TODAY IN A PIT SHOW, TOMORROW:


Delusions of Spandex has a show tomorrow with The Straight Men!

Here is the dealy:
Thursday Jan 31st @ 8pm
The PIT
154 W 29th St.
$5

I know what you are thinking...FIVE DOLLARS!! Oh noes!!!! But not to worry, we will make it worth your while with :

Three DOS sketches, perfected!
Three Straight Men sketches, delightful!
AND a possible musical guest!

AND to sweeten the pot: if you are a performer we promise to drop everything to come to an important show of your choice in the future
OR two (2) PBR's at the Blue and Gold bar in the East Villiage!

What a bargain. And yes, I am absolutely serious.

TODAY IN THE NEWS OF THE DAY'S NEWS:


1) The Mets beat the Red Sox and signed the elusive pitcher Johan Santana. That's funny, don't the Mets usually just take the Red Sox old, worn out pitchers when we're done with them? I guess Santana likes just pitching to pitch, and doesn't actually care about WINNING GAMES!!! (Sorry Shatraw)

2) Saw the crazy puppy-freezer lady again on the train. I feel like she is going to come up behind me and shank me. Why? Just a feeling.

3) I GOT ON A MAUDE TEAM AT THE UCB!! Maude teams are the house sketch teams for the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre. Every month we will preform a brand new sketch show, and I will be one of the actors. Needless to say this is probably one of the cooler things I've managed to pull off in my comedy career! So I am pleased.

TODAY IN FOOD DRAMA:



My oft forgotten quest for the perfect slider took my associate Becca and myself to a small joint 'round the corner from FAO Schwartz called "Pop Burgers." There are two things about this place that makes it one of my favorite slider places ever: 1) there is a secret and super expensive bar upstairs call "Pop Lounge" and 2) You can buy two sliders for $5 and take them in a neat box as you walk to the train.

Pop appears to be really really new, and thus really really badly run, which makes you, the customer, feel extremely efficient in retrospect. For example, there were a staff of six running around behind the counter in panic and only two costumers, there is a burger on the menu called "the invisible burger" with no explanation ($7), and when B and I ordered a pair of sliders and one veggie burger, the girl decided to order 4 sliders for us instead. If I wasn't such a math genius and caught the mistake after we paid (two orders of sliders = $10, one order of sliders + veggie burger = $12) we would have been knee deep in sliders that only one us could enjoy (me).

Regardless of our rocky experience, the sliders were great. Good bun, MR, melted cheese, Russian dressing(!) and a single slice of plum tomato atop. A+ Pop.

(Pop Burger is on 58th between 5th and Madison.)

Also, here is a picture of Becca and I on our first day at work together:



Steller.

TODAY IN THE BEST DEAR MARGOT EVER:


There was something about this letter that just makes me feel so much better about myself:

"
Computer Nerds Are People, Too!

DEAR MARGO: I know plenty of men who are great guys with excellent jobs, who nonetheless have a hard time meeting women. Why? Most women pass by us computer nerds not realizing: We are educated; we have money; we are attentive and fun.

I have a friend, "Dave," who yearns for a girlfriend but cannot get a date to save his life. Dave's biggest complaint is that once women find out what he does, they tend to lose interest (Dave works tech support). And there are others I know in the same boat. Now, these guys are not Brad Pitts, but they are pretty average in my eyes. I am married -- but my wife is also in IT. I think women who want to find a great guy need to overlook some geekiness and see us techies for who we are. Yes, we enjoy "Star Trek" and watch anime, but we also enjoy stimulating conversation and appreciate smart, fun women.

Women looking for good guys need to go to a "Star Trek" or comic convention because there are plenty of single men with great jobs who are just aching to meet a nice woman.

Just my two cents' worth.

--- LUCKY GEEK

DEAR LUCK: I'm running your letter as a public service for women who are looking. I am not sure, however, that I buy your argument that a man's profession can put the kibosh on his romantic chances. Funeral directors, for example, don't seem to have trouble getting women to say yes. (Don't ask me how I know this.) My instinct is that it's the guy, not the job. But tell Dave I'm rooting for him and hoping the geek shall inherit the earth.

