TODAY IN TOMORROW:

Tomorrow come to THIS:

It will look just like THIS:

And will make you feel like THIS:

TODAY IN BAAAAA. SO OLD.

I finally came to the conclusion today that my eyes are not what they once were. I can no longer see everything as clearly as I once did, I cannot impress boys with how far away I can read stuff, and I can sort of feel my lazy eye from my baby-hood coming back.

So I made an appointment with an optomotrist. Baaa. This hits me so hard because I was so perfect for so long and now I am weak. And old.

Booo.

TODAY IN THE HORROR OF MACY'S AT CHRISTMAS TIME:


The tiny mistake of exiting out of a different part of the 34th St. station today caused me to walk across the front of Macy's with it's new seasonal display. Now, I admit, I didn't actually look directly at the windows, for fear of blindness, but what flashes I did notice reminded me of a fever induced dream I had one as a child. Everything thing is spinning, spinning, rotating, flashing, and barking out HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! YOU BASTARDS!!! The volume was turned up to the point that my left eye began to twitch violently and my face to convulse. Any one walking towards me probably would have thought I was having a seizure. And I was....a seizure of hate.

Go check it out!!

Also the spoon I got for my yogurt is sharp. SHARP! Why Santa Claus? Why?

TODAY IN FUNG WAH:



I grew up in Boston and I travel back there pretty often to visit the 'rents. Every time I mention a past or future trip every single person says... oh do you take the Fung Wah (AKA the $15 Chinatown bus)? And I say, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!!!

Usually the people in question are shocked. "Why?" they quibble "Why would you EVER take anything else when could get there for cheap?" (Just because its cheap does not make it the appropriate choice of vehicular travel!!!!)And before I can even launch into my arguments against the bus, EVERYONE OF THESE PEOPLE START TELLING ME A HORROR STORY FROM THE STUPID FUNG WAH!

Here are the two I heard today:

James bought a ticket and tried to get on the bus. He was told he could not, with out an explanation. He tried another bus. They denied him as well. Finally he was told to stand on a platform, which he did. A bus pulled up and the driver yelled at him that there was no standing on the platform allowed, not since 9/11.

Nick took a bus with a student driver. The driver drove 40 miles an hour all the way to Boston. The normally 4 hour trip stretched into a strengthy 6 hours. Also, all the lights on the bus were broken, so he enjoyed this trip in darkness.

Here is the one that happened to me:

We stopped at a Roy Rogers and when we came out the bus was gone. It eventually came back. Eventually.

Here is the urban myth:

The bus caught on fire and all the luggage melted. When the bus pulled up in New York the driver jumped out and ran into the Fung Wah store front and shut all the doors.

And

The drivers don't have licences. And they are drunk.

What ever. This bus sucks. Stop taking it! Or rather, take it all you want but don't scoff at my when I drop $100 for a lovely acela train with big comfy seats, a club car, and the indoorness of Penn Station. We all have our own tastes in travel.

Oh and Fung Wah means Magnificent Wind.

TODAY IN THANKSGIVING DAY 24 HOUR MARATHON OF GHOST HUNTER, ON THE SCI FI CHANNEL:



AN ODE TO STEVE GONSALVES; GHOST HUNTER

Oh, to your eyebrows and New England ways
Your serious tone and fear of
…Everything…
But ghosts.
Sweep me into your darkened night
And let me hold your EMF detector.
You eyes glow so bright through infrared cameras
You organize the technical equipment
Like my heart strings
Please rescue me from my spiritless life
And lets hunt through soggy basements
together.

TODAY IN KNOB CREEK:



It is one thing to be a day away from being 26 years old, sitting on an Amtrak to Boston at 8am, and sweating whiskey from drinks with your roommate and his friend Joe the night before. It is another thing entirely to be all those things and have puked. Normally, I would blame my self for puking when drinking. Clearly, I had too much to drink, not enough to eat, was dehydrated, etc. And yes all those MIGHT BE true, but I have heavy suspicions on the bottle of whiskey in question. This innocuous looking bottle with its American made label and it’s old timey font draws you into a false sense of contentment and an even falser sense of sounding intelligent while you discuss philosophy with your friends. It all seems so innocent and healthy until you find your self dry heaving over the toilet.

(Next line to be delivered with fist shaken at sky) Knob Creek!!!!

