Take a look at Pocket Change NYC, a wicked awesome site that reviews the most expensive things in NY and LA. I wrote "Richard's Take" about Steak. Be thrilled in my ability to channel a rich white man. I know I am.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
TODAY IN: AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT JAMAICAN GUY WHO KEEPS CALLING THE ME AT THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE BOX OFFICE DURING MY INTERNSHIP:
Dear sir,
The two times we have spoken have been very confusing. It's not just your thick accent, which makes me feel guilty for not being able to understand your words. It's more the fact that you seem to think that by talking to me, a lowly representative of the UCB theatre, you can get a show on Comedy Central. As I have explained to you twice now, I am an intern in a box office, and not a talent agent just answering phones hoping that an aggressive man claiming to be a starving actor and rambling unintelligibly on the hardships of the "acting business" will call so I can cast him in the role of new comedy star of the world. I just want to make that clear to you so we can avoid having this conversation for a third time. Because the guiltiness almost outweighs the hating you.
But in the end, I just hate you.
And would love to refer you to the website so you can explore our many class options!
www.ucbtheatre.com/ny
Thanks!
Dear sir,
The two times we have spoken have been very confusing. It's not just your thick accent, which makes me feel guilty for not being able to understand your words. It's more the fact that you seem to think that by talking to me, a lowly representative of the UCB theatre, you can get a show on Comedy Central. As I have explained to you twice now, I am an intern in a box office, and not a talent agent just answering phones hoping that an aggressive man claiming to be a starving actor and rambling unintelligibly on the hardships of the "acting business" will call so I can cast him in the role of new comedy star of the world. I just want to make that clear to you so we can avoid having this conversation for a third time. Because the guiltiness almost outweighs the hating you.
But in the end, I just hate you.
And would love to refer you to the website so you can explore our many class options!
www.ucbtheatre.com/ny
Thanks!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
TODAY IN MOMENTS IN A ELEVATOR:
I just wanted to give a shout out to the man I was just in an elevator with. He and I and two other people were all going up when the elevator abruptly went down and opened on the basement, which was dark, hot, and full of pipes. We all laughed a little, even though we were uneasy and he said :
"Nice floor! Look like the devil gonna come out and eat you!"
Amazing!
I just wanted to give a shout out to the man I was just in an elevator with. He and I and two other people were all going up when the elevator abruptly went down and opened on the basement, which was dark, hot, and full of pipes. We all laughed a little, even though we were uneasy and he said :
"Nice floor! Look like the devil gonna come out and eat you!"
Amazing!
Monday, September 17, 2007
TODAY IN FOR BETTER OR...FOR WORSE?
Call me paranoid, but I am not liking how Lynn Johnston's strip has been dipping into the archives:
Sure, they are all a part of this whole Michael teaching his daughter about their family, but I am suspicious. I smell a retirement in the air. I can't say that I wouldn't understand as the series has been running for 25 years (Elizabeth is almost the same age as me!) but I am going to be PISSED if it turns into some "Classic Peanuts" type situation. When a comic strip goes its painful, yes (See: Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side...painful.) but you have to let it go!
Any thoughts?
Call me paranoid, but I am not liking how Lynn Johnston's strip has been dipping into the archives:
Sure, they are all a part of this whole Michael teaching his daughter about their family, but I am suspicious. I smell a retirement in the air. I can't say that I wouldn't understand as the series has been running for 25 years (Elizabeth is almost the same age as me!) but I am going to be PISSED if it turns into some "Classic Peanuts" type situation. When a comic strip goes its painful, yes (See: Calvin and Hobbes and The Far Side...painful.) but you have to let it go!
Any thoughts?
Thursday, September 13, 2007
TODAY IN REVIEWS OF NEW FALL TV SHOWS:
Based on nothing more then the Title and the picture that accompanies it in EW.
Sunday
Life is Wild (the CW): Thought provoking. Life is wild, isn't it? This show makes you realize that you need a little more wild in your life.
Viva Laughlin (CBS): Dramatic look at the career of Lori Loughlin of Full House, but they spelled her name wrong.
Monday
Chuck (NBC): Lovable clown Chuck moves to the big city where he is a psychic and helps the lost souls of Manhattan reclaim their childhood dreams.
Samantha Who? (ABC): A high powered finance exec loses her memory and has to learn to love again.
Aliens in America (the CW): Hilarious take on the illegal alien problems as Martians try to take over the country and end up being forced to work middling jobs in kitchens in LA and New York.
The Big Band Theory (CBS): Stars Johnny Galecki as a brilliant but troubled young man who fights crime at night under the pseudonym The Big Bang. His nemesis is The Creationist!
