So I switched between a season one episode of House and a recent season of America's Next Top Model. I was ashamed. After that I did some constructive things like work out! But then at 10pm I watched Law & Order: L.A. and part of Ghost Hunters and fell asleep. I AM NOT GIVING UP.

My Brain Feels: Jelly-like

2011-05-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN CONVERSATIONS WITH MY HUSBAND

ME: How could you not notice that I have a sunburn on my face?

HIM: (pause) I don't look at your face. I look at your boobs.

2011-05-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN DETOX DAY 2

Facebook: 0 visits

TV: Weeeeellllll, I was technically "working" while my husband watched an episode of The Simpson's on TV and later I did watch one more episode of Six Feet Under on my computer. So not great. BUT instead of laying around like slobs we did go for a nice walk by the waterfront and then played Chrono Trigger together. (Me on DS, him on Virtual Console), so that was a little better.

My Brain Feels: Sleepy.

2011-05-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN DETOX: DAY 1

Facebook: 0 visits

TV: Murky. I did watch a few minutes of the HBO movie To Big to Fail which is a MOVIE and not TV even though it was on TV. It was also really boring so I watched 2 episodes of Six Feet Under on my computer which is a TV SHOW but not ON TV and on my computer.

Today My Brain Feels: Panicky.

UPDATE: WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO LOOK AT ON THE INTERNET ALL DAY???!!! I'VE READ KOTAKU AND JOYSTIQ 34 TIMES ALREADY!!!!!! Phew. Got that out. OK.

2011-05-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN CONNERDSATIONS

Instead of "conversations". Get it? Great.

This weekend my Husband took my to see Weird Al Yankovic in concert. (Fun fact: "Weird" Al is literally the only person I will ever see in concert!) We were dressed like this:

Fun Fact #2! This is literally the worst picture of me ever taken!

We are fun people!

As we stood in the lobby waiting to take our seats with all the other 13 year old boys a young man approached me. He was stocky, spotty, and greasy. In his hand he held a stack of magic cards. He was about 20 year old. I liked him immediately.

NERD BOY: I admire your outfit. You really dressed up.
ME: Thanks! I dress this way every day just in case a Weird Al concert randomly breaks out.
(silence)
NERD BOY: To prove that you are a real nerd I will greet you with the salute from Red Dwarf.
(Nerd Boy performs the salute from Red Dwarf.)
ME: Oh, I never really got into Red Dwarf because my loyalty for 80's English comedy really fell more on the side of Black Adder and the Young Ones. And I saved my sci fi love for Dr. Who.
(Nerd Boy stares)
NERD BOY: (with Red Dwarf salute) Red Dwarf.
Nerd Boy walks away.

Ladies and Gentlemen, that guy!

2011-05-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BRAIN DETOX

After a few weeks of being overwhelmed by other people's business I have no business knowing on facebook and turning to Law & Order: Special Victims Unit to forget it all, I realized that my brain is full of crap.

So I am going to not watch TV or go on facebook for one week. Monday May 23rd - Sunday May 29th.

We'll see how that goes!!

2011-05-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN "WEIRD" AL'S SET LIST FROM MAY 21st*

1) Polka Face

2) Franks 2000 Inch TV (!!!!)

3) You Don't Love Me Anymore (!!!!)
4) Smells Like Nirvana

5) Jungle Cruise Ride

6) Radio Radio cover (!!!!)

7) Perform This Way (Dressed like a plushie peacock, immediately following a video with Madonna, and a line in the song that was "Express Yourself" MEOW!!)

8) Charles Nelson Riley

9) Let Me Be Your Hog (Amazing)

10) Canadian Idiot

11) I Wann Be Your Lover (I got THIS close to a lap dance)

12) Medley: Beverly Hillbillies, What Ever You Like, Confessions Part III, Ebay, Bedrock Anthem, Another One Rides the Bus, Spider Man, Trapped In the Drive Thru, Gump.

13) Eat It

14) Craigslist

15) Amish Paradise

16) White & Nerdy

17) Fat

ENCORE

18) We All Have Cell Phones (So Let's Be Real)

19) The Saga Begins

20) Yoda

Plus about 10,000 videos. It was weird-tastic.

* We guessed at some of the names.

2011-05-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN THE LITTLE THINGS

There is nothing like reading a Cracked article only to spot a man you went to acting school with in a stock photo:

Meisner bless you Shawn, where ever you are.

2011-05-06T06:08:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: WOOOO!

I panic when spinning instructors or rock stars ask "how you feelin''! because I know I am suppose to say "wooo!". I have been cursed with an awful "wooo!" that always makes my voice crack and sound like I've been in a coma for eleven years and just now began to talk again, and that my first word to my concerned family is "Wooo."

This was the thought of the day.

2011-05-03T18:52:00.000-07:00

THE TNT THOUGHT OF THE NIGHT

As uninteresting as the upcoming show Franklin & Bash looks, TNT is KILLING it with the fake schwarmy lawyer ads. KILLING IT.

It's enough to make me actually tune in! How about you? Will you guys be watching June 1st at 9/8c on TNT?

2011-05-03T06:02:00.000-07:00

TUESDAY GAME PITCH: PHOBIA WHO?

Today's Game Pitch is a puzzle game in the realm of that fantastic board game "Guess Who?"

Only instead of trying to guess the person, you try to figure out what phobias the person suffers from! So, Steve would come up and you'd tap questions like:

"Can her go outside"

"Does he do better in the light or the dark?"

"Do scaly things make him nervous?"

"Does he dislike Friday the thirteenth?"

And then based on all the answers you would guess Steve was agoraphobic, achluophobic, ophidiophobic, and paraskavedekatriaphobic!

You could unlock phobias as you go, and the game would get more and more complicated! Imagine the fun of local wireless two-player mode!

This idea is copy write protected because it's so good.

Also, this is best website ever: The Phobia List

2011-05-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN GAMES OF THRONES SPECULATION

With out reading any of the books or doing any internet research I am going to make some wild guesses about Game of Thrones:

1) The current Queen killed the Kings former Queen (Ned Stark's sister?)

2) Ned Stark's bastard is ACTUALLY the son of the King and his former Queen, not Ned Stark's son

3) The Prince is the son of the current Queen and her brother

4) The Queen and her brother are not ACTUALLY brother and sister (wishful thinking)

If you have read the books message me privately to tell me I am right.

GAME OF THRONES! WINTER IS COMING!

2011-05-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SINGLE GIRL WEEKENDS

As much as I hate it when my husband is away for a few days, it always makes for an interesting experience. Because as much as I am capable to taking care of myself, I am also very, very stupid and rely heavily on Justin to get me through the day unharmed. The last time he went out of town I immediately hit my head so hard that I almost took myself to the hospital. Here is what day one and two of his absence looked like:

Saturday

930am woke up, confused about where he was

945- 1015am walked dog.

1016 ate yogurt

1017 -1130am sat on the couch staring into space

1130am decided to clean the house

1145am found a container of bleach and decided to "bleach clean" a bunch of things

1146am almost drank a glass of bleach

12-8pm a fog, not sure what I did. May have walked the dog and gone to the gym.

8pm watched "Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown"

10-1015pm walked the dog

11-12am read the New Yorker to feel that I accomplished something

12am passed out

Sunday

8am woke up, confused and scared

815-845am walked the dog

9am ate yogurt and tried to continue reading the New Yorker. So long.

10am decided to clean the bathroom

1015am almost poisoned myself with comet

11 -1230pm worked out. YES!

1245pm- 9pm watched Law & Order Special Victims Unit marathon, during which I saw the following two amazing things:

1. The Prince from Game of Thrones in a Wendy's Commercial:

2. An Extra with Some Hilarious Stripey Socks:

Close Up:

Hee hee! Nice costuming, extra costumer!

9pm watched Game of Thrones while finishing off a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. (Note: this was not my dinner. I ate dinner at 5pm because I was "bored".)