Here is why I blame YOU:

1) My friend who drinks a lot all the time (he or she shall remain unnamed to protect me getting beaten up) drank from the bottle in question at my epic birthday party Saturday night and vomed for the first time in 4 years. All experienced drinkers know that barfing is a controllable and rare thing once you nail down exactly how much pain your body can take before resigning yourself to a slice of pizza and a vitamin water. To vomit unexpectedly is suspicious. Veeerrrry suspicious.

2) When I myself had to vom, I went through the basic stages. I realized I might have to vomit. I tried to roll on my stomach to calm it and avoid vomiting. My stomach rebelled. I tried to sit up hoping that the sudden movement would jolt my stomach into confusion, thinking perhaps that we were on a carnival ride and not full of whiskey and didn’t need to vomit. My stomach lurched. I resigned myself to vomiting. I walked to the bathroom and knelt by the toilet.

AND HERE IS THE REALLY SUSPICIOUS PART….

Nothing happened. Despite really, really wanting to puke, nothing happened. I knelt there and stared into the toilet like someone waiting for the movie to start, and no credits rolled. This was really annoying. I knew that I had to puke. I wanted to puke. But for some reason the whiskey was hanging on, I guess to continue shanking the inside of my stomach over and over again. So I did something that I have never done before and never really believed I would have to do.

I stuck my finger down my throat.

This most demoralizing and hated action was the only way to free myself from the pain of the Knob.

The hard thing now is how to complain to a whiskey company that their product made you puke. I assume they will just say “…yah…that’s the idea. You idiot. Here’s an option: DON’T get drunk the night before you leave for thanksgiving to see your parents. “
And then I will say, fuck you Knob Creek, and your high and mighty ways! But damn you, you might have something there.

TODAY IN WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME? I SAID WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME!!??



Yes, it is true. I did attend 30 Rock LIVE! at the UCB theatre last night. And yes, it was amazing. The whole cast was there (Yes, I have seen Alec Baldwin's hair live) as well as all the writers, which was great. They did a staged reading of an episode which will air in three weeks. And I am not allowed to blog about it. That was told to me (and 250 other people) by Tina Fey. Live. Other high lights included getting the crap scared out of me by Judah Friedlander as he came in through the back door I was guarding (badly), and then watching Jack McBrayer and John Lutz improvise commercials. Oh, as well as, seeing the cast of 30 Rock live. And a live band playing live music for the live show. And Tracey Morgan. Hot damn. HOT DAMN.

And...Oh yah, it was my last day at my internship. Nice way to go out.

TODAY IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN:

I stumbled on a delightful website that listed all the songs in the public domain. Some were familiar, some were not. Here are the best ones:


When I Do the Hoochy Coochy in de Sky - Wow.
Waiting for the Robert E. Lee - Me too!
When This Dreadful War Is Ended- 1863
When This Cruel War is Over- 1885 - What a rip off!
Who Let the Cows Out? - moo. moo moo moo moo.
Willie's Fatal Visit - Tragic.
Tell My Jesus "Morning" - And also whats up.
Thriller!, The [Rag] - It sounds thrilling.
Too Late! Too Late! - Oh no!!
Too Much Raspberry - Most people with a complaint about a fruit tart would just tell the baker, not write a song about it.
Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! - YOU are!
Scabs Crawl In, The - Ew.
Shake Yo' Dusters! - ...if you're a true player.
She Is More to Be Pitied Than Censured - Well, thats very well thought out.
She Was Bred In Old Kentucky – They better be talking about a horse.
Strike Up the Band--Here Comes a Sailor - Alllllright!
Run, Nigger, Run – Eeeeeeeeee.
Pirates of Penzance – What? The whole thing? Is that why every Middle School drama club performs it??
Oh Miss, I'll Give You a Paper of Pins – Um, pass?
No Irish Need Apply – Eeeeeeeeeee.
Mister Beveridge's Maggot
Mister Isaac's Maggot
Mister Lane's Maggot – I am hoping “maggot” is synonym for something else…other wise I REALLY don’t get the late 1600’s.
My Honolulu Tomboy – ha ha ha
My Moustache –ha ha ha
My Sweetheart's the Man in the Moon – Finally! A song for lonely female astronomists!
Love Is Like A Cigarette - Agreed! Cancer causing and makes you smell funny.
Kiss Me Quick and Go Buckley - You go Buckley, you jerk.
Jack's Maggot- Again!
Jenny Come Tie My Cravat - A timeless song.
Jerry, Go and Oil that Car - Jenny's answer?
I and Satan Had a Race – Guess who won?
I Love Little Pussy – my #1 favorite PD song of all time.
Hallelujah, I'm a Bum - Thats just awesome.
Hare's Maggot, The – AGAIN!!!
Her Eyes Don't Shine Like Diamonds – Ouch.
Hooking Cow Blues, The - Cows who hook are sad.
Hypocrite and the Concubine, The- That's a Brothers Grim tale right?
Get Thee Behind Me, Mr. Satan – Not just a White Stripes album anymore.
Good Humored and Fairly Tipsy – the Phaea Crede story.
Dick o' the Cow - Oh god. Can't stop laughing.
Dick's Maggot – HOLY CHRIST!
Draper's Maggot- ITS A CONSPIRACY!
Chin Chin Chinaman – Eeeeeeeeee.
All Coons Look Alike to Me – Eeeeeeeeeee.