--- MARGO, ELECTRONICALLY"


Hahah! Nerds think that money will get them a girlfriend. Hahahah! "Aching" to meet a nice woman! Hahahah!!! Tech support guys! Hahahah!!!!!

TODAY IN FREE BONUS':

"Study: The Pill protects against cancer

By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer Fri Jan 25, 7:38 AM ET

LONDON - Women on the birth control pill are protected from ovarian cancer, even decades after they stop taking it, scientists said. British researchers found that women taking the pill for 15 years halved their chances of developing ovarian cancer, and that the risk remained low more than 30 years later, though protection weakened over time. The findings were published Friday in The Lancet. "

Woo hoo!! That's better then free tacos!!!

TODAY IN MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS:



I have seen this woman on my train about three times. She is late 50's, black Sally Bowles hair, black eye makeup, flapper hat, vintage clothes. The kind of person that looks the way New York in the 70's probably looked. The first time I saw her I was in the cross fire of a convo between her and a 60 year old Jamaican man who used to sell live ducks in the village. (oh yah) At that time she had her dog in a baby carriage and was taking it back for surgery after it had given birth.

I saw her a few more times before today when I heard her voice ringing from the e train.

"I'm sorry! I thought you were someone else..." she was saying to an older Asian woman. "I wanted to tell her my puppy died." They she sniffled and a wiped away a few tears.

How horrible is that? I mean this woman was clearly on the crazy side of the world (eclectic if you are from New York), in the whole - talking to bizarre people she knows on the train constantly way, and from that I had picked up the whole dog drama from beginning to end. I wanted to say something. I wanted to...tell her I could understand...

Phaea (touching Woman's shoulder): Hey, I'm sorry your dog died.
Woman (crying): It was my puppy. It was two weeks old. I woke up and it was dead. I STILL HAVE IT IN MY FREEZER I JUST CAN'T GET RID OF IT.

(Woman exits the train. Phaea is staring in shock, mouth agape.)

Hey- I deserved it. Never talk to strangers.

TODAY IN I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD IT IN HIM:

Jerry O'Connell spoofing Tom Cruise's video! Its brilliant!!



And its directed by Jerry Minor!! I am assuming it is the same Jerry Minor I used to see at the UCB.

Keep up the good work!

TODAY IN MY NEW FAVORITE NOUN:
(especially because last night I thought I invented it)

GLORY HOLE!!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Glory hole may refer to:

* Glory hole (mining), a type of mine
* Glory hole (petroleum production), an excavation to protect underwater wellheads from icebergs
* Glory hole (sexual), a hole in a wall used for sexual purposes
* "Glory Hole", a song by French singer Benjamin Biolay from his 2003 album Négatif
* A trench in trench warfare
* A colloquial term for any small room or cupboard, usually containing odds and ends
* A glassblowing term for an opening in a furnace, or a stand alone furnace, which is used to reheat the molten glass as it is formed
* Spillway in which a cement funnel is used to drain excess water over a certain level from a reservoir, usually behind a dam
* A small compartment fore or aft of the main engine room in a ship, usually contains access to steering or output shaft gear.
* A fictional Theme park in the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas that is often advertised on the radio. The name is taken from the sexual meaning of "glory hole."

What a noun!!

Also, today in my least favorite fruit in a granola and fruit bowl:

Pineapple. Brrrrr.

TODAY IN ANOTHER REASON I LOVE MY BRAIN:



This morning I woke with my alarm at 730. I pressed the lovely snooze button and proceeded to fall into a deep sleep and have an intensely detailed dream about my huge room and how this kid from college lived in the corner and I had all these unused peices of furniture and looking around for something to make into a desk and then my college friend poured us some seltzer water and I watched black workmen guys in winter jackets come in and do something to my window and nod at me and walk out, for about half an hour until I was awakened by my alarm 5 MINUTES LATER!

