TODAY IN CHRISTMAS:


Ah Christmas. The time of year that I lug a huge bag onto the train and smack everyone I can with it whilst standing in everyone Else's way. Ah Christmas. The only time I would ever come close to actually smacking a tourist just because of their stupid faces. Ah Christmas. I hope to eat enough cookies when I get home to Boston as to go into a sugar induced coma for the rest of the year becoming conscious long enough to catch an episode of Ghosthunters before slipping away again into dream land.

Here is a joke my brain wrote in my sleep this morning:

"Lies: a wish your heart makes, when your fast-back peddling."

I thought that was pretty good, old brain. Pretty, pretty good.

See you all in a week or so!

Here is my favorite Tim and Eric:



Merry Christmas.

TODAY IN CRUSHING LONELINESS/BRAIN ISSUES:

As some of you know I work in a small TV production company doing something. The show we have been producing (Pressure Cook!) has finally wrapped and the final episodes were delivered this week. This means that all the AP's, production coordinators, editors, and producers are no longer at the office. Which consequently means I am the only one left.

It is really weird to be all alone in an office. There is no one to joke around with, no one to get on my nerves, no one to get coffee with. There is no one to hate behind their backs, no one to text message insults across the room, and no one to tell me I am super hot/an asshole, as all my co-workers have had want to do at some points.

It's also really really tiring. I have never been more exhausted from a work day then I have this week. Its because all the thoughts in my brain, which usually come spilling out in random and oft amusing if not inappropriate ways, are just stuck in there, flying around and around and then burying themselves into my subconscious. The old brain can only take so much.

When I do finally get to talk to some one it usually comes out incorrectly/like an insane person. Today as I dropped off some Christmas presents to our network I ran into one of the big-shot producers who I constantly send things to , but have never seen. She has the same name as a different woman I used to work with and for a long time I had thought they were the same person. I had even sent an email to her that said "Hey S----------, my name is Phaea Crede. I think we worked together on B-----------!", and never got a response. Later I found out that this S-------- was not the S---------- I had worked with and got sort of embarrassed. But nothing to could beat my embarrassment as today when I finally met S--------- face to face:

S--------: Oh Phaea, hi! I think we've exchanged some emails.
Phaea: Oh yah. I used...to think you were another person. But then I found out you weren't.
(Cut to S-------- staring in confusion and horror.)
Phaea: (con't) That came out...wrong I meant that....(At this point my brain shut down to prevent me from remembering the incident and I honestly have no memory of what I said to S-------)
(S-------- leaves very quickly.)
Phaea: (to the receptionist sitting at her right) I've been walking around Soho all day.

Fin.

If you take a look at that last line you will realize that it in no way explains anything at all, and is perhaps the best part of the conversation in that it proves that I was beginning to just say things for the fun of it.

Good god. I need a semi-friendly co-worker! Where's Jonathan Morse at!??

TODAY IN ERIN CARLSON:

Hey Erin! I saw that you left a comment about me not calling you when I was in Chicago! You may not know this about me, but I am not that bright and have lost all you information. If you could give it to me again that would be great!!!

THANKS!

phaeatown@yahoo.com

TODAY IN GMAIL:



Here are two things that I hate about myself:

1) The fact that we only have one cake of soap in my apartment's bathroom which means I have to keep moving it from the lip of the tub to the soap container on the sink depending on what I need to wash, makes me insanely furious. Its like the worst part of my life and I keep thinking about it and getting angry.

2) I know I should switch to gmail because its sooo amazing, but I am scared to do it. I don't really know where the fear comes from...whether a real premonition of danger or just fear of change/success/failure....a loss of identity...will people still love me if I am phaeatown@gmail.com? Just looking at that address spelled out fills me with horror. I am recoiling from my computer. And dry heaving.

I think I need a hobby or a boyfriend.

Hmmm! That made me dry heave too!

TODAY IN CHICAGO- DAYS FOUR AND FIVE:
aka yes she's still talking about this

It was a cold and grey Monday morning and we all woke up with visions of beef sandwiches in our head from Johnny's- a much loved beef stand of Megan's. We began preparing for our day when all of a sudden Megan got a phone call from her Moms. Tim and I watched as the conversation became tense and prepared our selves for the bad news we were sure was to come. And here it is...was...is? Anyway:

There was a horrible ice storm coming that night which would continue into the next morning (AKA when we were preparing to drive home.)with 100 percent chance of ice chips and the "weather authorities" were strongly suggesting no one drive.