TODAY IN POO:

I had such an amazing weekend that it was hard to choose what to write about, but the obvious topic is poo. The first amazing thing about this topic is the fact that I have started saying/writing "poo" instead of varies other synonyms which lean closer to inappropriate language. This is due to the influence of two people: My roommate Dolan and my best friend Tim. Good going guys.
The third person in this story is my best friend Becca (how can I have two best friends you say? Go fuck yourself!) who triumphantly admitted yesterday that the two funniest things in the world to her are poo and dogs acting like people.

And now, the story: In Greenpoint Brooklyn (home of Phaea) no one picks up after their dogs. This means that there are many many blocks of Greenpoint that I have never seen because I have to keep my focus down on the side walks ahead. This weekend there was a lot of walking in and out of my house due to pictionary parties, cigarettes runs, and trips to museums and restaurants. Everytime we walked out with passed a big big of poo that some dog had squeaked out early Sat morning.

The first time it was just gross.
The second time someone noticed there was blood in it.
The third time it had started to dry out.
The forth time, terrifyingly, part of it had appeared to move slightly. Alive?
The fifth time it had started to look very sad and crusty, like the slightest breeze would knock it down and scatter it to the East River.
The Sixth time (this morning) like the fire to the Phoenix, the rain had given the poo new moisture and life. It lays still in the place where it was first deposited, looking healthy and strong, and youthful.

Unlike me, who is turning 26 on Thursday. Anyone want to get married???

TODAY IN (THE LAST DAY OF) JONATHAN MORSE:

(see the gallery of Jonathan Morse, several blogs ago.)

Today as I was eating my breakfast Jonathan Morse convinced me that Javier Bardem's character in No Country for Old Men was a baby rapist, and thats what the movie was about.
I believed him.

TODAY IN ME AND THE DUDE AT THE FRONT DESK OF MY OFFICE BUILDING:

I guess he's "security". I walk into the lobby every morning and I never ever say hello. I avoid this by never ever looking at him in the face. I noticed that every other person does both (look and greet), which means that I am a snob. So I started trying to look at him to say hi, and he refused to look at me. For five days now. That means that he had noticed that I am an asshole and there is no way to change his mind, right?

I think I will just try to be more of an asshole to justify his assumption. Good plan!!

TODAY IN THE ADVENTURES OF TIM AND PHAEA: EP. 1
THE DAVE HILL EXPLOSION



Last night was one of those nights where we seemed to be hampered at every turn. Tim and I were determined to write write write but instead we ended up eating pizza, drinking whiskey, and getting shut out of bars. So hampered.

As a last ditch effort to save the evening we headed up to the UCB Theatre to catch the 930 show, what ever it happened to be. And what it happened to be was THE DAVE HILL EXPLOSION! which is a variety show ish show with a guest. Dave Hill is pretty awesome/hilarious so we walked in feeling pretty good about the turn of events.

And then this happened:

1) Dave Hill sang the Dave Hill Explosion theme song which included a soap machine, paper snaps, smashing a sugar glass bottle, and breaking 20 plates on stage. Awesome.
2) Lady Bunny, the guest (and outrageous drag queen blah blah blah) who the entire audience watched hop out of a cab and walk into the theatre as we waited in line, saw all this, deemed the show too "dangerous", and then WALKED OUT.
3) Dave Hill now had 45 minutes to fill with no guest and no material.
4) A girl (not called Amanda) and two small dogs joined him on stage. They talked a bit.
5) Dave talked with us about possibly playing a video again that we had seen before. Then we did.
6) Another plate got broken.
7) The show ended.

