TODAY IN ORGANS:


The two big enemies of my life are my brain and my stomach. One is always trying to convince me to think crazy things (IE- chicken with bones in it is inedible, it's all right to swear around children, I am better then everyone else because I don't run for trains) while the other is constantly tripping me up by having stabbing pains or random moments of rolling nausea based on it's mood. And some times the bastards team up and try to take me down. Last night they came pretty close. Here is how it went:



(at a bar)
BRAIN: Hey, lets drink a Guiness after work! We deserve it!

STOMACH: Ohhh man, this Guiness taste a little funky....

BRAIN: It tastes delicious! Drink another one!

STOMACH: Oh man...I feel really weird.

BRAIN: Me too...all cloudy...I know...$1 pizza!

STOMACH: That sounds really good!!

(at pizza place)

STOMACH: I want two pieces of pizza.

BRAIN: That sounds great to me! I love Pizza!

STOMACH: Ohhh this pizza makes me feel upset.

BRAIN: Shut up and eat your pizza.

STOMACH: Ohhhh I don't know if I want it anymore...

BRAIN: You paid good money for that pizza! You can't just through your money away, what with today's recession! You love pizza! Eat it all.

STOMACH: I do love pizza.

(at home)

STOMACH: Oh man, I am so upset about this pizza. I feel rotten. I want to lay down on myself and rest. Ow, it hurts so much.

BRAIN: I know! Lets get upset about our long distance relationship out of no where!

STOMACH: Oh god...stress makes me hurt so much more....oh god...

BRAIN: I am so illogically upset about things that are perfectly fine!

STOMACH: Oh god...

BRAIN: I want to cry on the phone....!

STOMACH: Oh it hurts..!!

BRAIN:...for two hours!!

STOMACH: I died.

FIN

TODAY IN CHUB:

This past weekend I was having a beer with a buddy of the male variety when he asked me to set him up with some of my hot facebook friends. Always a sucker for the match maker roll, I asked him about his type. "Skinny", he said. "Skinny?" I responded? "Yah," He continued, "No chubs."

What a catch, right ladies?

Beyond the fact that it's hilarious to disregard all other body types as attractive, beyond the fact that "skinny" does not mean "thin" or even "pretty", the fact that the person in question was not a rippling male model type man - but rather a normal dude in an over sized sweater, the worst thing about this conversation was that I was included in on it. As if the fact that I am on the thin side made me a perfect conspirator for his bizarre admission. As if I would glance around and then pull my bar stool closer and whisper "Yes friend, lets rid the world of these chubby women, mwaa ha ha ha!!".

It was like a seemingly-normal white dude suddenly saying to me "Man, how much do you hate those jews?" Worse then the actual statement is the fact that he looked at me and assumed I felt the same way. Gaaaaah.

Beyond the assumption of this narrow minded thinking, my friend assumes so many delicious things: that I was never chubby myself? Never loved a chubby girl? Didn't have any close chubby girl friends? Did not have a chubby mother? Did not have a chubby grandma? Does this mean that if one of my skinny friends gains some weight while dating him, that she must be returned to my care?

These thoughts weigh heavily on my mind, and unfortunately the extra weight from them pushes me over the skinny mark in my friends mental bathroom scale...sigh. You lose the best guy friends that way.

TODAY IN HORROR!!!:

My boyfriend spotted this headline on a sports website:

MLB Rumor Central: Giants looking at Crede

Ahhhhhhh!!!! What are they trying to decide about me?! Some one help me!

TODAY IN SCIENCE!:

Sometimes to clear my head from reading gossip and doing "work" I check out science blog, to keep abreast of very important science stuff.

Here is what I read today:

"Scientists at University College London have found the link between what we expect to see, and what our brain tells us we actually saw. The study reveals that the context surrounding what we see is all important -- sometimes overriding the evidence gathered by our eyes and even causing us to imagine things which aren't really there."

Hurrah! This proves what I have suspected for a while: my brain doesn't really acknowledge what is going on in the real world, but rather shows me what I think I will see. Oh the power. I think Ween will walk in the door and take me for a margarita! I will update you on that.

TODAY IN HOW-TO ARTICLES:

My friend Miguel sent me this amazing article:



As a professional writer of how-to's myself I was really impressed by the writers clarity....and hate.

TODAY IN AMAZING G TRAIN MOMENTS OF MY LIFE:


If you don't know the G train here is the deal:

It is short.
It comes infrequently.
If you just missed one, you are in trouble.
People run like maniacs to make it.

If you don't know about me here is the deal:

I refuse to run for trains. No matter how dire the situation is I just can't bring myself to do it. Reasons: unknown.

The story:

I walked into the G train station and saw 40 feet down the platform that a G train had just arrived and let all its passengers off. People around be began to run towards the train, not wanting to miss it. I continued to stroll towards the train, who's doors had closed once and then shot back open. Passengers swirled all around me, crushing me against the wall, and leaving me behind as they ran for the train. I just kept on walking. The G train magically remained at the station, doors open. I stepped on cool as hipster and sat down among panting people trying to catch their breathe from the 40 foot sprint. This is the kind of incident that convinces me that I am truly better then most people. Reasons: unknown.

TODAY IN THE GREATEST MOVIES:


I am not a movie critic. I am however, the worst person to see a movie with because I hate everything. And I will talk for hours about why I hated everything with phrases I picked up from my one year in film school that I don't fully understand (ie Character arc, whip pan.)