10pm watched most of The Killing, but started to fall asleep

1045pm walked dog

11pm passed out

11pm - 7am dreamt that Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon were competing over my friend Stacey and I sleeping at their respective houses.

Who knows what will happen on day three!!!!

2011-04-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN "I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT"

I, like most humans, am constantly beating myself up for being tongue-tied when I've been wronged only to think of the best comeback later. Like any healthy person it makes me feel weak, stupid, and useless. (is that just me??)

But yesterday I lived the dream. Something happened and instead of being at a loss for words, a snarky response came from my lips! It was a miracle. Here is how it went down:

Phaea waits with her dog at the crosswalk at 47th and Vernon for the walk signal. The red light comes on and incoming traffic stops, except for one black car which keep rolling gently until it stops in the crosswalk, directly blocking Phaea and Gus. Phaea is forced to walk into the street around the car and throws her arms up in grand a "What the FUCK?" gesture. As she enters back in the crosswalk the driver, behind her now, rolls down his window and says:

"Excuse me..."

The fucker had pulled up in front of me to ask me directions. I hate that. Not only is it rude, I find it vaguely threatening. Block ME in will you? Make ME walk in the street with my dog? Here is what my mouth spat out, over my shoulder as I walked away:

"I am not giving you directions NOW, man."

Bam! Take that! The driver mocked me by faking laughter and they drove on.

Strangely, or not strangely to healthy people, I did not feel good afterwards. I felt like a jerk and I felt like I'd opened a door for that guy to be pissed at me. Pissed guys are not something I like to create. I came out of the experiencing realizing that controlled silence really is the best way out of any situation that rubs me the wrong way.

I also came out of it thinking I should always have my cell phone on me to call the police, just in case I can't keep my mouth shut.

Still, a good nights work!

2011-04-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SECRET WISHES

I really wish that some where, some how, there is a underground gambling ring where people lay down bets on who is going to win reality contest shows.

I want it to be feminine but seedy and for most of the bookies to look like they were rejected from Real Housewives of New Jersey. I hope that people make bets using credit cards and that if you can't pay your debt I hope they break your nails/and or your weave. I want the gambling events to look at first like a bunch of pals watching RuPaul's Drag Race with popcorn, but by the end women are screaming and cursing, and men are cyring and begging for another line of credit.

That is what I wish.

2011-04-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN JINXES

AP survey: Only oil shock can stop economy now

Thanks AP. Thanks.

2011-04-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN REALITY SHOWS

Just as I lose my love for RuPaul's Drag Race (or "RuPaul's Androgyny Race / America's Next Bully Super Star) and almost swear off reality shows for ever I read this press release:

Not only is Ice-T my favorite rapper turned actor NOT JUST BECAUSE OF Law & Order: SVU, but because of this:

...but I love Coco and her "this is my ass and this is who I am!" attitude.

You may think that as a feminist I might have a problem with the above picture. I do not. I love her and this picture. Her tweets are funny and she loves Ice-T. Done. I'll support her to the end of the earth although I may never buy one of her calendars.

The reason I love this couple so much is so much explained by this line:

Even more then Coco's booty, I adore committed couples that just love each other all over. (Except the Pinkett-Smiths. CREEPY.)

I think that I will make it my mission to live blog each and every one of these episodes. Anyone wanna make a Ice loves Coco viewing club with me?

Anyone?

2011-04-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN VIDEO GAME PITCHES

Someday I'd like to design a video game. Until then I plan to pitch video game ideas to the Internet in the hopes that the Internet will catch them, program them, and hand them back to me in the form of a cartridge or "card".

Today's game is called "Real Estate Rampage!"

It's partially a puzzle game where you, a real estate broker, match a variety of apartment seekers with the perfect apartment, I.E: 3 hipster roommates match a 2 bedroom (one will sleep on the couch) over a taco joint off the G train! A professional party planner and a broker couple match a 2-room luxury apartment on the Upper East Side just because it has a door man!

The twist? ALL THE APARTMENTS ARE HAUNTED WITH GHOSTS AND MONSTERS AND YOU ARE AN EXORCIST/REAL ESTATE BROKER! For example, you'd put a college student with flame-thrower arms into a Bushwick studio that's haunted by Scarecrow-Fiends! Or a blue collar dude with telekinetic powers into an Astoria apartment haunted by Utensil-steins. ( A Frankentstein's monster that's made out of utensils. Duh.)

Please send illustrations of Scarecrow-fiends and Utensil-steins and we'll design this one together.

Also, I took that photo from blog.apartmentsearch.com, which probably gave my computer a virus.

2011-04-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN PANTS

When Lady Gaga first started turning heads for never wearing pants, I was shocked. Not shocked at her indecency, shocked because the world was finally getting over pants. I am so rarely wearing pants around my house that it could be said we were living apart. With in minute of walking in my door I will unbutton and drop my jeans like a filleted heap on the floor. The piles sit around my apartment like so much roadkill until I scoop them up and resentfully throw them back in a drawer. When ever the door bell rings, the first thing I do, like a pavlovian dog, is scoop up some kind of butt covering, be it towel, sheet, or loyal pet, before I even see who it is. And if you asked me if I wore pants when I was home I would "No, what do I look like -- a snob?"

If you imagining that this is sexy, it's not. Unless you find a sweaty woman dropping salsa on her underwear while she tries to feed herself tortilla chips while watching Law & Order sexy. Even my husband will stand in the door way, take one long look and then back away. And I accept it, because I love my freedom to sit around pants-less as much as I hate wearing pants.

You would think that a person like me wouldn't own any pants. Strangely, I do. Here is a list of them:

6 pairs, sweat pants. These range from the fabulous (blue terry cloth), to feminine (orange with a flower), playful (pajama bottoms with dogs) to sad (yellow).

5 pairs, dark blue jeans, in various degrees of fanciness: Dress Up (tight dark blue, one stain), Business Casual (Straight leg, one stain), Business Casual 2 (older pair of straight leg, two stains), Bellbottoms to cover up my shape-ups (wrong size), Black (black).

1 pair of khakis I am confused about owning.

1 pair of purple "trousers" from Calvin Klein that I am also confused about owning.

And that's all.

Of all these pants I only wear the 2 business casual jeans (read: just jeans) and the sweat pants consistently. I hate the rest of them, but I know better then to throw out all of my pants. I know THAT much.

I just pray for a society in the future where I can walk out in the open with out my pants and you will all accept me, and dare I say, love me.

-- but no, it will still never be sexy.

2011-04-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN GETTING SLEEPY

I've never been a high energy person. At sleepovers I would always be begging my friends to go to sleep. When I bar-tended I would kick patrons out at 12am on the dot so I could go to bed. If I am bored, I go lay down.

I discovered coffee freshman year of high school and hated it. It tasted like medicine and made me sweat like a drug addict -- ironic because I quickly became hooked on the stuff. I loved how it caused me to brun brightly for a whole day! In college I used coffee primarily to get me though work outs at the gym, but never to stay up all night because I still liked to go to bed at 11am. My housemates senior year can attest to that.

Now in days I need 2 - 3 cups to just make it through the day. My energy is so low that I can't plan to do any more then work, work out/go to a meeting, and then go to bed for 8-10 hours. The first thing I cut out was my social life, which was easier then I thought because of my live in best friends (dog, cat, husband). The next thing on the list to go was shopping for food. Fresh Direct and living off of eggs and bread -- two things you can buy ANYWHERE -- suffices. But, also, I am still tired!

So, I chopped sugar out. I got a little thinner but still can't stay up past midnight. I assume as I get older this will get worse and worse. There will be a day in the future when I will only be functionally for 2 hours a day and the rest of the time I will have to be on the couch watching Law & Order and catching cat naps.

On second thought, that sounds awesome.