This dream was at least half an hour long!! I love magic dream brain!!!!

TODAY IN THE BEST POINT I EVER MADE ABOUT STRIP CLUBS:

Here is me and a friend discussing strip clubs. He is talking about the times he went:

NYCFRIEND: let's just say those were some of my more vulnerable moments of my life
NYCFRIEND: when my confidence is high, strip clubs are not involved
phaeatown: see , girls have no option like that.
phaeatown: nothing
NYCFRIEND: never thought about that
phaeatown: when we have low self esteem we just cut ourselves


Hahah!! It's so funny, cause it's true!

TODAY IN WEBCAMS:

Here is a swell webcam of my buddy Stacey. Nice angle Stace!

TODAY IN MONA LISA REVEALED!!!



Researchers have identified the model for world's most surprisingly tiny painting when you finally see it as "Lisa del Giocondo, wife of Florentine businessman Francesco del Giocondo" (yahoo news).

I feel better don't you?

Apparently they found some notes in the margins of one of Leonardo's friends that identified Lisa.

That's great evidence!

Also, in Italy the Mona Lisa is called "La Giocondo".

uh....and it took us 600 years to put that together?? I think those art researchers are taking a lot of vino heavy lunches.

TODAY IN WE HAVE OFFICE WEBCAMS:

When you give bored egotistical (albeit super attractive) nerds technology at work this is what happens:





How about YOU readers? Do YOU have any cheesy office webcam pics? If so send them to ME at phaeacrede@gmail.com and I will post em'!

TODAY IN ELEVATOR JERKS:



I don't know what it is about the elevator that makes certain people (mens) act like assholes but it seems to be a theme this week. Today I was in the 'vator with four ladies who one by one had held the door for each other, and then finally for this ugly guy in a suit who proceeded to stand in the door way, talk on his phone, and huff loudly every time we stopped on another floor. When it was finally just him and me (I am on the 16th, he the PH) he said to his phone buddy "I'm in the finally third of my commute! The Elevator! Cause it takes me another 10 min just to get up to the floor!! (imagine that in a shwarmy voice). I, being an asshole, laughed at him out loud for saying such a idiotic thing AND THE FUCKER THOUGHT I WAS LAUGHING WITH HIM!!! HE REPEATED THE JOKE FOR MY BENEFIT! "The last third of my commute! huh huh huh!" leaving me sad and disgruntled once more.

TODAY IN THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ:

from life & style weekly

"Fight over Suri: Who’s the daddy?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are no strangers to ugly rumors, but now they’re facing perhaps the most hurtful one of all. A new book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, by Andrew Morton, claims, according to reports, that a fanatical sect of Scientology believes the couple’s daughter, Suri, was conceived with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of Scientology. Both the Church of Scientology and Cruise’s rep says the book is full of lies.

Read more Andrew Morton’s shocking new book in the new issue of Life & Style—on newsstands now!"

Yes!!! Do it!!!!!!!!!!

TODAY IN BEING NICE:

As the elevator door was closing today this business douche called out from 20 feet away "hold the elevator" and I immediately scrambled to hit the right button in a panic. Once he stepped on the elevator I fucking hated him for 14 floors.

This made me realize that most of the time I only do nice things because I don't want to be an asshole, rather then to just do a nice thing. Disturbing, but true.

Anyone else?

TODAY IN CLINTON vs. OBAMA:

The Hillary vs. Barack thing is really reminding me of a history lesson from high school: During the suffrage movement at the early part of this century American women and African-Americans (men and women, obviously) were working side by side to obtain voting rights for all. And then the government granted voting rights ONLY to black men. I remember reading some rather scathing essays from female suffragists enraged from this decision. But this is the way the country will go. Men will always get the upper hand in these elections, no matter how racist the stupid voter is, they will vote for a man over a woman.