Bugger.

So we reacted like responsible adults and decided to 1) Get beef sandwiches 2) Finally throw out the box of frozen donuts from the car and 3) leave a day early.

Because of the lateness of our departure we ran in to trouble/exhaustion around 9pm in Pennsylvania, IE the very tip of it. We knew we weren't going to make it all night and so we decided to spend the night at a cheap motel ($60!), maybe catch some bed bugs, and then enjoy our last day of vacation in beautiful Kutztown, PA:



Ah, Kutztown. Here is Megan enjoying a bustling main street:



Here is Tim in front of his favorite diner ever, Letterman's. In Kutztown.



and here is the omelet that Tim ordered at Letterman's diner. It was so grand it almost deserves a blog on its own.



Then we drove home. And I have been depressed ever since.

Happy Holidays!!!

TODAY IN JONATHAN MORSE (REMOTELY):

Here is the beginning of a short story written by my absent friend, J. Morse:


"It seems like I can’t get five minutes into fucking my cat before something interrupts me. Usually its my cell phone which just blows my concentration. This time it was the doorbell. I tossed the cat aside and it didn’t even bother to get up. By now it knew I would be back, and after 3 months the fat tabby may have come to like it. I threw the closest pair of pants I could find on and grabbed the lint roller. I managed to get myself together before I opened the door enough to see that it was Ted Johnson from the Ol’ Class of 94. “Ted!” I exclaimed with a burst of enthusiasm I hadn’t felt in years. “Hey there Charlie you old cat fucker!” he shouted. Drat – he must have seen me through the window."

Three cheers J. Morse.

TODAY IN CHICAGO- DAY THREE

For some reason the only picture we took on the third day was this one:



Which Tim assured me I would "laugh about" someday. Ha.

Here is long and short of the sunday: We were hung over! Megan went off to a jewel show with her mom and the only thing Tim and I managed to do was get lost for 45 min 'round Chicago's lovely streets looking for Second City.

We made it to the last half hour of the Second City Musical Improv Jam (for free!) and saw our buddy Trish kick some improv ass.

We wanted to try and make it to a Black Hawks game, but a long dinner or fried mushrooms, french fried shrimp, and deep dish pizza at Giordano's



we missed "puck off" or whatever and headed instead to the Annoyance Theatre to catch the 8pm Lil' Talent Show, which was creative if not consistant and included only the second and third attractive people we had seen in Chicago. Sorry midwest...its true.

Then a tip from Jerry sent us back to the io for a cheap improv jam at 1030pm. We saw three groups - the best being 3033 which included none other then Rush Chairman and big face (Andy St. Clair?) from Second City.
see- Rush Chairman on left, Andy center. Also - I did not take this picture, I stoled it.

It was some of the best I have ever seen. They were followed by Ghettoblaster, who were good as well, but had the added weirdness of doing a Boys 2 Men heavy set. This was bizarre because Boys 2 Men had been a big topic for the past fews days ranging from the time they sang at the World Series to what emotions came up for Tim and Megan when they heard "End of the Road".



At this point I was falling asleep in my beer and I begged Megan and Tim to let me go home. They agreed, but decided to get some beers and continue the party in our hotel room.

That picture of me with the towel was the last moment before I slipped into sleep to the sound of Tim and Megan "partying" (ie Megan falling asleep and Tim watching something on his computer)....with beer!!!

To be contiuned...

TODAY IN DELUSIONS OF SPANDEX- LIP SYNCH TEST:
14 of the funniest seconds you will ever see.

TODAY IN DELUSIONS OF SPANDEX:
Becca and I try to get in on that whole "lip syncing" craze we've heard so much about.

TODAY IN CHICAGO- DAY TWO:

We woke up early and headed into the city. It was a perfect Chicago day. Cold and cloudy! We started to see the city in the distance and got all excited.



The city is really amazing. The river and the lake are on either side of you and the high way snakes around the gorgeous parks down town. Tim and I were in awe, AND as we finally entered down town Megan got a phone call that she had sold a painting in Miami and was being commissioned to do a show in Vegas! Good news!