2011-04-22T06:51:00.001-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Swearing that you will get up early to go to the gym and then not doing it makes you feel fatter then if you just didn't think to go to the gym at all.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-04-20T11:31:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN INSULTING FACEBOOK ADS

I guess they figured out that I like video games, to bad ends.

2011-04-20T11:27:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN REPOSTS

This was from BofPC circa March 2008, and I love it:

TODAY IN SMOG:
The EPA put out a list today outlining all the counties in the US which had unbreathable air due to smog. As dramatic as this list is, I was more preoccupied with the variety of goof-tastic names that many of the state's counties were given. Phroofie's picks are below:

Best Counties (or Parishes) per state with unbreathable air:

Alabama; Shelby
What a nerd!

Arizona; Pinal.
What a gland!

Arkansas; Pulaski
I live near his bridge!

California; Shasta
Seriously?!

Colorado; Arapahoe
An garden tool turned to hip hop!

Connecticut; Fairfield
As boring as the state is.

Delaware; New Castle
What a delicious, dark, malty county!

Florida; Bay
Nice creativity, genius'.

Georgia; a tie between Bipp and Gwinnett
The lost teletubbies.

Idaho: Ada
George Washington: "So, founders of Idaho, what will you name this county?"
Founders: "Ahhhhh duuuuh.....a?"
George Washington: "Oh god, what hath I begun?"

Illinois; Lake
Ah yah, the highly touted "Illinois lake region."

Indiana; Allen
I like things just named after some dude.

Kentucky; Oldham
Gross! Don't eat it then!

Louisiana; St. John the Baptist
Like Pulaski, SJtB really has a huge range of crap named after him.

Maine; Hancock
Simple instructions to achieve male pleasure.

Maryland; Prince George's
All right Prince George! It's all yours! What a baby!

Massachusetts; Barnstable
When in doubt just put two related nouns together and form a new word.

Michigan; Schoolcraft
See? The MA technique is a real winner.

Mississippi; Jackson
Cop out.

Missouri; Saint Louis vs. St. Louis City.
Seems a tiny bit redundant.

Nevada; Clark
What a nerd!

New Hampshire; Hillsborough
aka a place with a lot of hillsLIVE FREE OR DIE!!

New Jersey; Monmouth
Anything with "mouth" is hilarious, the suggested Jamaican accent at the top is the frosting.

New York; Rensselaer
Ooh la la!

North Carolina; Wake
How very uplifting.

Ohio; Portage
The act of carrying stuff!

Oklahoma; Cherokee/Comanche
Sort of ironic...we killed them all right?

Pennsylvania; Bucks
Just say it out loud and plaid flannel shirts appear in front of your minds eye.

Rhode Island; Washington
Aw. Little RI wants a capital of the nation too!

South Carolina; Darlington
Adorable!

Tennessee; Meigs
Cousin of the world "meh".

Texas; Hood
A county that asks you to look under it, and not even in an ironic way.

Utah; Utah
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

Virginia; Prince William
See Prince George? Thats they way to have your name on something with out being all possessive!

Washington DC; Washington DC
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

West Virginia; Wood
A-derrrrr

Wisconsin; Door
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

If you state isn't listed, breathe easy.

2011-04-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN DEATH STARES

I have no doubt that this will be the last thing I see:

2011-04-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN INTELLIGENT CONVERSATIONS

The other night I was riding the train home and playing Dragon Quest IX on my blue Nintendo DSi system. A Father and his 8 year old boy walked on the train after me. Innocently, the Dad teased his son: "Sit next to the lady and see what game she's playing, ya Nintendo DS nut."

The poor man did not know the pandora's box he was opening. His son and I launched into an intense conversation about what games he was playing (Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time), games he had recently played (Mario Vs. Donkey Kong: Mini-land Mayhem), games he wasn't so interested in (Pokémon- which was disappointing), and games we were both looking forward to (Mario Sports Mix), and places that were awesome (Nintendo World Store ).

At mention of Mario Sports Mix the poor dad tried to enter the conversation by prompting the boy to tell me where they were coming from. "Why?" asked the boy, truly confused. "From the Knicks game at Madison Square Garden!" To adults real sports and sports video games are some how related. The kid and I didn't get it.

We talked about Sonic Colors and the things we liked about it. Me: The switching from 3D to 2D. Him: A cut scene where a bad guy kept calling Sonic a rat. Because I am an adult I talk about games like an adult and because he was 8 he talked about games like he was 8, but some how what we were both saying made a conversation. A very long conversation that was going into it's 15th minute when the train pulled up my stop.

And unfortunately for the Dad, his stop too. He could barely hide his growing discomfort as I tagged along after them and his son engaged me on the topics of New Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. Wii, and a cut scene from I think Partners in Time where Mario dropped something on Luigi's head, which was hilarious.

Above ground the exhausted Dad finally dragged my new best friend away. He was quick to tell me that they did NOT live in my neighborhood, they had just parked their car there, probably fearing that I would try to follow him home and camp in the living room helping his son collect all the star coins in SMBW for the next week.

If I ever have a child I hope he's just like that kid.

2011-04-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN FURTHER EVIDENCE THAT MY FRIENDS ARE AWESOME

2011-04-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Sometimes I look up and the cat is looking at me like he's trying to make my head explode with his mind. And I respect that.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-04-18T10:45:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN Hopelessly devoted to Ru

I am not an obsessive person. Sure, I check perezhilton.com 50 times a day and frequently spend 24 hours watching seasons 1-5 of The Office on Netflix butI swear I could easily quit those habits. Which is why I am so concerned about my deep emotional attachment, attraction, and yes, obsession with RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Don’t get me wrong; the show deserves my love. In the TV purgatory of real housewives and shots at love, Drag Race is one reality show that America needs. RuPaul’s reality competition features the country’s best Drag Queens fiercely battling for the title of America’s Next Drag Superstar. The challenges swing wildly from photo shoots to no-holds-barred pole dancing acts (Season two), always ending with RuPaul ordering the bottom two girls to “lip Sync for your life!”

The show is deeply affecting my home life. If I utter the phrase “Girl, this is what America’s Next Top Model WISHES it was!” one more time, my husband will lock me out of our apartment. I can’t help it. I talk differently when I watch RuPaul and her flock of drag superstar hopefuls! I’m learning that “Fish” means looking like a real girl! That “Cooking” is letting make up rest on your face before you blend it! That “ki ki” is when two drag queens have sex! When I watch Drag Race I become a 10-year-old girl again watching a confusing scene on Melrose Place. I don’t really understand what I’m watching, but I know I want it, bitch! I’m sorry…it seems so rude when I say it.

When season one premiered in 2009 I remember watching it happily and chatting about it with my mom on occasion. But I had no idea it had planted this seed of burning desire for more until I started see ads for season two. I spent weeks before the Feb 2^nd premiere giving myself terrifying make-over with logo’s online “Dragulator” and staring at the 12 queens at the bottom of the poster. I just knew we were all going to be best friends. Now that season three, my least favorite so far, is wrapping up, I already feel the empty hole in my heart that represents the lack of Drag Race on TV growing again.

At work, I hear myself going on and on.

Season Two: “Well, Sonique and Tyra are the prettiest but they don’t have the biggest personalities. Tatiana is gorgeous, but the other girls think she wants to be a tranny, not a drag queen. You have to watch the extras on logo.com to learn that. Pandora Boxx is clearly the best entertainer, and I bet Morgan McMichaels is a close second, but she seems like she takes herself too seriously…or she might be evil or something. Jessica Wild I totally see winning. She is so sweet it seems like she just falls into fabulous. Raven scares me. But I think that’s what she’s going for? And Sahara and Jujubee…I like them but they totally get lost in the crowd.”

Season Three: "Seriously I hate that Raja, what a club kid! I wish Mimi Imfurt didn't lose her shit like that because she CLEARLY had the stuff to be a great entertainer. I really don't understand the point of Shangela, I mean I can put on better makeup then her and I hate make up! And also, I am kind of in love with Alexis -- is that weird? Out of all of them I think that Yara Sofia COULD have won this if she just didn't let the judges GET to her. I would love Manila so much more if she wasn't a heather. Ugh I hate that RAJA!!!!!"