It's frustrating because I don't really love any of the candidates. I think that Hillary is the best suited for it, even though she has major problems. But so did Clinton 1 when we elected him and he turned out OK. Obama seems really cool, but just isn't that experienced. Ahhh. This is turning into a boring diatribe.

Thoughts?

TODAY IN THE CONTINUING SAGA OF JONATHAN MORSE (REMOTELY):



Here is the latest by JBMorse:

What the hell is going on around here I thought to myself. I've never seen so many half eaten bananas in all my life. In all actuality I think it must be pretty rare to see a half eaten banana. I guess that's what made it such a strange occurrence. I couldn't get the man at the counter to stop staring at me. I suppose he noticed how stunned I was when I walked through the door. He was like a piece of art the way his eyes followed me from one end of the market to the next. After it was obvious enough to the both of us that we were going to interact at some point I made my move. As I walked up to the counter his eyes didn't shift their fix on mine until I got within whisper range. I said to him "Hey Pops, what's with the half eaten bananas?". He looked up at me and said "You tell me how to get the whole thing up your ass without it breaking in two.". As the words he said began to process through my mind I could only think how unappealing the situation had just become.


Right on JMorse. Right on.

TODAY IN THE BEST OFFICE ENCOUNTER EVER:

I just got busted stealing coffee from the other offices' coffee pot while my office door was wide open and the Scissor Sister's song Tits on the Radio was blasting. I pulled a deer in the head lights and consequences: zero.

Fab!

TODAY IN EX-BOYFRIENDS (I has them):


This past weekend I had two ex-boyfriends both called "Steve" (name has been changed to protect me from getting beaten up) call me with in ten minutes and both ask me to meet them at the exact same coffee shop to "catch up".

Later that weekend another "Steve" from college randomly showed up at an event I was attending through facebook. This "Steve" and I had a very embarrassing encounter in college that went this way:

"Steve" and I had become friends. My friend Hannah (real name) told me that "Steve" was gay, which was great for me because I was not interested in "Steve". "Steve" invites me to his dorm room to watch Les Diaboliques. I arrive, we start the movie, "Steve" tries to kiss me. I say, no thanks "Steve", and despite the fact that I should have left right away to avoid more confusion , I stayed and forced "Steve" to actually watch Les Diaboliques, because I really wanted to see it. Needless to say we avoided each other for the next three years.

It was a weird weekend. "Steve"- wise.

TODAY IN POLITICS:

With my friends all around me making witty repartee and offering intelligent opinions of all the candidates for president thus far I am finding my self facing some sad facts: My brain does not comprehend politics. I don't know how to read about it, I don't know what to watch on TV about it, and I really don't understand what a caucus is or why Iowa gets to decide something. My political opinions of each candidate are as follows:

Clinton: Don't like her because of that thing in Sicko where it said she took money from the bad insurance people.
Obama: Don't trust him because he looks like bat boy.
Edwards: Like him, but can't stop thinking about his poor wife! Why aren't you home with her?

Giuliani: He killed all the homeless people.
Huckabee: Really? Huckabee???? Nice "name". Also, his family is weird looking.
McCain: I think I like him because I thought my parents did. Mom says she kind of does, Dad denies every saying that, but I swear he at least thought McCain's wife was cool.
Romney: I definitely know my parents don't like him because when he was the...uh...govenor? or Massachusetts they were unhappy and I know he really fucked up the Health Insurance situation there because now everyone has to have it or else they get fined...but I only know that because my Mom told me.

If there was an awesome blog TMZ style featuring the candidates I sadly admit I would be really into it. That's my brain. And I love it.

TODAY IN BACK!!!!!!!!!!

I am back. And it is really hard. I spent New Years in the mountains in the Berkshires and it was amazing. New York is cold and I have to go to work here. So I am really not too happy.

BUT here is a show that we have!!!

"The John Wilkes Kissing Booth"

The Straightmen join forces with the female sketch duo of Delusions of Spandex to present this sketch show of historical proportions!



Sat, Jan 5th
11pm
@ the PIT
154 w 29th St
$8

Bam!