We went to breakfast at Blackie's, a bar/restaurant that Megan used to eat at every week after church. Tim was excited because there was a smoking section. In fact, his head nearly exploded.



Then we check in to the hotel in the south loop. Here was our view:



But then we walked outside and past Grant Park:



and down to Millennium Park by "The Gateway to the Clouds" ie the Bean.



Nothing less then fucking gorgeous.



Then we wandered up through the shopping district and stumbled upon a German themed Christmas fair in a small square with a Picasso sculpture of something (we assume a vagina.)



As we wandered Tim spotted a sign which read : NO ALCOHOL PAST THIS POINT. Which, of course, means that there was alcohol to be had. A kind Chicagoan pointed us towards the beer/spiced-wine-in-a-novelty-boot-stand and we indulged in a good old German/Chicago tradition of drinking in the middle of the day.



After a bit more mucking about around the city and in our hotel room. (Discovery Channel was involved) we headed off on the Red line to Wrigleyville to get dinner and see a show at The Improv Olympics. We passed Wrigley field on the way. It looked scary, but it was still cool.



After dinner and a few beers at Goose Island (a bar named after a REAL ISLAND)...





...we headed to Improv Olympics to see the improv show "Whirled News Tonight", which was great, had a cast member who looks just like Martin Mull, and was besieged on all sides by 40 drunken slutty dentists and dental hygienists from Indiana (Damn you Indiana!) who talked all through the show, walked across the stage, and showed us lots of side boob.

Then we jumped in a cab and went to Second City, the most famous comedy club in the world! Maybe. It was 11pm at this point and we were still going strong.





Tim and I drank Fat Tire 22 ounce beers. Tim had four, I had two. By the end of the show, "Pratfall of Civilization" staring a bunch of people but especially (a man who looked like) the Rush Chairman from Animal House and a dude with a big face (Andy St. Clair), we were drunk. But not drunk enough to not enjoy meeting our improv hero, Jon Lutz:



...who comes from New York and knew Megan's friend Jerry who had joined us half way through the show. Lutz had hit the Second City e.t.c stage at 1am for a free improv jam with the cast of the previous show. Good lord it was good.

So then, after sort of embarrassing ourselves (I attempted a not super good stalker joke and Jon Lutz scurried off) we went to this bar:



...I think called the Ale House. Got a little drunker....



...and headed back to the hotel room around 330am.

Tomorrow....the world....!

To be continued.....

TODAY IN THANK YOU DEFAMER.COM:

A big thanks to defamer for linking this blog to their piece on the live 30 Rock show!

Mad love!

so famous! I am!

TODAY IN CHICAGO-DAY ONE:

As many of you may know/are already bored with, I just came back from a splendid trip to Chicago. Tim, Megan and I drove there. Yes, drove. Here is a run down of the first day.

Megan and I met Tim in Hoboken at 7am. He had a box of Joe and a box of donuts, which are the two best kinds of boxes. We drove towards Pennsylvania.



We were happy. In music world: Tim likes to listen to Phish a lot, I like the Scissor Sisters, and Megan loves Coheed and Cambria. Things might have become tense, but we stopped for some burgers in Pennsylvania and everything was OK.



In Clintonville, PA we suddenly came to stand still behind a bunch of trucks. It later became clear that all of 80 had been shut down and we were all being hustled off an exit down a dirt road. We still don't know what happened but we didn't move for an hour and a half and we learned to hate truckers because even if there is a ton of space in front of them on a backed up high way they don't move up because they try to "corral" the cars behind them. Reasons: unknown.

This is NOT a picture of the traffic, as there are incoming trucks clearly visible, but it basically looked like this for 90 minutes:



The best thing that came out of this adventure was the brilliant idea to assign each other nick names based on a confusing exit signs. They are:

Tim = Tangerine Wesley
Phaea = Olive Harvey
Megan = Booth Tarkington

Finally we reached Ohio, which is not as great as it sounds, despite seeing a sign for a road called "Fangboner". We heard that the trucks stops in Indiana (the last state before glorious Illinois) were horrible and so we stopped for dinner at the last place in Ohio, which had needle deposits in the bath room and offered us raw carrots and frozen pizza with turd sausage on it.



Pretty soon we crossed in to Indiana, which is not a good state, espcially for dentist (will explain later). The sun had set and we had been in the car for 12 hours. I loved it, but then again, I don't drive. I stare out the window and think about making out with people.