Cut to my coworkers pinching the bridges of their noses in cartoonish aggravation. Is this what being a Lost fan is like? I can’t stand those people.

I knew I had turned a dangerous corner when I broke down in tears after Logo.com took down an episode 4 preview video. I had only been able to watch it twice! To cheer myself up I re-watched clips from season 2 episode 2 -“Starrbootylicious” - on my laptop. Thus I found myself, a straight girl in a happy relationship, sitting in the dark and watching men dressed as women dance on a stripper pole. For one moment I felt self-conscious. Was this sad? Was I pathetic? RuPaul’s featured song, “Tranny Chaser”, helped me shake those nonsensical feelings and I watched all eleven solo performances. Nicole Paige Brooks from Atlanta, Georgia was not as bad as the judges made her out to be. Sitting next to me, my fiancé watched Apolo Ohno speed skate on TV as I watched Sonique do a back flip into a split. Ohno won a bronze and Sonique made it rain dollars. But I knew who the real winner was: Me. And maybe my fiancé because I was soon up on my feet trying to “drop it like it’s hot” just like those cross-dressing heroes of mine.

At this point I realized that I wanted to be a drag queen. It didn’t seem like such a stretch. RuPaul has famously said “I don't dress like a woman; I dress like a drag queen!” I already am a woman, but compared to Tyra Sanchez (season two), Alexis Mateo (season three), or Nina Flowers (season one) I’m basically a little boy. So if I tossed on a wig, let my make up cook, and hot glued some leopard print fabric to an old bra, what would that make me?

It would make me a tramp. Yes, being a girl blows sometimes. And I can’t even do a split.

So what makes a drag queen? It certainly isn’t as simple as just being a boy in a dress, like every one accuses Lady Gaga of being. It isn’t just wearing wigs, outrageous outfits, and dancing on stage, because again…Lady Gaga. It is this magical combination of being a real man, being a real performer, and being in a really great dress. Women like me sit with chin in hands, sigh longingly, and enjoy the view.

As I write these words there is only two precious episodes of RuPaul’s drag race season 3 left. Like I said before and will say again, this season was flawed in many ways. And yet, like a truly demented fan, I am already mourning the end of the show. The worst part of my week already was when each episode ends and I have to wait a whole 7 days for another. What am I going to do when America’s next drag superstar is finally crowned?

Bitch, pray for me.

Yeah. I really can’t pull that off.

2011-04-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN LOSING FAITH

When people said they didn't like The Simpsons, High School age Phaea got so upset she almost cried. Because she loved The Simpsons, and she loved them 1,000 times more then she liked anybody in High School (with a few exceptions!)

And now when my husband puts the show on, I groan. It's a real tragedy. I find the show tiresome now. Unfunny, too unbelievable, and boring. And I know the exact moment that I lost faith in the show, that moment when everything changed.

It was the episode "Take my Wife, Sleaze", when Homer fought a duel with a biker, both using motorcycles.

That's what I gave up. 1999.

I am really curious if you all have a similar moment from an episode, the moment that you gave up?

Let me know in the comments!

2011-04-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN LOOKY-LOOS

While watching this annoying Nissan Commercial for the 80th time:

I was struck by the fact that the dad to be looked strangely familiar to me:

And then I imagined him with an accordion and it all fell into place:

Multicultural Weird Al.

Hey, it's the morning. What do you want from me?

2011-04-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BAD DECISIONS

Three days ago I made myself a lunch of a sandwich and a small salad. I searched my fridge for dressing and could only come up with a sesame vinaigrette that had expired in Jan of this year. I remember thinking "salad dressing doesn't expire" and poured a helping heaping on my salad. And then I ate it.

Consequently I spent 7:45pm - 8:45pm in the bathroom. I will spare you the details.

Today I went home to make a lunch of a sandwich and a small salad. I opened the door to the fridge, took out the dressing, thinking "this might have given me that food poisoning..." and poured a heaping helping on said salad. And then I ate it.

Immediately I experienced what is technically known as "a grumbly in my tumbly".

My question is, what is wrong with me? Is there a official term for it? Psychiatrists of the world -- help me out.

2011-04-15T10:27:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN SIGHTS

Unless Peter Venkman is standing nearby, this is the last thing you want to see when you are leaving your apartment.

2011-04-15T05:43:00.001-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Speculation has the upgraded Wii Console (AKA Super Wii) hitting the markets in late 2012. As long as it's at least a few days before the end of the world, I'm fine with that.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-04-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SUNSHINE

Nice days like today are fraught with peril for people like me who use most of our down time to write, play video games, or watch TV. On rainy days we breathe a sigh of relief because we have a valid excuse to stay in and hunch over our computers, but on perfect Spring days, like today, we have to admit that we may have a problem.

I thank God above that I own a dog because he forces me to drag my ass out side for at least 20 minutes (usually longer thank you PETA) a few times a day. Before him it was just me and the cat who shared my love of watching hulu and napping for 12 hours at a time.

I'm trying to think of some ways I can still be a plugged in while fighting my vitamin D deficiency.

Here's what I've come up with:

- Take my Nintendo DS to the park and continue playing Pokémon White Version. As long as I find some shade to play under the glare won't be so bad.

- Load up some MOTH Pod Casts on the ol' ipod and take a walk along the water's edge, thus still submerging my brain in digital hipsterisms.

- Play brick breaker on my blackberry in the coffee shop's out door patio. Bonus: looks like I am doing work!

- ~~Think about Law & Order: SVU while I watch children play on jungle gyms.~~

- Take a walk around Manhattan and try to find a Gossip Girl film shoot.

- Read the latest Nintendo Power at the beach.

Any other suggestions to help me get out but not unplug?

2011-04-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN PLATFORMERS

Because I have been spoiled on such amazing platformers as Super Mario Galaxy 2 & Donkey Kong Country Returns here are the details that I now expect, nay, DEMAND in any new platformer or side scrolling video game I pick up:

1) Homing Attacks

2) Wall Jumps

3) Ground Pounds

4) Double Jumps

5) False Walls Leading to Hidden Areas

And if any of those are missing, I am disappointed.

Here are the details I am over forever.

- Unlockable Art

- Swimming Levels Where the Character Runs Out of Air Instead of Just Magically Being Able to Breathe Underwater

2011-04-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

An open message to 'hand wash only' panties: stop being.

This was the thought of the day.

2011-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

Four out of five times that I declare my love for L&O:SVU the person I am speaking to agrees, wholeheartedly. The fifth person is a man.

I have heard L&O:SVU be called sweatpants for the brain, heard husbands declare that L&O:SVU on TV is a guarantee that they will not have sex that night, and heard gay and straight woman both declare they would make love to any member of that cast. All of these things are true.

Whether Stabler and Benson are throwing perps against walls, Cragen is asking to speak to someone for a minute, or Dr. Warner is popping in from off camera saying "actually, the baby was alive before it was murdered", I am in heaven.

I can't even truly explain why I think this show is so good. First of all, the crimes are disturbing. Second of all, the stories often seem like the writers looked up, saw they had to deliver a script in ten minutes, brainstormed out loud for 30 seconds (Twincest! The sisters is actually not dead, she's in Deleware!), and then turned it in without proofreading. Third, it REALLY makes it seem hard to put a rapist in jail.

But the actors, oh dear god, the actors. B.D Wong can DO no wrong. I want to always be sitting in Mariska Hargitay's lap. Chris Meloni's eyebrows deserve their own line of credit. Ice-T should have his own channel that's just him staring at you. I've had dreams about Richard Belzer. I want to book an appointment with Tamara Tunie and that would mean I'd have to be dead.

I'm so grateful that I can almost watch my beloved show at anytime of the day thanks to marathons. Have you ever tried L&O:SVU in the morning? I have. There is no better way to start your day then with a coffee and A.D.A Alex Cabot.

