TODAY IN ALLEGORIES:

Allegory is a form of extended metaphor, in which objects, persons, and actions in a narrative, are equated with the meanings that lie outside the narrative itself. The underlying meaning has moral, social, religious, or political significance, and characters are often personifications of abstract ideas as charity, greed, or envy. Thus an allegory is a story with two meanings, a literal meaning and a symbolic meaning.

Allegories piss me off. Because I didn't know what they were. And now I find out that a lot of things that I read are actually them (allegories) and it makes me feel stupid. But very attractive.

This post is dedicated to a special someone out there. Other wise, it is a very, very bad post.

Thanks!

TODAY IN SHOWS:


Hey loyal readers. This is a big honking weekend for comedy avec Becca and I. Please come check us out at one of these thrilling venues:

Friday March 28th (thats tonight!)
performing with the improv group Hot For Gym Teacher
at The Tank
279 Church St, at 6th Ave.
8pm
$5
Also featuring Rob Lathan, and other amazing comics!


Saturday March 29th (thats tomorrow!)
Delusions of Spandex
at the Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston @ Attorney
With:
Rachel Mason - the laughter is definitely contagious!
Jake Goldman - warning may cause fits of giggling!
Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting - will have you aching with laughter!
Luke Thayer - a chronic case of hilarity!
Abbi Crutchfield - a serious humor infection!


Sunday March 30th (thats two days away)
@ the Bacivo Nuggets show!
at RiFiFi's (332 E.11th btw 1st and 2nd, closer to 1st)
with the Straight Men
8pm
$5


Why not have a Phaea and Becca weekend?

TODAY IN ADORABLE:

I don't know if I am the proper type of wordsmythe needed to best describe what I saw today on Manhattan Ave, but I am going to give it a shot in my best Massachusetts talk to make up for my lack of eloquence:


So...yah, you fahking, you fahking, you know how like Bus's are all like, wicked big and what not? Like buses are like really big vehicles and when they are coming driving down 'da street at you, you ah all like....oh shit...that's big and all commanding and shit:
Well, I was fahking in the cross wok and I was like...looking at the bus like get passengers on it and shit, and then it pulled out back into traffic, a little bit, OK? and then there was like fahking, tiny little itty bitty honking noise and the big ass bus was like...BRAKES!!! and all stops and is all whoa!! And around from the corner comes this mothah fuckah:
All like....dinky dinky doo!! I was like...dude...that is fahking funny right there.

TODAY IN MY BRAIN IS BURNT OUT:




So all I can muster is a top 10 list of the best subject lines from my spam inbox:




10) Live in harmony with two wives
(Thanks for the advice!)

9) Increase your male machinne and you will sex hero
(Sex hero IS a verb!)

8) Your giant jang will rule the world
(What kind of leadership does it offer?)

7) Your rod is set to conquor
(All set!)

6) College girls caught romping in dorm
(Those college girls! They were suppose to be in lecture!!)

5) Topless olson twins
(uh....huh...)

4) This wonder supplement increases your length, girth , as well as ejaculate volume.
(Finally, a spammer sick to death of poor spammer grammer.)

3) Stickiest.
(That does not sound positive...)

2) Fill in your life with colors of gladness!
(And that color is meth.)

1) Do you know the difference between small instrumment and huge one
(Like a flute vs a tuba? Yah...I think I can know that.)

TODAY IN FLU ENVY:
So as we all have been observing, the flu is bad this season. It has attacked our friends and coworkers and took them down for weeks at a time, in some cases paring with sinus and ear infections to really get the job done. It's likely that you yourself suffered from the flu already this season. I have not. Does this make me happy? No, it does not. Because it means that the fucking thing might still be on its way, waiting for me to make a fatal mistake before it pounces.

But in the meantime, apparently jealous of all the people who are legitimately sick, I went ahead and ate half a container of humus last night and woke up with the most hideous stomach ache of my life.

So sick I am, but of my own doing.

This might just be the chance that flu was looking for.

Stay tuned.....

UPDATE: I think it was a 24 hour bug and not the humus....possible the flu won this time.

TODAY IN BETTER COUNTRIES:

We have suspected for many years that Japan is better then us, but today the AM New York gave us solid proof:


The government of Japan has created a special post- yes a GOVERNMENTAL POST- to promote animation. This cute little LOL cat is called Doraemon, is a robot, and is the official Japanese anime ambassador- I guess to the world? Or possible just 'toon town.

Face it America. They win.

TODAY IN MAKE-OVERS:

Yesterday I got a hair cut for the first time in two years:



Thus completing my transformation into my mother in the 70's.

Today in Teeths:

Last night I had a dream where was working as a script doctor (!) and on my way to the office bathroom four of my teeth fell out. This is a classic stress dream (apparently money oriented stress), but the best part was my dream self couldn't figure out what to do. When your teeth fall out, do you go to the emergency room? It seems like you should go to a dentist, so what...you pull out your insurance card and call to find a provider and then make an appointment? What if they were all booked up? Should I go to my PCP in Greenpoint? What if they are all booked up?

In the middle of all this dream stress the dream me had to go to the bathroom and there was a confusing moment when I had to wash my hands and my teeth were swirling around at the bottom on the sink and I was afraid fellow bathroom goers would be grossed out.