K-Ville (FOX): Rhymes with "evil", if you say it in a weird southernesqe accent. Its about chefs.
Tuesday
The Reaper (The CW): This kid accidentally kills death and so he has to take his place Ala The Santa Clause.
Cavemen (ABC): We all know too much. Far too much.
Carpoolers (ABC): Hilarious look at the life of suburban families.
Cane (CBS): Magic cane falls into the hands of a troubled high schooler.
Wednesdays
Private Practice: (ABC): Who the hell is Kate Walsh again? Does she just have an amazing agent or is it just me?
Back to You (FOX): Kelsey Grammer left his wife years ago and his life has not gone well so her tried to move back in.
Pushing Daises (ABC): Landscaping genius kid tries to get his horticulture business off the ground with hilarious results.
Kid Nation (CBS): Babies run a television station with hilarious results.
Kitchen Nightmares (FOX): I smell Gordon Ramsay. Oh god, his balls are on fire!
Gossip Girl (The CW): They ordered food from Lounge 47 when I worked there.
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC): Rich people have sex...eh...in dirt.
Life (NBC): Reality show based off of the popular game!
Bionic Woman (NBC): Finally Robotic beings rule the world.
Thursday
Big Shots (ABC): Three guys travel the world and take shots with Zane Lamprey.
Friday
The Next Great American Band (FOX): If you take the first two letters from the last four words it says Negramba.
Nashville (FOX): They put a camera down on a corner in Nashville and let it roll. Directed by Chantal Akerman.
Moonlight (CBS): People that work day jobs and night jobs with hilarious results.
Woman's Murder Club (ABC): Seriously? You named a show that? Really? You thought that was a good idea?
Based on nothing more then the Title and the picture that accompanies it in EW.
Sunday
Life is Wild (the CW): Thought provoking. Life is wild, isn't it? This show makes you realize that you need a little more wild in your life.
Viva Laughlin (CBS): Dramatic look at the career of Lori Loughlin of Full House, but they spelled her name wrong.
Monday
Chuck (NBC): Lovable clown Chuck moves to the big city where he is a psychic and helps the lost souls of Manhattan reclaim their childhood dreams.
Samantha Who? (ABC): A high powered finance exec loses her memory and has to learn to love again.
Aliens in America (the CW): Hilarious take on the illegal alien problems as Martians try to take over the country and end up being forced to work middling jobs in kitchens in LA and New York.
The Big Band Theory (CBS): Stars Johnny Galecki as a brilliant but troubled young man who fights crime at night under the pseudonym The Big Bang. His nemesis is The Creationist!
K-Ville (FOX): Rhymes with "evil", if you say it in a weird southernesqe accent. Its about chefs.
Tuesday
The Reaper (The CW): This kid accidentally kills death and so he has to take his place Ala The Santa Clause.
Cavemen (ABC): We all know too much. Far too much.
Carpoolers (ABC): Hilarious look at the life of suburban families.
Cane (CBS): Magic cane falls into the hands of a troubled high schooler.
Wednesdays
Private Practice: (ABC): Who the hell is Kate Walsh again? Does she just have an amazing agent or is it just me?
Back to You (FOX): Kelsey Grammer left his wife years ago and his life has not gone well so her tried to move back in.
Pushing Daises (ABC): Landscaping genius kid tries to get his horticulture business off the ground with hilarious results.
Kid Nation (CBS): Babies run a television station with hilarious results.
Kitchen Nightmares (FOX): I smell Gordon Ramsay. Oh god, his balls are on fire!
Gossip Girl (The CW): They ordered food from Lounge 47 when I worked there.
Dirty Sexy Money (ABC): Rich people have sex...eh...in dirt.
Life (NBC): Reality show based off of the popular game!
Bionic Woman (NBC): Finally Robotic beings rule the world.
Thursday
Big Shots (ABC): Three guys travel the world and take shots with Zane Lamprey.
Friday
The Next Great American Band (FOX): If you take the first two letters from the last four words it says Negramba.
Nashville (FOX): They put a camera down on a corner in Nashville and let it roll. Directed by Chantal Akerman.
Moonlight (CBS): People that work day jobs and night jobs with hilarious results.
Woman's Murder Club (ABC): Seriously? You named a show that? Really? You thought that was a good idea?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
TODAY IN BIZZARO-TOWN
My co-worker sent me the link to this site and it has blown my mind:
www.marryourdaughter.com
This is some fucked up shit people. Please look at the 13 year old on page 3 and the poor bargain girls on page 5. Tremble.