Unfortunately, it's a rerun tonight. But the next time L&O:SVU is new, I am going to live blog it. Because only then can I truly express my dead, disturbing obsession with that show.

UPDATE:

Stabler: Doc, is our victim awake yet?
Doctor: I hope not. She's in the morgue.

YESSSSSS!!!!!!!

2011-04-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SWEET VALLEY TRAGEDY

As seen on Perez Hilton. You remember them THEN:

And now 10 years have gone by and look at them NOW!

Jessica and Elizabeth have LOST THEIR FACES AND NOW HAVE TO COVER THE MANGLED HORROR THAT THEY USED TO CALL EYES WITH THEIR HAIR WIGS!!!

Frankly, I am pretty impressed that Francine Pascal took such a dark turn with the Sweet Valley reboot.

2011-04-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN ADDICTION

I think it's safe to say that I'm addicted to coffee when I make myself a second cup, think "drinking this will probably make my guts fall out my ass" and then drink it anyway.

2011-04-13T06:38:00.001-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

I predict that in 20 years everyone will either be producing or starring in a reality show.

This was the thought of the day.

2011-04-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN DYING MY HAIR

Pretty natural, right?

2011-04-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

There should be a law against people from your past coming out of the woodwork and calling you up, unless it's to return money.

This has been the thought of the day.

2011-04-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN POKÉMON:

Ohhhhhh shit! Looks like this Wednesday Pokémon Black and White Version's Global Link Feature is finally active! That means we can link our games to our computers, chill out in a dream world, trade pokémon, and battle in the Global Battle Union! I don't fully understand but I do know that I want it and I want it now.

Who wants to battle?

2011-04-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS TAKEN LIGHTLY:

I am at a crossroads. Many people would argue that anyone could say that about any time in their life ever, but this crossroads of mine is particularly damned. I am a 29-year-old recently married freelance writer. My husband and I have a cat, a dog, and a mid-priced rental apartment in Queens. “Well shit, Phaea has everything!” you might say, and it certainly does feel that way. My little family loves me and I love them. We spend Saturday nights together in the living room hanging out, playing Nintendo, and licking ourselves. (Note: not all family members participate in all previously listed activities.) I work, he works, we pay bills, we talk about things we’d like to write, occasionally find time to write them. My life is like, as Henry Rollins once said, “… floating in luke-warm water…” Its comfortable, non-threatening, and it could easily drown you.

The thing about life is that it has to move forward, and it’s usually best to move forward with it. Per my career, I really like working as a writer. I’m ok at it now. I’d like to get better. And it occurred to me that some formal training might be the next appropriate step. Per my home life, I am insane for a baby. I seem to have a good thing going with the little family I’ve got and there’s space for one more tiny playmate. Thus my dilemma: Should I have a baby or should I go back to school for a MFA in creative non-fiction?

Has anyone else ever been in this position? Ladies?

The best way to make a decision this serious would be, of course, to pit a baby against a MFA in creative non-fiction in a battle to the death! But the second best way is an arbitrary point system based on only my most surface concerns. Let’s go:

Opening Argument: I want a baby. I also want a MFA in creative non-fiction. 1 point each.

Time Commitment: Baby would only take 9 months and then I get a baby. Grad school would take 2 years and then I get a MFA in creative non-fiction. I hate waiting for things, so 1 point for baby.

Attention: Baby will always get me attention. MFA in creative non-fiction will not. Point for baby.

Day Job Avoidance: Being in grad school means you don’t work; you’re just in school. Having a baby means you don’t work, at least for a few years. But, being in grad school potentially helps you get a career, and a baby definitely doesn’t. Point for MFA.

Freedom: MFA in creative non-fiction will keep me away from my home and my husband. Baby will keep me at home, but potentially away from my husband. 0 points.

Pride: MFA in creative non-fiction will make me proud. Baby will make me prouder. Point for baby.

Bang for your Buck: While the college experience ends with after my thesis is done, a MFA in creative non-fiction is forever. So is a baby. 1 point each.

Laziness: Both baby and MFA in creative non-fiction would help me put off getting a “career” a little longer! 1 point each. However, both are a lot of work. – 1 point each. However, however no matter what you have to travel to a school for a MFA in creative non-fiction. Point for baby.

Convenience: I can get a MFA in creative non-fiction by riding the train to my college or university. If I get a baby I’ll probably have to move to Mamaroneck, NY. Point for MFA.

Colic: MFA in creative non-fiction doesn’t cry or fuss. Baby cries a lot and shits everywhere. Point for MFA.

Cuddles: MFA will not cuddle with me. Baby will cuddle with me, and smile! Point for Baby.

Productiveness: I could spend my time in grad school writing a book! Baby would not let me write a book, most likely. Baby is a time thief. Point for MFA.

Character Flaws: Grad school makes me more selfish. Baby forces me think of the baby first. Reluctant point for Baby.

Appearances: MFA in creative non-fiction will give me a second degree, making me smarter. Baby will give me a bigger family, which makes me look mature. Point each.

Both will force people to take me more seriously! Double points.

Financial Aid: MFA costs $50,000, but I can potentially get scholarships. Baby costs a lot and there are no grants for procreation. Point for MFA.

Peer Pressure: Most of my married girlfriends are IN grad school, so a MFA in creative non- fiction seems normal. None of them have a baby, so a baby seems weird. Point for MFA. Counter argument: If I have the first baby amongst my friend, I will seem exotic to them and potentially get treated like I am more special. Point for Baby.

Dangle Baby: My husband could get one of those baby holders that dangles the baby off his chest, which would be adorable. He could not dangle an MFA in creative non-fiction. Side bar: My husband also will openly mock me for the MFA in creative non-fiction. He thinks grad school is a waste of time. Point for baby.

The Ugly Truth: It’s easy to have a baby after grad school but hard to go to grad school after a baby. Point for MFA, but it’s a depressing point. I don’t want to give up on of these dreams for the other. I don’t even want to put off one of these dreams for the other. I want them both, and I want them both now.

Total Scores:

Baby- 11 points

MFA - 11 points.

Of course. This must be one of those terrible “adult” decisions I’ve heard so much about. But even without a clear winner at least I can be grateful I have my husband, my dog, my cat, my mid-priced rental apartment in Queens, and my luke-warm water life. And grateful that I’m lucky enough to even have this decision to make. I’ve heard from the old timers that living is a journey, so even if I don’t know what to do with it, I can enjoy having the life I’ve got.

Also, my husband claims he isn’t ready to have a baby. Whatever. I guess I should take that into consideration.

2011-04-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN ALIENS:

Mysterious Garbage Piles...

...the Crop Circles of the Inner City.

2011-04-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

THOUGHT OF THE DAY:

It's really scary to buy a groupon that you intend to use with someone else. This is because you have to trust them to actually follow through and also buy the groupon. There is always the fear that they will fail to buy the groupon and then you have to go to a Russian bath house all by yourself.

This was the thought of the day.

2011-04-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN ROBOTS:

The Guess Who song "American Woman" was stuck in my head today. When you replace the word "woman" with "robot" the song still makes sense, but it's much, much scarier:

American Robot Stay away from me
American Robot Mama let me be
Don’t come Hanging around my door
I don’t want to see your face No more
I got more important Things to do
Then spend my time Growing old with you
American Robot Get away from me
American Robot Mama let me be
Don’t come Knocking around my door
I don’t want to see your shadow No more
Colored Lights Can hypnotize
Go and sparkle Someone else’s eyes
Now Robot I said get away
American Robot Listen what I say
American Robot I said get away
American Robot Listen what I say
Don’t come Hanging around my door
Idon’t want to see your face No more
I don’t need your war machines
I don’t need your ghetto scenes
Colored lights can hypnotize
Sparkle someone else’s eyes
Now Robot, get away from me
American Robot, mama let me be
Go, gotta get away, gotta get away
Now go go go
gonna leave you, Robot
gonna leave you, Robot
Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye
You’re no good for me
I’m no good for you
Gonna look you right in the eye.
Tell you what I’m gonna do
You know I’m gonna leave
You know I’m gonna go
You know I’m gonna leave
You know I’m gonna go, Robot
I’m gonna leave, Robot
Goodbye, American Robot

And then the robot shoots the singer with a laser gun. See what I mean? It's basically Britney Spear's video for "Till the World Ends".