I do how ever, love horrible movies. Movies that are so bad they hurt. I guess I only accept extremes. The very best and the very worst. Everything else can go die.

My previous favorite horrible movie was "Next" which stars Nicholas Cage's melting swollen face, some French terrorists, Jessica Alba HAVING SEX WITH NICHOLAS CAGE'S MELTING SWOLLEN FACE/BODY, and seeing a into the future. (I saw it on a bus).

But on my last day in LA visiting the gorgeous Justin Shatraw (www.trawtopia.com), my plane became delayed and I spent the afternoon instead watching the greatest movie I have ever seen: "Crank". Here is the plot: Jason Statham is a hit man who is poisoned and has to keep his adrenaline up or he dies.




I want you to sit back and look at that sentence for a minute. Really mull it over in your mind. Then consider this:

- Jason Statham is terrifying.
- JS has sex with Amy Smart on a mail box in Chinatown after he tries to force himself on her, but its ok because she eventually likes it.
- JS rides a car up an escalator.
- JS has a gay best friend.
- JS's doctor is Dwight Yokum
- JS falls from a helicopter for long enough of a time to make a long phone call
- Google maps are HEAVILY featured through out. HEAVILY. And on screen copy written.

This list does not begin to describe the love I have for this movie. It does not go into the breathing buildings, the computer graphics, and the phrases that are randomly lower-thirder, such as "this is some plant shit".

Netflix this movie. And then call me.

TODAY IN SHOCKING VIDEO:




Delusions of Spandex has a drug problem.

TODAY IN GAMBINO FAMILY NICKNAMES:



62 members of the Gambino Family were arrested this week and the NY paper coverage has been splendid. AM NY wins the prize for the most unintentionally hilarious "explanation" of some gangster nick names:

"Many of the alleged mobsters in Thursday’s 80-count indictment have taken part in the long-standing mob tradition of bestowing nicknames on its members. A sampling of recent and past nicknames:

■Joseph “Joey the Clown” Lombardo: Alifelong gangster most recently arrested in 2006, he earned his name by making cheesy jokes and trying to evade reporters by hiding his face behind a newspaper.

Ah, the classic clown move of newspaper hiding- a tradition based in Comedia Del' art, of course.

■Anthony“Fat Tony”Salerno: The late boss of the Genovese crime family,he was famously rotund.

Thanks Am NY! That clears that long- confusing nick name up for us!

■Salvatore “Good-looking Sal” Vitale: A Bonanno crime boss who turned federal witness, some say his nickname came about as a joke,since he is not a handsome man.

The key word in this sentence that I love is "some say". Ha ha ha! Am Ny has "people on the street" working "undercover" to solve these "mysteries".

■Thomas “Tommy Sneakers” Cacciopoli: Among those named in Thursday’s indictment,he was a boss in the New Jersey section of the Gambino family. Cacciopoli is said to have a profound love of sneakers.

I'm sorry, a PROFOUND love for sneakers? That's a mental disorder. The poor guy just probably wore sneakers a lot and now AM has made him into an OCD type who got dropped on his head a lot.

■John “Jackie the Nose” D’Amico: Also named in Thursday’s indictment,he was said to be one of John Gotti’s most trusted lieutenants,and owner of a somewhat prominent nose. "

....and not, as we suspected originally, a possessor of amazing truffle hunting skills!


Shockingly, they forget to mention all these fabulous nick-named wise guys:

Joey "Wii-playing" Ciccerelli: Insiders say he was insane for Wii bowling, and racketeering.
Antonio "two feet" Roccoco: Ran a gambling ring in Harlem, rumored to have had two feet.
Vincenzo "not a gangster" Rosselli: Right hand man to Bonanno family capos. Word on the street is that his nickname was some what "ironic".

TODAY IN NEW FAVORITE WORDS:


Toast.

Its the greatest word in the English Language. I realized this whilst making some for breakfast the other day. Think about it, all "toast"'s meanings are delicious and delectable.

Toast, the food: crispy warm bread that you can put butter or jam on! Amazing!
Toasty, the adjective: a word that recalls cuddling under afghans (blankets), or sitting by a fire with a lovely cup of something! Scruptious!
Toast, the verb: a) to offer praise to someone or something with a glass of something delicious! Even sarcastic and evil toasts are fun. (When I toast, I always say "To new beginnings...."in a voice laced with maleficence. I think I picked that up from "Clue" but I am not sure.) Favorable!
b) to make something crispy and warm, as in , actual toast! Remarkable!
Toasted, another adjective: To be smashed drunk off of glasses of something delicious!

The only off-putting version would be:

to be toast, slang: meaning that you are done, out, beaten, defeated, a failure etc. But is such a cute phrase, I can't hold anything against it.

TODAY IN ON THE NEWS:


I love being interviewed on the news!!

Here is a great clip from when Faya Crede and "Becca Jones" were interviewed on some local channel..about 1:30 in!


Click and enjoy!!!

TODAY IN CONFRONTATIONS:


I often feel like I am faced with this choice: Saying something to a person about how I honestly feel (usually not positive) OR letting it go and in essence feeling like I am being walked all over.

OMG! They both suck!

If you tell people what you think they get really mad at your and go for your throat!!

If you don't tell people what you think you feel like a choad!!!

The answer: I am moving deeper into my own little world where there are ponies and rainbows and Frank Zappa opens for Monty Python every night! Hurray!!!!!