All through this, The douche in front of us (who from the beginning was voicing his hope that Dave would start doing "something funny" and "get an act", while loudly reminding his friends that he had snuck in without paying.) took the lack of guest to be a free-for-all of shouting out things in hilarious accents, including the Germanesque: "Down with Scaffolding! Its bad for your health." while continuing to chide Dave for not "having an act." What a genius heckler!

At the end Tim and I left feeling as though we had either: finally experienced a true comedy experiment or were being punished for something we hadn't been aware we had done. Maybe it was for that time we walked out on a comedy show with out paying. Or skipped class to watch the Red Sox. Or killed that hobo for his sneakers.

Only time will tell.

TODAY IN EATING OUT AT THE SPOTTED PIG:



Last night was one of those rare nights that all us transplanted New York kids look forward to: a parent was in town, which means going out for a NICE MEAL! My dad and I choose the Spotted Pig because Anthony Bourdain likes it there and it was on a fashionable block in the West Village and I read that it served pigs ears. Which seems hip.

When there we drank: a glass of vermouth on the rocks, a bottle of some Montepulciano wine (becauze I had learned recently that Montepulciano wine is wine for the nobilty. Fancy. And this is what we ate:

1st: Devils on Horseback (prunes stuffed with apples and wrapped with bacon)
2nd: A deep fried pigs ear. (kind of melts and sticks to your teeth)
3rd: Sheep's Ricotta Gnudi with Brown Butter & Sage AND Prosciutto & Ricotta Tart with Marjoram

Oh hell yah.

And also, Bill Murray ate next to us.

So, that happened.

TODAY IN WORKING HARD:

Its a cliche, I know, but sitting or standing with an open binder in hand always makes you look like you are hard at work. And I salute it.

TODAY IN MENTAL HEALTH BREAK THROUGH:

I just realized that instead of acknowledging bad feelings in my self I project them onto other people in scenarios that make me the victim instead of the instigator! Hurrah!!

Be warned.

TODAY IN A GALLERY OF JONATHAN MORSE:








Whats that you say? You don't KNOW Jonathan Morse? Well, fuck you buddy! Get with the program!

TODAY IN TIBET:



Holy shit! Tibet!

TODAY IN THOSE BASTARDS NEXT DOOR:


At work we share a floor with two other companies, which includes the kitchen. When the last company moved in they brought with them a water cooler, a coffee maker, paper cups. coffee beans, teas and plates, spoons and forks. My company took this as an invitation to share (shared kitchen etc) and happily gulped down glass after glass of water until one day we walked in and...they had taken their cooler away. Not to be discouraged we begin filling up their paper coffee cups with tap water until...they first switched to cheaper, smalled cups, and then finally, did away with cups completely. And for added measure...they took away spoons as well. So today I tapped into the milk (two days expired) with my cereal (in their bowl- my spoon). We'll see how far these bastards go. I want to make they get rid of their coffee maker to spite us. And then they don't get coffee. HA! Bastards.

TODAY IN REALLY LONG ASS DAYS:

I have had a really long ass day. Here is how it went:

1) Worked my "production job" from 9:30am-6:15pm.
2) Interned at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre for the Time Out New York Aproved! Stand up show (saw Tim Minchin, who we should all know/worship) and the beginning of the Longest Sketch Show from 6:30pm-12am.
3) Took the E train down to Spring St. and walked west to Greenwich St where I met my friend Tim at his buddy's apartment.
4) Dance party 12:30-2am.
5) Slept in giant king size temporpedic bed from 2am-5am.
6) Arrived at the UCB at 5:45am in preparation for our 6:45am slot in the Sketch Fest.
7) Performed sketches for 3 audience members.
8) Drank 3 (three) miller lights in the Chill Out room of the theatre with Tim, Becca, Melissa, Lee, and Stephanie (you may not know them...but you should) 7am-8am
9) Drove with Tim to New Jersey and stopped at the Oakland diner for Taylor ham slices and omelettes 8:30am-9:30am.
10) Arrive at Tim's house and napped 10am-1pm.
11) Watched "football" 1pm-1:30pm.
12) Drove to Dunkin' Donuts and enjoyed a chocolate with sprinkles while worked on a writing project with Tim and watching cops get free coffee 2pm-3:45pm.
13) Arrived back at Tim's, showered, prepared for "party" with "horseshoes". 4pm-4:49pm.
14) Is now. And its not OVER!!!!!