2010-02-15T09:45:00.001-08:00

TODAY IN BILL MURRAY:

Bill Murray = Peter Venkman, Live Action
Lorenzo Music = Peter Venkman, Cartoon
Lorenzo Music = Garfield, Cartoon
Bill Murray = Garfield, Live Action....

If they remake Rhoda, WAIT FOR IT, as a cartoon...who will play Carlton??????

2010-02-12T08:53:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN OTHER THINGS I WORK ON!

Hey there! Are you interested in reading more stuff that I do for you? Check out: Deja Reviews, where I am a contributing writer. We write a review BEFORE we see the movie and then another when we see it. Awesome.

AWESOME.

2010-01-13T06:01:00.001-08:00

TODAY IN BEING A PROBLEM EATER:

My one goal for my life was to be strong and never cause waitress' problems. Both of these wishes have been shattered by my delicate stomach I gained late in my 20's. Just now, at the coffee counter I said this phrase:

"Can I have granola with fruit and soy milk (ed note: which is bad enough) but can you give me half of what you usually give me because it's too much and I can't finish it...and I feel guilty."

The above is an accurate portrayal as to how I have to order food all the time now. Here are some other favorites:

Is it a cream based sauce?
Is there alcohol in it?
Decafe please!
I don't like chicken.
...but with no tomatoes.

See my hell. Live in it with me!

2009-12-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN BRAIN JOKES!

I've been real lazy about updating the old blog lately! So to go even lower I am just going to repeat things that I posted on face book.

The following are two jokes that I thought of in my dreams, and actively FORCED myself to remember because they were so hilarious.

1) "Look I can tell you are calling me a douchebag. Why? Is it because my shirt is all wrinkled? My hair is mess? I am holding this fork?"

2) (chanted) "Hey, middle school friend! Why is your Dad so embarrassing?" (repeat 4 times)

Now, the first one had some context because I was coming to my friend Alex's house not to visit, but to eat a cake that he had. Thus the fork that I was holding in my hand. They person who I was talking to was a family member of Alex's who had said "Oh, how are you Phaea?" in such a way that I new she thought I was a douche bag. Thus the confrontation you see above. It was intended to be self deprecating. And so hilarious.

The second joke was performed on stage at a stand up club, so in my dream this was simply killer material for my next show. The stomping and clapping really brought up the energy of the house. In the dream I also lip synced "Somewhere over the Rainbow", which got no laughs, and started singing "Day-O", which brought down the house! But obviously, "Day-O" is someone elses' intellectual property (Winona Rider's?) so I guess the middle school dad song was my consolation prize from my brain.

2009-11-23T06:31:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN STUFF MY BOYFRIEND SAID TO ME THIS WEEKEND:

"Wait...are you getting religion?"

"I have to torture you in the morning because that's when your defenses are low."

ME: If I am in a coma, let me die.
HIM: No.

2009-11-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN FUCK THIS ALREADY:

I registers on The Knot for the "wedding" that I am going be having and they created a "to do" list for me.

(Close Up)

Yep. 368 items to do. I assume they include:

- Pre-lacing my bath towels
- Sanitizing my lips for church kissing
- Setting up a series of tests for my girlfriends to determine who deserves to be a bridesmaid the most
- Chasing unicorns to grind their horns into a special wedding powder

Jokes on them. I don't have any girlfriends!

2009-11-11T09:49:00.001-08:00

TODAY IN CRAVINGS:

I am craving both bologna and duck liver pate.

Not sure what that means at all.

2009-11-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN HALLOWEEN TRADITIONS AND ACCIDENTS

Justin and I had a very traditional Halloween by eating sushi and buying the double set DVD of "Romancing the Stone" and "The Jewel of the Nile". We made it through the first movie and decided to enjoy some of the awesome extras (including a piece called "Michael Douglas Remembers", obviously the best title ever to anything. Ever.)

We clicked on "A Hidden Treasure" , a featurette about the screenwriter Diane Thomas. Apparently she had been plucked from obscurity (AKA waitressing) when Michael Douglas bought her screen play for $250,000 in 1984.

Then shit got weird. I am going to paraphrase here, but this is basically what Michael Douglas said.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS; (talking to the camera) I Bought Diane a Porsche as a present. She came over to show me the new Porsche I got her, and that was the last time I saw her. Three weeks later she crashed it and died.

Um.

UM.....

Michael Douglas...you should not tell people that story.

2009-10-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN BASEBALL:

Isn't it so sad that they canceled the World Series? I mean, it's just not the same with out a world series to watch on TV. I never thought I'd see the day when MLB were just like...well, no teams deserve it and instead of letting two horrible teams play each other, we'll just cancel the whole thing. But here we are...no World Series.

No World Series to watch this year. :(

2009-10-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SHOCKINGLY BAD ACCIDENTS:

Yesterday my mother's cat Marvin bit her so badly that she had to go to the hospital and get an IV drip of antibiotics. Apparently, cat’s teeth are so sharp that when they bite the hole just closes up behind the fang depositing all sorts of bacterium. Thankfully, she is fine. At least the last time I heard from her. But it does make you think of all the threats in your life that you didn’t even consider. Like…

Pillows: They could suffocate you in your sleep.

Couches: It could fall over and trap you underneath.

Tweezers: While plucking you eyebrows you could trip and stab your eye out.

Shoes: What if they had a bunch of tacks in there?

Pots and/Or pans: Falling on head potential is high.

Oven: Trip and fall into it.

Stove top: Try to make popcorn and you trip and fall face first into it.

Neighbors: Murderers?

Front Steps: Suddenly lava?

The Street: Could open up and enable you to fall down into the earth! Again- lava?

Sweaty palms: Fall to grasp a railing, plunge to death on…

Stairs: See above.

Subway doors: Slam on your face/Baby.

Coffee: To hot!!

Chicken: Under cooked.

Fish Stick: Poisoned?

Cockroach: What if it CRAWLS in your mouth at night?

My Coworker: Just look at him.

God. I’m amazed that I’ve lived this long.

2009-10-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sure, it's been a long time. Maybe you even thought that it was dead forever! Or at least turned into a blog about unemployment! But NO!

Phaea's Blog Lives Again!

And to celebrate it's resurrection here is a list of things that I think should be laid to rest forever:

- The phrase "side-boob". My boyfriend and friends tell me it's a really awesome thing, but it never doesn't creep me out. The phrase I mean. The actual boob situation always make me think there was a taping malfunction.

- Celebrities who are anti-women being super vocal in gay rights movements. Lady Gaga, who told Entertainment Weekly that she wasn't a feminist and Joe Francis JOE FRANCIS both have spoke and marched at Gay rights rallies. Obviously, I am pro-gay rights...but guys...ladies are people too.

- Yahoo mail changing it's format every 2 weeks to try to be more like gmail and twitter. I know, it serves me right for still being on yahoo mail, but does my loyalty get me nothing?

- America's Next Top Model. Because it is designed to be addictive and last night it was in my dreams. And I was a confused contestant. And Tyra Banks told me that she used to have my hair cut but she was over it. It was..unsettling.

- Michael Jackson drama. I acknowledge that I am the only human on earth who wasn't into his music, but I just can't do it anymore. I am so tired of it I read a whole article on Mindy McCready and I don't even know who that is.

- Bar trivia nights that take 4 hours. You know who you are.