I still haven't solved the problem! What do you do if you teeth fall out????

TODAY IN SMOG:
The EPA put out a list today outlining all the counties in the US which had unbreathable air due to smog. As dramatic as this list is, I was more preoccupied with the variety of goof-tastic names that many of the state's counties were given. Phroofie's picks are below:

Best Counties (or Parishes) per state with unbreathable air:

Alabama; Shelby
What a nerd!

Arizona; Pinal.
What a gland!

Arkansas; Pulaski
I live near his bridge!

California; Shasta
Seriously?!

Colorado; Arapahoe
An garden tool turned to hip hop!

Connecticut; Fairfield
As boring as the state is.

Delaware; New Castle
What a delicious, dark, malty county!

Florida; Bay
Nice creativity, genius'.

Georgia; a tie between Bipp and Gwinnett
The lost teletubbies.

Idaho: Ada
George Washington: "So, founders of Idaho, what will you name this county?"
Founders: "Ahhhhh duuuuh.....a?"
George Washington: "Oh god, what hath I begun?"

Illinois; Lake
Ah yah, the highly touted "Illinois lake region."

Indiana; Allen
I like things just named after some dude.

Kentucky; Oldham
Gross! Don't eat it then!

Louisiana; St. John the Baptist
Like Pulaski, SJtB really has a huge range of crap named after him.

Maine; Hancock
Simple instructions to achieve male pleasure.

Maryland; Prince George's
All right Prince George! It's all yours! What a baby!

Massachusetts; Barnstable
When in doubt just put two related nouns together and form a new word.

Michigan; Schoolcraft
See? The MA technique is a real winner.

Mississippi; Jackson
Cop out.

Missouri; Saint Louis vs. St. Louis City.
Seems a tiny bit redundant.

Nevada; Clark
What a nerd!

New Hampshire; Hillsborough
aka a place with a lot of hillsLIVE FREE OR DIE!!

New Jersey; Monmouth
Anything with "mouth" is hilarious, the suggested Jamaican accent at the top is the frosting.

New York; Rensselaer
Ooh la la!

North Carolina; Wake
How very uplifting.

Ohio; Portage
The act of carrying stuff!

Oklahoma; Cherokee/Comanche
Sort of ironic...we killed them all right?

Pennsylvania; Bucks
Just say it out loud and plaid flannel shirts appear in front of your minds eye.

Rhode Island; Washington
Aw. Little RI wants a capital of the nation too!

South Carolina; Darlington
Adorable!

Tennessee; Meigs
Cousin of the world "meh".

Texas; Hood
A county that asks you to look under it, and not even in an ironic way.

Utah; Utah
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

Virginia; Prince William
See Prince George? Thats they way to have your name on something with out being all possessive!

Washington DC; Washington DC
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

West Virginia; Wood
A-derrrrr

Wisconsin; Door
Utah, utah utah. Utah.

If you state isn't listed, breathe easy.

TODAY IN DELUSIONS OF SPANDEX:

New video:



And it almost makes sense!!!!

TODAY IN ALARM CLOCKS vs GROWN-UPNESS:

I think that the fact that I use my cell phone as my alarm clock as opposed to an actual physical alarm clock is the biggest indicator that I live firmly in a world of arrested development and actively try to throw off any real grown up responsibility.



And there for it is a small failure which I love to death.

Here's to eternal childhood! And neat-o gadgets!

TODAY IN DOUCHE-BAGGERY (MINE):

I am not the most-hippest person when it comes to music, often getting into bands who are just on their way out or are meant for children and not 26 year olds. This week I hit a new low by suddenly getting into Neil Young.

I know, I know, he's classic, he's epic, he's timeless. But you try to fight the urge to say to your friends "Hey, have you heard of this great song "Alabama"?", because you know they will give you the rolly-eye routine and a swift kick to the mons. For being such a d-bag.

But seriously, how good is freakin' "The Needle And The Damage Done"?! Why didn't anyone tell me??

Neil Young, take a look at my life! I'm a lot like a douche-bag.

TODAY IN NEW EXPERIENCES:


This afternoon I took a shot of whiskey out of my coworkers flask to help me get through a difficult moment at work. I believe this marks "the end", not sure of what. Sobriety, certainly.

Also- professionalism, unless it's the kind of professionalism that hard drinking-constantly yelling newspaper editors from the 1950's seem to have had. In that case, I am right on track.

Great Caesar's ghost.

TODAY IN BELA LUGOSI:

I have recently fallen back in love with Tim Burton's Ed Wood, which is pretty much a perfect film. Here for you viewing pleasure, is Bela himself performing the greatest speech ever written in Bride of the Monster:



and here is the amazing Martin Landau performing the same (30 sec in):




Enjoy!

TODAY IN WTF!!!!!!:

I NEVER don't want to see a movie at 8pm. And there is NEVER a movie playing at 8pm!!

It's too specific to not be on purpose.

Stupid movie universe conspiracy!!

UPDATE Via IM:

phaeatown: why don't movies play when I want them to?? WHY!???

gnatshow: because you are not a christian

phaeatown: ohhhhh.

gnatshow: explains a lot right?

Yes I am having a slow day! Why do you ask?