TODAY IN MY FAVORITE ICANHASCHEEZBURGER.COM THING EVER:


moar funny pictures

TODAY IN REJECTED!!!



Rejection seems like a pretty common experience among my "creative" friends and I. It seems like everywhere you turn (The E train, my apartment, Watertown, MA) there is someone being sent a letter or "email" saying that our stuff just ain't quite good enough. Rather then let these brilliant stories die, I choose to give mine new life! On a blog! Which is like purgatory.

Here is it-

The Rejected Asparagus Anecdote
(real title withheld to protect the rejector!)

Recently, I was using the paragliding lesson I had accidentally won at Fredrick’s of Hollywood Fashion Show/AIDS Benefit auction while trying to wave away Tara Reid. My co-glider/instructor, a burly Czech by the name of Pavel, and I were cruising pleasantly along when a sudden back draft from a large seabird sent us spinning out of control, landing finally in a nearby vegetable garden belonging to Woody Harrelson.

Ever the prepared host, Woody rushed to our side carrying a small first aid kit as well as a tray of asparagus-and-hemp amuse bouches of his own design.

Shaken as I was, I had no problem recalling my distaste for this particular vegetable (asparagus, not hemp) dating back to my childhood when our ruddy faced cook Maureen, resorted to hiding them ice cream sandwiches to guarantee I’d ingest the much needed dietary fiber. For years I associated ice cream with odd smelling urine, and as a result, felt robbed of a time when I might have enjoyed sugar and dairy,liposuction free.

But, looking into to Woody’s droopy yet bright puppy eyes, I couldn’t help but nibble on the h’orderves,and with a renewed strength and slight contact high, Pavel and I took to the skies again, this time on the look out for any wayward seagulls.

TODAY IN "OH MY GOD THAT'S SOOOOO NEW YORK!"



Yesterday as I strolled down 8th ave past Madison Square Gardens I passed a tiny angelic child swinging its (gender was not confirmed) fists in a joyful and enthusiastic fashion. As I pasted the child punched me in the cooch. Or "mons" as my friend Megan tells me. Nothing was said or done, by any party.

Today I was at CompUSA (Whose jealous of my life? Everyone? Good.) bringing in a fried hard drive from my company for data recovery. I filled out all the paper work under my name: Phaea Crede this, Phaea Crede that, initials said PHC, signature was my own. And then came the time to pay for the service. I produced a credit card that said "Sandy Green" (my boss) clearly and handed it over with no hesitation. Signed the slip in the same exact Phaea Crede handwriting that now read Sandy Green, and was not arrested for fraud or thievery.

Fab.

TODAY IN HEADLINES! 11.05.07

Most fans paid $0 for Radiohead album
Human lameness confirmed.

Rosie O'Donnell may get MSNBC talk show
Isn’t the definition of crazy to try the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?

Key leaders stay silent in Pakistan
Like the majority of Americans, they have no idea what’s going on there and didn’t want to embarrass them selves.

Military may ease standards for recruits
Science nerds and theatre freaks now welcome.

TODAY IN QUITTING COFFEE:



Seriously, people do this? People go from drinking coffee to not drinking coffee? Why? for what means? My roommate told me tea was better and he's kind of cute so I listened to him and now I can't see straight or focus my thoughts. This has been two days of no coffee drinking. Two days. And not even full days. About 36 hours or so. And yesterday was easier because I was hung over. Its like there is a maelstrom of pointy elves in my brain! Oh god I don't even know what the world maelstrom means...I think its not what I used it as in that sentence. Oh god my brain!

TODAY IN BEAR OR BIG FOOT:

Awesome! A hunter took this picture in PA this week:
Besides being deliciously creepy, the unidentifiable creature raised all kinds of crazy excitement because of its similarity to the sasquatch of our dreams! Usually bigfoot is in the Northwest of the country, which means that this ape like creature maybe moving Southeast probably to find its buddy the lion thats hiding the West Virginia woods.

Some "scientists" say its just a bear with mange, proving once again that science is not only lame, but also disgusting.