2009-07-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN ALREADY FAILURE:

I never thought I would be that person that talked to her cat. I mean, I have a boyfriend and friends and a semi-active career. And yet I find myself:

"Charlie. I have in this bag three kinds of cat food which I have purchased with my own money because you haven't eaten in two days. I know you are doing this just to get to me. So here....I will lay out these three boxes of dried cat food and you will pick the one you want....no Charlie...that's the empty bag from the store. That is not one of the choices....Ohh...ok, the purina indoor cat food? The most pedestrian choice, but then you seem to adore wasting all the expensive stuff I buy you, so it makes sense. Here you are, some in a little bowl. No? Two sniffs and then you walk away huh? OK. Here is some meat juice from a can of wet food that I know you won't eat. Good lick away, lick all that juice up...now EAT THAT FOOD. OH FINE. WALK AWAY CHARLIE. JUST WALK AWAY FROM YOUR MOTHER WHO LOVES YOU. GOD I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS UNLESS YOU EAT SOME FOOD!!!"

Then I tore up the couch in rage.

Also, I promised myself I would go to the Brooklyn Museum today and if it was closed, I would have to do yoga twice. It's closed.

Fuck.

2009-07-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SONGS ABOUT DICTATORS:
(that I wrote. Someone should write the music for me)

EVIL DICTATORS ARE UGLY
by Phaea Crede

They’re homely and dowdy
And frightful and grave
Appearing disfigured
And outright depraved
Some toady
Some loathsome
Some grisly
Some cursed
Of all the world’s uglies
Dictators are the worst

Benito Mussolini
Was fat and greasy
With a jaw line to be feared
Fidel Castro
Was an ugly old soul
Don’t look under his beard

Marshall Joseph Tito
Our nauseas’ complete-o
Look at your beady little eyes
And Ho Chi Mihn
You’re tight stretched skin
Makes all the children cry.

Pinchot
Fug? You bet!
The head of the ugly class
Slobodan
Not a sexy man
But cute for a monkey’s ass

Ferdinand Marcos
He’s just plain gross
And looks like a pedophile.
And Stalin’s sneer
Could ruin your year
But it’s much worse when he smiles.

Ayatollah
Like a Troll-a
Just like Mao Zadung
Saddam Hussein
We’d call him plain
By more accurate is hung.

The son of Shrek and Satan?
Oh no it’s Idi Amin
Misshapen Lunatic
Pol Pot Pol Pot
Looks like you got
Slapped by the ugly dick

Franco’s Ranko
Oaddafi’s Crappy
And Sabato would appall
But it’s no surprise
You can’t disguise….
That Hitler was the ugliest of all.
Yes….Hitler was the ugliest of aaaaaaaaaaaaaallll!

2009-07-03T18:46:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN BROOKLYN:
I headed to my corner bodega this evening to grab a Sierra Nevada for me and my boyfriend. I selected 24 ouncers and took them up to the counter to the 35 year old clerk of South American decent, who is super saucy and nice. Here is what happened:

ME: How much are these?
HE: $3.50 each.
(He takes my $10, yawning)
HE: Sorry, I'm beat.
ME: Oh my god it's so hot in here, I don't know how you do it!
HE: Oh my god, I know.

* Please note: He talks with a puerto ricanesque accent, I with a massachusetts valley girl...but we sort of phrase things the same.

HE: You got ID, right?
ME: You bet.
(I flip my wallet open)
HE: How old are you?
ME: Too old. 27.
HE: Oh my god, that's not too old, you're a baby!

*At this point we are both having a really fun time in the conversation. We are pleased to be talking to each other, for whatever reason. He turns to the thin, well dressed, and young blond white girl to my left, trying to include her in the fun.

HE: When were you born? 1989?
SHE: (terrified) Do you take credit cards?

Then he learned a very important lesson. You can joke around with the neighborhood girl with a greasy head band and no bra on, but the terrified upper-west side girl who just came down to Brooklyn to visit her friend and is hopelessly confused won't play along. Her loss.

2009-07-02T08:18:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN FOREBODING:
I am headed up to my old college next week to teach some bright young children how to improvise and act for film, IE things that I am mediocre at best at. Never the less I am really looking forward to spreading some words of wisdom and also sleeping in a shitty dorm for a few nights. Until I got the list of " items that you might want to bring to make your stay more comfortable."

Bedding and Towels
Additional Blanket
Additional Pillow and pillow case
Additional Towel
Wash cloth
Pool towel
* OK, so this means that we get one sheet and a shitty pillow, and one towel. That's fine, I mean, it's not a hotel or anything! Just a school we paid $160,000 to go to. Did I ever tell you about the time I slept through my 9am Architecture Lecture? I basically wasted $12,000. The only morning I stayed awake was 9-11 because there was a giant screen in the lecture hall.

Personal Toiletries
Toothbrush and toothpaste
Soap and shampoo
Deodorant
Cosmetics * This is the one that bothers me the most. Does this mean A) they WANT us to wear make up so we don't scare away the children by looking scrubby and artistic? or B) that some people might have assumed that the school would provide make up for us? I'm still going with my original plan and hitting the theatre make up to come to class dressed daily as Vampira, Frankensteins Monster, Bette Davis, Dr. Manhattan, or a girl that just got beat up.
Insect repellent
Sunscreen
* In all, I am pretty insulted by this list. Why do they think I don't know to bring deodorant? Also, why is conditioner not listed?? Does this mean it WILL be provided? I have more questions now then before! That is until we got to :

Clothing
Sleeping attire, robe and slippers * Sleeping attire....fine. Robe and slippers? That just says to me "don't let your skin touch the floor or the walls."
Shorts, light shirts, tee shirts... "you morons"
Lightweight long pants... "you fucking morons"
Lightweight jacket, sweater or sweatshirt... "in case it gets chilly, you stupid idiots"
Swimsuit (if using pool)... "I guess you'll need an explanation for the swim suits, you goons!"
Sneakers or other comfortable shoes..."Here have some options you FRICKEN RETARDS!"
Socks..."fuck you!"
Undergarments..."You would be too stupid to bring panties you moron SLC graduates!"

Miscellaneous
Lap top with cords (wireless service in select areas only—not dorms)
Small Flashlight * This one disturbs me. Does lights out mean every light? Even the stars??
Laundry bag, detergent, quarters for washer and dryer * That's ambitious.
Coat hangers * Just confusing. Let me check outside...yah...it's summer still.
Cell phone and charger ..."you fucking idiots!!"
Kitchen utensils: Coffee cups, glasses, teapot, etc. * why???? what?
Fan * Really really bad sign. Also, really really fucked up. "You can stay here, but don't expect to be cool!!!!!!!"

All in all, I don't really know what to expect, except a bad nights sleep. But hey, that complimentary conditioner will cheer me up!

2009-07-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN MORE OF THE SAME:

I know I'm in bad shape with the whole not working thing when I start envying the workers at Target. I noticed that the garden section had moved and thought "wow, that would be so much fun! Moving purchasable items around by section! Something new every day!"

Here is how I spent my day:

10am- wake up as cat yelled at me.
10:05am- eat cereal watched 5 episodes of "Rhoda" recently added onto hulu.com. Most exciting moment? When Joe says "They are tearing Coney Island down!" "Wow,", I think "The '70's and today in NYC are so similar!"
1pm- Drag myself to get a large ice coffee. I realize it's a nice day out (cloudy and breezy!) so I decide to walk around the park.
1:10pm- 2pm- I walk around the park. I discover there is a "tree walk" with plaques. It's great, especially when the plaque on the White Oak is worn away, but even better when there is a plaque for the Japanese Zelkova but no tree. If it had been there it would have been "vase shaped". Trees are awesome. I linger on the idea of becoming a Park Ranger, but I am discouraged with the plainness of the uniform.
2pm- Watch "Rhoda" on hulu.com. I wanted "My Life on the D list", but I can't find whole episodes online.
4:00- Inexplicably make mac and cheese with arugala.
4:30- Trip to Target (cat food for the little bastard cat who won't eat anything. also, he and I now lie on the couch for the same amount of time all day...I think he might be depressed...)
5pm- Eat rest of the mac and cheese. That's right. I ate a whole box. When Justin came home I offered some to him and then ate it anyway. He ate a bowl of cereal later.
6pm- 7:30pm- "Rhoda"
8pm- 10pm- Rehearse Dorks on the Loose. I am terrified that we have two weeks. Many rewrites needed. Plus our director wants us to have costumes!! What?!
11pm- Arrive home. Conive Justin into doing my dishes. Is that how I use that word?
12am- Anticipated sleepy time.