Two hours later (1030pm) we arrived in Megan's part of Chicago. A East side neighborhood called Beverly. We hung out with her family (who didn't know she was coming!) and had some wine. Then we passed out, prepared to hit the city hard in the morning.

...to be continued!

TODAY IN HEADLINES:

Jury selected in `Sopranos' plot dispute
We can sue show creators for bad TV?! Because I still have a bone to pick with "Grace Under Fire."

Charges against Shia LaBeouf are dropped.
Walgreen's took pity on him after finding out the title of the new Indian Jones movie would be: The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Yarg.


LONDON (Reuters) - Turning off a sex "switch" triggered when female insects mate may be a smart and green way of controlling pests in future.
In a heated debate over this controversy Dr, Henry Wu asks chaotician Dr. Ian Malcolm "You're implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will... breed?" Argues Malcolm,"No, I'm simply saying that life, uh... finds a way." He later adds. "Now eventually you might have dinosaurs on your, on your dinosaur tour, right? Hello? yes?" and gets Dr. Hammond really pissy.

Romney: Attacks on religion go too far.
For once I agree! Lets get off the man's religion, and concentrate on the real issue: his evil.

TODAY IN CHICAGO:



Jon Lutz. Oh, fuck yah.

TODAY IN BABOONS:




At work today Nick the editor asked me to record the voice of a woman being lightly attacked by a baboon. It will run on MOJOHD in late Dec. Here are some of the things I improvised:



AhhhhAhhhhhhhhhh.

Ohmygod. Ohmygod.

Ahhhh...Bad baboon....bad baboon.

Thats one for my resume.

TODAY IN DONUTS AND AIM:


phaeatown: I am going to eat a week old donut that DOES NOT belong to me.
DrZaius234: phaea. don't do it.
phaeatown: i am!!!
DrZaius234: phaea.
DrZaius234: don't
phaeatown: i took a bite.
phaeatown: its not great.
DrZaius234: please
DrZaius234: stop
phaeatown: it was in the fridge so it might not be poison.
DrZaius234: it will hurt you
phaeatown: it feels weird. the second bite was better...

phaeatown: i don't even want to tell you how badly this is going.
phaeatown: there is donut everywhere.
DrZaius234: i have a pretty good idea.
DrZaius234: it can't end well.
phaeatown: its not going to. it was a powdered cinnamon donut but a week in the fridge made the cinnamon like a shield and its breaking off in chunks in my keyboard.
DrZaius234: i tried helping you
phaeatown: oh god.
DrZaius234: i warned ya
phaeatown: its not getting better even though the donut is decreasing in size.
DrZaius234: you're still eating it, huh?
phaeatown: yes.
phaeatown: it has apple in it.
phaeatown: cold cold apple.
DrZaius234: i'm not sure you'll make it out of this one alive. it's been reallygreat being friends with you.
phaeatown: ok the donut is gone. We should wait a minute and see what happens.
DrZaius234: i'm too afraid. i can't bear it.
DrZaius234: bare it?
DrZaius234: hmmm...
phaeatown: hmmmm....
phaeatown: I like bear. Also- still alive. Donut accomplished.
DrZaius234: it could be a sleeper cell donut. it might commit acts of terrorism in your intestines
phaeatown: Oh shit.
phaeatown: I didn't think of that

TODAY IN WHATEVER COMES TO MIND:

I have no real plan so I am just going to think FREELY and type what my brains comes up with.

I am obsessed with this sketch I saw on Saturday night at the DOS show that was just dancing hysterically to a bebopp song. I feel like this sketch is a person and I love that person and I know that I can never have that person. It hurts.

I have been an asshole all day in terms of letting people get off and on the train, cutting people off while walking and blantently not holding the elevator for people.

Last night I wanted to write something but I played Mario 3 with my roommate Dolan instead.

I tried to wake up at 740 but because I woke up with my foot burning on the heater at the end of my bed (which has been spitting out water all over my room) i felt bad for myself and let me sleep until 807 and then after I showered I watched an episode of peep show instead of hopping to getting dressed and then I was 15 min late for work, which really isn't that bad.

Here is a video from Sat. night:

Delusions of Spandex Opening!

and this is part that goes after it:

Montage!


Whatever. What else? Too many onions in my tuna sandwich!!! No one to blame but myself.