Also: look at some of the testimonials from the site. I will BOLD when applicable.
"Thank God for your site! Our daughter was really nervous walking down the aisle, but she seems okay now and the money we got let us keep our farm and even add on a few acres."
—Mrs. Addrien L.
"At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!"
—Mr. Jack M.
“I was SO scared getting married so young, but my husband is an okay guy and I am SO proud that because of me my parents were able to get their first brand-new car and take the trip they always wanted to. I couldn’t have done it without your site!"
—Katrina K., married at 14
“Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too!"
—Mrs. James P.
“My mother thought I was getting ‘too frisky” and that I had to get married right away before I lost my purity to some high school boy. Marry Our Daughter found me a husband and my parents were able to keep their house and pay off my mother’s medical bills. I was so glad I could help them, and being married at my age (I'm 16 now) has a lot of advantages, like my own credit card!"
—Nancy A
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
My co-worker sent me the link to this site and it has blown my mind:
www.marryourdaughter.com
This is some fucked up shit people. Please look at the 13 year old on page 3 and the poor bargain girls on page 5. Tremble.
Also: look at some of the testimonials from the site. I will BOLD when applicable.
"Thank God for your site! Our daughter was really nervous walking down the aisle, but she seems okay now and the money we got let us keep our farm and even add on a few acres."
—Mrs. Addrien L.
"At first we were worried that Janine was too young to get married, but then her new husband bought her a house and a car and jewelry and the money we got let us buy a house for ourselves. Getting out of the trailer park at our age was the best thing that ever happened to us, and it’s all thanks to Marry Our Daughter!"
—Mr. Jack M.
“I was SO scared getting married so young, but my husband is an okay guy and I am SO proud that because of me my parents were able to get their first brand-new car and take the trip they always wanted to. I couldn’t have done it without your site!"
—Katrina K., married at 14
“Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too!"
—Mrs. James P.
“My mother thought I was getting ‘too frisky” and that I had to get married right away before I lost my purity to some high school boy. Marry Our Daughter found me a husband and my parents were able to keep their house and pay off my mother’s medical bills. I was so glad I could help them, and being married at my age (I'm 16 now) has a lot of advantages, like my own credit card!"
—Nancy A
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
TODAY IN ATTEMPTING TO JOG:
As my good friend Stacey so brilliantly observed a few months ago: Fall is the time when you go "OK, now I am going to be serious and eat right, be more productive, and engage in a vigorous new exercise routine." (not a direct quote, as I am not Truman Capote and don't remember "words".)
So I decided to take up jogging. But not JUST jogging. But a CROSS TRAINING jogging program that my friend James just began. I woke up at 7:30am and stretched out a bit in my room and texted him "be there in eight", meaning the 8 minutes it will take me to walk out side and leisurely stroll down the four blocks to his house, sans cell phone as I assumed I would be running so hard that it would be sent flying out of my jogging vest. (red)
When I arrived at James' place he was not outside. Minutes passed and still no sign of my jogging buddy. I realized three things: 1) no cell phone 2) buzzer doesn't work 3) throw rocks at the window.
Many things on the street look like rocks that aren't rocks. Most of them are gum, some of them are rotting fruit, and some of them are indentations on the side walk that you thought at first glance were 3-D. Eventually,I found a few chunks of cement and started hurling them at James' window.
Having seen this scenario so many times in romantic films, I figured it would be an easy thing to do and not look crazy at the same time. Apparently, that's wrong. The construction workers across the street began hooting and pedestrians made huge arcs to the opposite side of the sidewalk to avoid me. The only time I stopped was when a little girl walked by, because I didn't want her to look at me and think she should ever turn out this way.
Eventually a woman in a pick up truck pulled up to the side walk behind me. I pretended to be looking at the brick detail of the apartment next door as she let herself into James' building. As soon as she was gone I started to fling cement bits again, flinching ever time it hit anything that wasn't the window, which was every other time but once.
Five minutes passed and pick-up truck leaned out her window on the second floor.
"Who are you looking for?" She asked me, in a sort of I-feel-really-bad-for- you-because-you-might-have-aspergers kind of voice. I told her that I was suppose to jog with James in 2R and she disappeared, apparently to knock on his door and let him know that his autistic friend was waiting for him.
Finally he skipped out the door telling me I was ten minutes early. I tried to argue saying that we had AGREED on 7:45am the day before, but he cited my last text which read "see you in eight" meaning, to him, see you at 8am. Which, of course, is how any normal person would take read it, as 8 minutes is, literally, the most RANDOM amount of time anyone could ever project on an arrival, and 8am is a very common time to meet. There for I lost twice.