I know some day I will look back on this time and reflect fondly on the freedom I enjoyed. Or at least those memories of Valerie Harper. Those last forever.

2009-06-18T16:24:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN A PORTRAIT OF THE UNEMPLOYED ARTIST:

I was staring at The Secrets of NIMH, which I watched before Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. As you can see, Charlie was watching as well. He liked Dragon's performance.

2009-06-16T05:38:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN FOUR A DAY:

Russia, China seek greater international clout (AP)
Ok Russia, it's great to have goals, but China? What do you want greater of? Owning all of America? Because you do already. Dial it down China. Dial it down.

Letterman Apologizes Again For 'Bad' Palin Joke (E!)
Bad in the way that it gave Sarah Palin a reason to be back in our lives? Apology NOT accepted.

Search Launched for cruise ship passenger (CNN)
They should just make that part of the selling point for cruises: Carnival Cruises! Tour the Bahamas on a big boat with no law and free booze! Search will be launched for missing passengers!

Mel Gibson: Actor, director...songwriter (Yahoo!)
Are we just listing things that suck about Mel Gibson? Because I think we missed a few.

2009-06-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN I RIP OFF A COMMERCIAL!

2009-06-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN COMMERCIALS!

2009-06-05T05:33:00.001-07:00

TODAY IN THE TODAY SHOW!

I got up early to eat cereal and watch TV and caught this awesome couple:

They are the Masche Family and those six babies are now 2 years old and guess what?? They are starting a reality show!!!!! RAISING SEXTUPLETS A WE tv Original Series Premieres Thursday, June 11 at 10pm I 9c.

And the best part is that I just watched them BOTH say:

- They had no worries about it wrecking their lives like Jon and Kate because this was a totally different situation....

Yes...I see your point. Totally different because it's EXACTLY THE SAME.

Also, they answered that the reason they want a reality show is because it was so fun.
Totally...not for the money at all. I get that.

God, It will be just a matter of time before crazy people start having multiples just to have a TV show! Oh WAIT.

I bet if someone adopted 6 babies they wouldn't give them a reality show. Which is probably a good thing.

Here is what I say: ADOPT KIDS!!!! Stop using science to get you a show!!! All of you!!!

2009-05-14T05:25:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN OH MY FUCKING GOD.

As much as I hated high school at Watertown High, It has gleamed a soft spot in my heart of late as my 10 year approaches. I feel kinder, more forgiving, less angry. All great feelings! I have even become facebook friends with some kids that I never was friends with but are truly excited to see in a few months.

And then I get a friend request from good old Watertown High Class of '99 it's self. Here is the picture:

AND ALL THE HATE COMES STREAMING BACK!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? The "Red Raider" of Watertown High?! You assholes! This was a school where the field hockey team was the winningest and yet they had to be confined to be called the "Lady Raiders" and that mother fucker was our HORRIBLE FOOTBALL TEAMS MASCOT! A RED INDIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus christ I hate that school.

2009-05-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN SECRET TALENTS:

Yesterday Delusions of Spandex had the pleasure of Ari Scott, photography genius, taking some pictures of them. In the course of the sess. I discovered that I really love, and am surprisingly good at, leaping into the air and having my picture taken. It was freakish. And awesome. If only ANTM would have competition for lifestyle modeling, I would be the winner.

Photos by Ari Scott:

2009-05-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

This can't be true. I am POSITIVE that some doctor tricked him or that it's a false positive or something in the realm of poppy seeds making it look like you are on smack. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!

UPDATE: Here is a quote from Manny I pinched from TMZ:

"Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me.

Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy, that mistake is now my responsibility. I've been advised not to say anything more for now.

I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past 5 seasons.

I want to apologize to Mr. McCourt, Mrs. McCourt, Mr. Torre, my teammates, the Dodger organization, and to the Dodger fans. L.A. is a special place to me and I know everybody is disappointed. So am I. I'm sorry about this whole situation."

I believe him. Why does MLB make it so fucking hard to enjoy baseball??

2009-05-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN MY DREAMS:

Dreaming has always been all or nothing for me. Either I pass out and suddenly it's morning, or I have 400 year long specific dreams that seem to be trying to tell me something. Or at least entertain me. Here are the last three I had- anyone got any ideas?

1) I am stuck on a snowy mountain top, trapped, with a bunch of mountain climbers after an avalanche put us in peril. I am new to the scene however, because I don't like climbing mountains, so I guess I just showed up one day like "hey guys- stuck on a mountain? Cool." We knew help was on the way but we didn't know how long we'd been up there so I pulled out my lap top and looked at the clock date. The dates spun rapidly to my horror as I finally realized 3 years had gone by and it was 2012.
MEANING: I hate winter?

2) I am in jail about to be executed for...wait for it...performing long form improv comedy. (I didn't get the deets) I talked to the two guards and convinced them that killing me over such a ridiculous crime was not all right , and got their assurance that they would help me escape. A judge shows up and tells me I am going to be executed and asks me if I want to call Justin. I struggle with the idea of calling him and wasting escape time or not calling him and running the risk of actually being executed with out telling him where I was. Apparently improv crime prosecution works fast. So I realize that the guards are going to back out so I wait for them to open the door to my cell (which is by the way, a Liberal Arts College classroom with a door out on a quad) and then I beat them over the head with an empty plastic bottle and into submission. I can't remember what happened next, but I think they let me go legally, despite the horrific violence. And I am pretty sure I was on Sarah Lawrence Campus for the whole thing. Or a combo of SLC and Walnut Hill, this acting school I got into when I was 16 but couldn't afford to attend.MEANING: Plastic bottles are bad for the environment?

3) Zombie/Vampires were loose and we were all in hiding against them. We quickly realized that the only way to kill them was to slit their throats, which is kind of a close contact sport. I found myself in a huge crowd of them and started slitting here and there. I realized that the best thing for me to do was to let them bite me, because you have a little bit of time before you turn into one, and since I was already bitten I could use that time for more throat slashing. So I let one bite me and then I quickly cut all there throats and then in a genius move, slit MY OWN THORAT which let the zombie/Vampire blood out but I guess it did it in eye sight of an EMT because they just bandaged my throat up and I was all good.
MEANING: Don't watch Law and Order before bed?

This is what I really think.
1) I am worried that time is flying and I am getting nothing done.
2) I am afraid my ambition to be a comedian is a waste of time.
3) Fighting against sharing my work with other people who don't immediately love it.

Boooring. I have too much time alone with my brain.

My new dream is to own a bowie knife like that one above. Look at that magic blade!

2009-05-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN MY CAT:

This was the first thing I saw this morning when I opened my eyes:

Obviously I have a great day in front of me.

2009-04-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN CRANK 2:

Today my friend Damian and I decided to take in the Jason Statham masterpiece Crank: High Voltage.

Here are a few words which will act as my review:

Bai Ling.
Horse racing.
Nipples (exposed AND removed.)
Being on fire.
Dwight Yokum.

It was glorious. And not recommended for humans.

Here is a helpful link to get in J. Statham shape.

2009-04-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

TODAY IN TROUBLE:

Uh oh. My cat just meowed at me and my immediate response was "I KNOW I'm not doing anything with my life!"
\

He just jumped onto the key board and made that slash.

And that's my monday!