Also, jogging made even my teeth hurt. Which was more frightening then it sounds. It kind of sounds cute. But its not. You don't EVER want to feel your teeth.
As my good friend Stacey so brilliantly observed a few months ago: Fall is the time when you go "OK, now I am going to be serious and eat right, be more productive, and engage in a vigorous new exercise routine." (not a direct quote, as I am not Truman Capote and don't remember "words".) So I decided to take up jogging. But not JUST jogging. But a CROSS TRAINING jogging program that my friend James just began. I woke up at 7:30am and stretched out a bit in my room and texted him "be there in eight", meaning the 8 minutes it will take me to walk out side and leisurely stroll down the four blocks to his house, sans cell phone as I assumed I would be running so hard that it would be sent flying out of my jogging vest. (red)
When I arrived at James' place he was not outside. Minutes passed and still no sign of my jogging buddy. I realized three things: 1) no cell phone 2) buzzer doesn't work 3) throw rocks at the window.
Many things on the street look like rocks that aren't rocks. Most of them are gum, some of them are rotting fruit, and some of them are indentations on the side walk that you thought at first glance were 3-D. Eventually,I found a few chunks of cement and started hurling them at James' window.
Having seen this scenario so many times in romantic films, I figured it would be an easy thing to do and not look crazy at the same time. Apparently, that's wrong. The construction workers across the street began hooting and pedestrians made huge arcs to the opposite side of the sidewalk to avoid me. The only time I stopped was when a little girl walked by, because I didn't want her to look at me and think she should ever turn out this way.
Eventually a woman in a pick up truck pulled up to the side walk behind me. I pretended to be looking at the brick detail of the apartment next door as she let herself into James' building. As soon as she was gone I started to fling cement bits again, flinching ever time it hit anything that wasn't the window, which was every other time but once.
Five minutes passed and pick-up truck leaned out her window on the second floor.
"Who are you looking for?" She asked me, in a sort of I-feel-really-bad-for- you-because-you-might-have-aspergers kind of voice. I told her that I was suppose to jog with James in 2R and she disappeared, apparently to knock on his door and let him know that his autistic friend was waiting for him.
Finally he skipped out the door telling me I was ten minutes early. I tried to argue saying that we had AGREED on 7:45am the day before, but he cited my last text which read "see you in eight" meaning, to him, see you at 8am. Which, of course, is how any normal person would take read it, as 8 minutes is, literally, the most RANDOM amount of time anyone could ever project on an arrival, and 8am is a very common time to meet. There for I lost twice.
Also, jogging made even my teeth hurt. Which was more frightening then it sounds. It kind of sounds cute. But its not. You don't EVER want to feel your teeth.
Friday, September 07, 2007
TODAY IN AMAZING THINGS ON THE WEB:
And no, I don't mean Vanessa Hudges pubes.
While researching a piece I was writing tonight I discovered a few amazing things. One: there is a website that lists female gypsy names
Two: the definition for "sexual congress":
sexual congress
noun
the act of sexual procreation between a man and a woman; the man's penis is inserted into the woman's vagina and excited until orgasm and ejaculation occur
and, yah....I lied.... Vanessa Hudges pubes
And no, I don't mean Vanessa Hudges pubes.
While researching a piece I was writing tonight I discovered a few amazing things. One: there is a website that lists female gypsy names
Two: the definition for "sexual congress":
sexual congress
noun
the act of sexual procreation between a man and a woman; the man's penis is inserted into the woman's vagina and excited until orgasm and ejaculation occur
and, yah....I lied.... Vanessa Hudges pubes
Thursday, September 06, 2007
TODAY IN BAD IDEAS:
The Angus Burger! The Third Pounder! The new bigger burger from McDonald's! The well advertised and juicy looking addition to the fast food world of wonder!
Finally YOU can fully appreciate the taste of beef and sawdust, dipped in mayonnaise, like you have always wanted to since you saw that ad on the E train this morning before you had eaten breakfast and sort of got brainwashed! And by YOU I mean ME! And by ME I mean the soon-to-be late-me, as I am going to eat a bullet just to make the pain in my stomach go away!
The Angus Burger! The Third Pounder! The new bigger burger from McDonald's! The well advertised and juicy looking addition to the fast food world of wonder!
Finally YOU can fully appreciate the taste of beef and sawdust, dipped in mayonnaise, like you have always wanted to since you saw that ad on the E train this morning before you had eaten breakfast and sort of got brainwashed! And by YOU I mean ME! And by ME I mean the soon-to-be late-me, as I am going to eat a bullet just to make the pain in my stomach go away!
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